We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same. -Anne Frank

Ah the children folk... God love 'em!

I've stepped back from the freak out I was having with the stepmother-ing. I just get all overwhelmed and hit my limit and then I decompress and am ready for another dose of stress! Yay life.

So far this week has been full of hanging out with the kids. Ava is so her own little independent person. She's started on a kick with coming and telling me that I am the best mommy out of all the other mommies, which is an awesome compliment. She's definitely comfortable with Jeremy and has become much more affectionate with him. She's starting to read and is soaking up everything she learns in school. I can't believe that she's going to be starting big girl school in August.

Corbin is a busy dude. He's always putting things together or has some make believe play world going on where the inhabitants are all sorts of chatty. It makes me laugh that about a year ago, Matt and I were worried he had some form of autism because the boy wouldn't speak and now he talks ALL. THE. TIME. We got him a Hot Wheels track pack for Christmas and that thing keeps him entertained for hours. It's amazing. He's still a super affectionate Mama's boy and I'm not ready for that to go away so I'm soaking that up.

This weekend I'm going out to Daddy's so that I can get some help working on the wedding. I am like a shotgun blast as far as my planning goes. I have a lot of ideas but they are not in any kind of cohesive form. I need direction, dammit.

This weekend we went to a birthday party for one of Jeremy's nursing school classmate's daughter. It was quite the experience because we were the only white folks there. Everyone else was Egyptian, Iranian, Iraqi, Armenian, Pakistani, Afghanis. The girls were informed that they were the only kids who could only speak one language. Not many kids in West Texas get to experience that kind of diversity and if there's anything that I want my kids to learn, is that there are all different types of people in the world and that is something to be embraced.

There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings. ~Hodding Carter, Jr.

Parenting is hard.

Being a step parent is even harder.

When you have your kids you can parent them as you want, hopefully in a productive manner, and carry on. Normally, both the parents of the kid have each other backs. If you're divorced and lucky, which I am in this area, you both have the kids' best interests in mind so you still have each other's backs.

When you have step kids... WHOOOOOOOOOOLE different ball game.

My kids were a year and a half and 4 when Jeremy came along so they're pretty used to him telling them what to do. Ava butts her head from time to time, but for the most part, they seem him as just another person in their parenting world that handles all the same business as the other two.

Jeremy's girls were 6 and 8 when I came in the picture and a year later, I feel like I have less of a handle on it then I did back then. That's not to say that I'm not up to it or that I'm going to jump ship, I'm just somewhat frustrated. Jeremy had his way of parenting up until now, I had mine and they are very different.

It's an adjustment for everyone. How do you choose which parts to compromise on and which ones to stand firm? How do you parent your children and your step children equally without being a hypocrite to yours and sending your stepkids into a culture shock? How do you merge not only the parenting styles of yourself and your new partner and also your kids' other parents so that even if they are going from one house to the other you still manage to give them some semblance of continuity?

OY VEY!

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the girls don't have a set schedule as to when they will be here and when they won't, so there's no structure for them or for me. I know when my kids are going to be here and when it's coming up on Matt's weekend, I'm not going to lie, I look forward to it. I like having a little time to myself. I like knowing that every other weekend, I'm going to have a little break where I can rest and recharge and maybe have adult time so that I can be a better mom to my kids. I know there are moms who thrive on their time with their kids and whose world revolves around them. I LOVE my babies, they are amazing. I can't imagine my life without them, but I need a break from time to time. I need to know when I'm going to be taking care of two kids or four kids and for what duration of time. Not because I don't love having all four kids here, but because I need to get my mind right.

I just want to be a good mom and I feel like I'm backsliding in the step parent area.

When the race gets hard to run. It means you just can't take the pace. -Bob Marley

Oh. Em. Gee.

I am a COMPLETELY different woman now.

We went to the doctor yesterday and apparently I have severe gastritis and an infection of some sort or something. I got some hardcore antacids and some antibiotics and I swear this morning I woke up feeling waaaaaaaay closer to 27 than 87. I dropped Jeremy off at work at 545 and came to the house, did a load of laundry, watched some toons with the kids, got Ava off to school and took Corbin grocery shopping to Target and Wal Mart, cleaned out the refrigerator, put up all the groceries and did another load of laundry. BOOM! Captain Productivity is in the house.

Now I just need to drop off some SERIOUSLY overdue library books. My non confrontational self will be dropping them off in the bin and then seeing if I can get Jeremy to pay what we owe because there's nothing worse than an angry librarian. I also need to figure out what box I stuck Corbin's size 8 shoes in because he is DONE with 7s. I have no gauge for what the normal size is because Ava is miniature and she is just now fitting into clothes that are a normal size for her age.

I've been thinking about this trend in younger divorced couples with children where the relationships are almost more amicable post divorce than they were pre divorce. I know that my parents divorce was hooooooorrible and I don't think they've been in the same room since the day that the judge said it was a done deal (which makes my upcoming nuptials somewhat nerve wracking). Whereas, with both mine and Jeremy's situation, 99% of the time, things are very friendly. Joint birthday parties, sitting on the sidelines at soccer games together, stepping foot in each other's house. Matt's oddly in the loop as far as what's going on in my life and even in some of my friends' lives. It's weird, BUT I think it works to the benefit of the kids. My parents' divorce was insanely hard on me and it caused a huge rift in things for many years and still pops up from time to time. Ava and Corbin have never had to choose a side and I think they just are more excited about getting to have extra family.

But, baby, how we spoon like no one else. -You and I/Ingrid Michaelson

I'm going to be reeeeeeeeeeeal freakin' happy when my day consists of something more exciting than finding a neat website (http://mashupbreakdown.com/) because I have been stuck in bed all the days. To add to my general feeling of suck assness, I now am constantly nauseous, but hungry. I finally decided tonight that I'm going to be nauseous whether or not I eat, so I might as well make myself REALLY nauseous and eat because at least then I will not be worried about being nauseous and hungry.

Praise Baby Jesus Jeremy was able to get off work tomorrow and is taking me to the doctor. I have no problem going to doctor appointments once I'm in an established relationship, but I do NOT like going on that first visit... especially if it's a lady-parts doctor. There's a lot of personal business to be handing out to someone and THEN you have to pay for it. Ugh... Anyhow, had Jeremy not been able to accompany me, I probably would not have gone and remained miserable until he was able to take me. I'm such a baby.

I have to give Jeremy a bit of props for taking care of me and the kids this past week. I am extremely fortunate that I have someone that loves me and the kids so much and works hard to provide for us. Plus he makes my heart so very happy and I know that I can always count on him for anything... even if I suddenly decide I want food 5 minutes after he gets home.

Jeremy got to spend lots of quality time with the girls this weekend, due to my invalidness. They had a slumber party Friday night, which I took part of the first half. Ren is little Miss Social Butterfly and was texting all night long, which consisted of gossipping about one of the girls at school. Oh my goodness, there is a mini teenager living here, at the grand ol' age of 9. I am slightly disturbed by this. Ava is only 4 years behind and I'm not ready for her to be gossipping via text with one of her friends. It's already weird enough that she is in luuuuv with one of the little boys in her class.

Gah... our house is in shambles again. We finally got all the parts for our kitchen table and we rearragned our kitchen and I'm all disoriented when I walk into that part of the house. I was trying to find my Soul Pancake book and I could vividly remember just having seen it somewhere, but it was nowhere to be found... until I looked on top of the microwave. Well. Of course. Why wouldn't it be on the microwave?

What drains your soul? What recharges it?
Drainers:

• being sick
• money - or lack thereof
• lack of sleep/too much sleep
• being on the receiving end of tattling
• things breaking - me, the car, etc.
• comparing myself to others - you know, getting hung up on thinking that so and so is doing so and so and why am I not doing so and so
• dirtiness/clutter

Rechargers:

• hearing/seeing the kids playing together
• random "I love yous"
• full tank of gas and full kitchen of groceries/no clothes in the laundry
• getting to sleep in and waking up at a half way decent hour and feeling rested, or if I have to be woken up, getting woken up by a happy baby saying "Hi Mommy"
• going out of town
• laughing
• spending time with Jeremy/Erin/family/friends

List 5 questions you hate not having an answer to:

1. Is there a God and what exactly is he/she/it?
2. Will I ever get that degree/dream job that I want?
3. What happens when you die, and does it allow me to meet Jimi Hendrix, Bob Marley, Tupac, Jim Morrison and Stevie Ray Vaughan?
4. What the fuck is wrong with me? (at the present moment, I'm talking physically, but on other days, that can pertain to mental/emotional state)
5. What do I need to be reading/listening to/watching? (I feel like I'm out of the loop on good tunes/books/movies and so desperately want to educate myself.)

And now a song:

Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have been completely worthless since Sunday night. I'm 99% sure that I have some kicking endometriosis going on and it is causing my life to be less than pleasant. I feel like I've been in labor for DAYS and it is no good for me.


However, it is working wonders for my diet. Partly because I'm not hungry and partly because I needed to go grocery shopping last Thursday and never went so even if I was hungry, the cupboards are bare.

Jeremy's been a wonderful caretaker and has pretty much taken care of the kids since I've been out of commission. The house is in complete shambles, but since I'm alive and kicking, I guess I'll tackle that.

Brooke is coming over tonight for wedding planning!!!! I think that any final decisions as to what I like are going to be posted here; that way I can keep up with what's been figured out and what hasn't.

No working out thus far... Think that will start next week, but I haven't had one cup of coffee and I've had less than one whole can of coke since Sunday.
 
Okay after that mundane-ness, now we move onto more pressing questions from Soul Pancake:
How do you reconcile discrepancies between reason and faith?
Ha. I don't. I think this is the reason that I'm having such a hard time finding my faith. I can't just take things at face value, I have to delve deeper. I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing, but when it comes to trying to put reason behind something that I can't see, hear, touch, small or taste... it gets to be impossible. I have faith in the people I love. I know Jeremy will always be true to me and always love me just the way I am. I know that he will always tell me the truth (just as long as I ask him). I know that my kids will always love me, but they will have times that they won't like me. I know this because this is how I'm raising them. I know Erin will always just be a phone call away. I can't say that I have faith in a higher being to lead me out of hardship or that will welcome me with open arms into the afterlife. Hell, I don't even know if I believe in an afterlife. I think to have faith, you have to put a certain bit of reason aside and I'm just not there yet.
 
What is the interplay between fate and free will?
I am a firm believer in free will. Fate... not so much. I think I believe more in the power of impeccable timing. Take Jeremy and I for instance. We met each other at my dad's retirment party June 09. I have no recollection of us meeting, but he is insistent that we did. He was still with Brandy and I was in looooooooooooooove with Ben. If one of us were single at that time, it wouldn't have made a difference. If both of us were single at that time, I still don't think it would've made a difference. I wasn't at the place I needed to be for a serious relationship (though I thought I was with Ben). Then, we both got single around the same time and were introduced and the rest was history. Impeccable timing, not fate. I think that everybody has the opportunities to have their "dreams come true" but sometimes it comes at a time or a form that we're less than thrilled with because they're not what we imagined.
 
How do thoughts affect reality?
HUGELY! I believe you can think yourself happy and magically, your life is filled with nothing but sunshine and rainbows. If so inclined, you can think yourself into despair and your life is one big huge tragedy. Thinking that I could keep my marriage together and that things would get better kept me married for far far longer than it should've. It's easy to be overwhelmed by things that get thrown at you, but if you don't let them consume you and deal with what you can, when you can... things get A LOT easier.

A moment, a love / a dream, aloud / a kiss, a cry / our rights, our wrongs - Sweet Disposition/Temper Trap

School starts tomorrow and I'm feeling quite torn about it. I'll miss lounging around with the kids, but I won't miss being at 2, sometimes 4, little folks' beck and call. I'll miss not having to rush out of the house in the morning, but I am ever so happy that the lovely children are going to be back in school.

One of my Christmas presents that I asked for was a book called "Soul Pancake" by Rainn Wilson (the guy who plays Dwight on The Office). It "urges you to explore philosophy, creativity, spirituality, love, truth, science and so much more", apparently. I've been reading a lot about religions lately. I think because I'm trying to figure out what my stance is on religion/spirituality/God/Flying Spaghetti Monster/whatever. My childhood was spent being a Jehovah's Witness and my mom's side, minus my mom, is still practicing. I did the whole Baptist thing in high school. Had a sudden "spiritual awakening" whenever Matt's mom died and kindda sorta did the church thing because I felt I needed to find Jesus since I had a kid and one on the way.

Since splitting from Matt, I have been less than moved to find Jesus... I guess if I had to classify myself at this point in time, I would say I was agnostic. It's not that I don't want to believe in something, I just don't know what's true and what's not... if there is anything that is exactly true. There just seems to be a lot of picking and choosing and how do you know which one has picked and chosen the exact right combination.

Meh... anyway, you're supposed to ponder on "life's big questions" in this Soul Pancake book, so I figured that I might as well get it all in writing because sometimes I don't think you really know how you feel until you try and verbalize it.

So onto question #1:
How do you determine truth?
For the simple things in life, I rely on Google. The bigger questions get a little bit more complicated. I used to just go for what I was told. The older I become, the more inquisitive I am. I like to make an informed opinion and it may change the next day, but at least I feel like I'm trying to educate myself instead of just being spoon fed information. Other things, I think it just comes down to how you feel in your heart, your gut.

Funny thing when it comes to truth, even though Matt and I are divorced, I spent so much time figuring out when he was lying that I can still call his bullshit over a phone call. I sometimes think I should be a private detective.

Don't let the man get you down. -Empire Records

So it's a whole new year, some are saying its a whole new decade, but I think that's up for debate. Kind of a tomato/tomato thing.

Ive been wanting to start writing again, but i like clean beginnings and decided that new years day was the day I was going to start.

Life is good. As a line from one of my recent favorite songs goes, "we may not have any money/but we've got our love to pay the bills." Christmas with four kids is riiiiiidiculous, but completely worth it. Overall, I can't complain. I love our little house and the kids and of course Jeremy. There are things that if I could wave my magic wand, I would change (ahem, new transmission for the suburban) but, I think that's life.

No Jan 1 post is complete without a little new years resolution action, so here goes:

1. Get healthy. I'm not going to put my normal "lose xx pounds" because that's not really indicative of being healthy. I'm talking about working out, being active, at least 5 times a week. Eating better! Less fast food, less convenience food, less red meat, more fresh veggies/fruits, less cokes and more water!

2. Better handling of money. We have the wedding coming up and eventually I would reeeeeaaaally like to buy our own house so we need to get a handle on our debt and start saving!

3. Pay off my stupid tickets so as to not go to the pokey and be able to replace my long lost license.

4. Be patient; with the kids, Jeremy, life. Most of the time that I feel harried and feel like the kids are dragging ass is because I'm not allotting enough time. Plus, I just need to chill every once in awhile.

5. Organization! I've been working on this a bit already, but I definitely want to keep it up.

6. I would really like to start taking some classes to fill in the gaps in my missing basics through OC. I need to get in touch with tech and see what needs to get done.

7. More experiences with the kids. Were slightly limited as far as "adventures" go, due to being down to one car and our limited income, but I want to start doing more stuff with the kids. The internets is bound to have something to inspire my cheap adventure seeking self!

8. Plan my freaking wedding!!!!

9. Keep up with writing. I got overwhelmed a lot last year and I think if I use this as an outlet, it'll really help out and maybe keep me from having to get a prescription of Xanax.

10. Read more! Anything and everything, but I think focusing on non fiction is a good start.

There we go. A nice even 10.

Shit. I came up with another one, but that's okay. 11 for 2011

11. Be more social. I have turned into a hermit. I need to keep in better contact with friends and make more of an effort to see them, live and in person.