Ahh home, let me go home. Home is wherever I'm with you. -Home/Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

Man, I hardly ever write in here, but when I do... WHOO BOY... don't I have news?!

Drum roll please...

I AM ENGAGED!

Germy Germ popped the question a few weeks ago. It was mellow, low key, no pomp and circumstance... I wouldn't have wanted it any different.

We were at the house, where we first started, and he was acting REALLY weird. I kept asking if he was pissed off or what was going on. Anyway, we're in my room and he pulls me to the side of the bed and he's on the floor and all the sudden he goes in SUPER SRS mode.

He told me that he loved me more than he ever imagined possible, I was the epitome of everything he wanted in a person, that he loved my kids and felt blessed to be apart of their lives, loved how I was with his girls and that as long as I was around, he felt that everything would be okay.

The ring is GORGEOUS. I helped design it, but I wasn't real sure how it would turn out. I loooooooooove it.

My mom is not speaking to me... she apparently has nothing to say to me that I would like to hear, so, yeah. I spilled my heart out to her and she's yet to respond in any tangible way.

You know, I have spent my life bending over backwards to make that woman proud of me and she has made me feel like I was an utter failure over and over again. I love that woman, but I'm ready to stop letting her dictate my opinion of myself. I am an amazing mother, I am a good person and am a very very happy individual. I may not have lots of money in the bank or some fancy title next to my name, but Jesus Christ, if you can't be proud that your kid turned out to be a happy, well adjusted person... what exactly do you need from them?

I'm learning how to be in this "step-mom" role. We're fortunate that all the kids are young, his are 7 and almost 9, so we don't have to deal with teenage hormones on top of everything. That doesn't mean that there's not an adjustment.

We're learning how to handle disciplining the kids together and how to have each other's backs. I've tried to be consistent with my discipline of the kids and I guess for the most part I do a pretty good job of it. I'm the same way with his girls that I am with my kids and when Germy's not around, they do exactly as I tell them. When he is around... different story.

Both of his girls are poster children for "Daddy's Little Girls" and I love their relationship, BUT it does make discipline a little bit of a sore point. His youngest definitely has his card when it comes to that.

It's just hard. I know how I felt whenever my dad and step mom got serious and how all my territorial instincts came out. That was MY daddy and who did this woman think she was telling me how to act? But at the same time, I also have two kids watching my relationship with his girls and I don't want anybody to think that anyone is getting preferential treatment. I don't want the girls thinking that I'm trying to take their dad away from them, but at the same time, I don't want two kids to dictate the boundaries of our relationship.

We're getting through it and talking it out... Germy Germ's not exactly thrilled whenever we talk about it because while he agrees that I have a point, he doesn't enjoy feeling like I'm mad at him or not happy with the way he's doing things.

Good Heavens! Who knew?

A's pre-K registration is on Monday. When did that happen? When did that little baby that I learned how to take care of by stumbling blindly through day-by-day become a kid that needs to be registered for formal schooling?

Summertime and the living's easy...

Holy crap... over 3 months since my last post. I guess I've been kind of busy, or something.

Let's see...

Germy Germ (Jerm, Bachelor Man) and I are absolutely magically wonderful. We went to a concert in Austin at the beginning of March and the dynamic of our relationship changed completely. The "L Bomb" was dropped and it seems like we've been running forward ever since.

We're fixing up a house on my BIL's property and plan on moving in the first of July.

Also, I've picked out a ring...

The wedding wouldn't be until late Spring/early Summer next year, so that's a good thing... put a little bit of time into it so we're not jumping into something.

He is amazing with the kids and his kids are amazing. I'm actually staying at home with all FOUR kids during the summer.

Which brings me to my summer vacation... so far I have spent the first two days of playing stay at home mommy in my swim suit for 90% of the time. Germy and I are going to Austin for a show July 1st, then it's the lake for our family reunion that weekend, then Dallas for a vacation with all 6 of us which includes the Jonas Brothers/Demi Lovato/Camp Rock tour... plus random little trips. It's slightly insane keeping track of all four kids, plus my niece when she comes over, but I think after a couple weeks, I'll have it down. Having a swimming pool and living out on 15 acres of land doesn't hurt.

Things with M are... strained to say the least. I talked to one of his best friends that works for the VA and he wants to get him into a rehab facility. While he's not drinking, he's definitely dependent on prescriptions (anti depressants, xanax, some other stuff). M's pulling the act where he saying he's hiring a lawyer and taking me to court and he's going for custody of the kids and at this point, I almost think that him doing that would be a good thing. At least he wouldn't be able to say that he didn't get a fair shake if I was awarded the kids... again (which I'm 99.9% sure I would be). It just pisses me off that he had the opportunity to take part in the divorce proceedings the first time around and chose not to and is forever pissed with the outcome, even though he didn't screwed over in the slightest. M's buddy told me that he thinks that M is finally realizing that he doesn't have anybody to blame except himself for his current situation and that he's not liking that realization, probably because it means he'd have to take responsibility for something and Lord knows he doesn't know how to do that.

I'm feeling the urge to go back to school again. I know. I know. I know. 47th time's a charm right? I think I'm going to try and take whatever classes online that I can and kind of ease back into the school thing. Every time I tried to get back in, I did what I always do and went completely balls to the wall... 21 hours in one semester while pregnant? NOT. SMART. Germy should be making enough money that by the time I'm ready to hit the books full time on campus that I could probably do that without having to work and that would help A. LOT. I'm going to finish up cosmetology, but I definitely have my sights set on something a little bit more intellectually stimulating.

Juliet, I'd do the stars with you anytime. -Romeo and Juliet/Dire Straits

I feel a sinus infection/sore throat/ear infection coming on. NO ME GUSTA!

So, last night we all decided that we were going to have The Biggest Loser: Family Edition going on with my pop's side of the family. The dad, step mom, step sister, brother in law and I are all going to see who has the biggest percentage weight loss by my birthday, 7/11. We're all throwing money in the pot and whoever wins, gets the cash.

I have GOT to get rid of this damn weight. It's ridiculous. I need to start doing some kind of physical activity and that'll help it come off, plus not eating like I'm trying to feed a set of octuplets growing inside me would be good too.

I'm so excited about this weekend. I have the kiddos and I think we're going to go to a hockey game on Friday and then Saturday we're going bowling. Bachelor Man and maybe his girls will be joining us. Holy shit. Can we say "cluster fuck"?

Speaking of Bachelor Man, the Bro-in-law was talking to him on the phone the other night and was asking what he was up to. Jerm (Bachelor Man) said that he was coming over to my place and BIL was like, well you can come over for a beer before, but I doubt that'll be happening. Jerm was like, nah, I'll come hang out... later... I just have tunnel vision right now.

I had to give him shit for that, but I was also uber-flattered by it. I am digging him hardcore, man. His personality is just awesome... While I'm not saying that I'm in loooooooove with him, whenever it does hit that point and I'm ready to let my heart go, I will pin the moment on when I fell for him to the night that we started talking about Degrassi and realized he was some kind of Degrassi savant.

Sans Crazy Dave, the guys that I have dated post M have been pretty kick ass to hang out with, regardless of how they might have ended.

How I don't know what I should do with my hands when I talk to you. How you don't know where you should look, so you look at my hands. -Pamphleteer

I should really make our meetings more frequent.

It's a snow day outside. Huzzah!

I'm so burnt out on school and realize that I have less than a third of my hours to get but I feel like there is no. end. in. sight. and I am over it. The salon is slow and if I have to do one more gah damn thing on a mannequin I will scream. Thus, I am embracing snow day even if it means being holed up with the children folk who apparently snorted lines of crack when I wasn't looking and are indulging in their new favorite hobby of tattling. Woooooooooooooo!

In other news...

Bachelor Man and I are getting along very well. We had a fabulous first date at a lovely restaurant and have proceeded to hang out every night since then, except for Friday when I went to go see the Randy Rogers Band.

It seems this is how I roll with relationships. Just thrust myself full on in there.

He's been around the kids minimally still. He comes over either right before they go to bed, right after they go to bed or when M has them. Last night he was over watching a movie with me and C woke up. Normally, if that happens late at night I'll just shut it down and go lay down in bed with C, but I couldn't so much do that. I got C out of his crib and put him on the couch with the two of us. I was laying in Bachelor Man's lap and C laid all his blankets on my lap and burrowed in.

Dating with kids is so odd. I can't help but look at a little moment like that and wonder if this will be the guy that will be a main male figure in the kids' lives. Will this be the guy that helps A learn how to ride a bike? That will teach C how to drum (he's a drummer)? That will meet A's first date at the door and tell him to have A back by midnight? That will teach C how to shave or give him "the talk" before his first date with a girl?

I know it's only a month in, but I'm tired of pursuing relationships with people and giving them my heart and then things falling through after I'm already in it. I'm not saying that I'm looking for Number 2, but if I'm gonna date someone, I at least want to be semi-sure that I would be okay with them being in my kids' lives for a substantial period of time.

Meh, I'm just enjoying it for right now. He's much more on my level personality/interest wise than my past endeavors. Once again, we shall see...

My kids are so freakin adorable. A just walked in here wearing her Sleeping Beauty dress and told me she was sorry she was late because her dance was taking too long. Then she wanted to show me her "prince" who just happens to be C. C is just following her around as she keeps his ass in line. Hilarious. A also apparently got fed up with M's unusual chattiness last weekend that she told him "for the love of God will you please be quiet." Have no clue where she got that from...

I need to go on a diet like Fo' Real. My winter coat keeps expanding and I'm not doing a damn thing to stop it, which needs to change, otherwise summer is not going to be pretty.

So, it looks like I'll be making a move out to my pop's in March. I haven't quite yet broached that subject with the moms, but I feel that this will be the best for everyone involved. I'm pretty excited actually. I can not believe how wonderful it's been since Daddy's come back in my life.

How long can you pray and still not see a change? I faithfully remain. -Faithfully Remain/Ben Harper

I just watched the most retarded movie ever, "Wedding Daze", but it made me get a big "what if" in my mind. The two main characters decide on a whim to get married after a spontaneous proposal from the lead male within seconds of meeting the lead female.

The completely illogical, spontaneous side of me wants to just go get married to the next dude that I click with during introductions. Honestly, if I didn't have kids, it wouldn't be so hard to imagine myself doing that. At this point in my life, I feel like marriage is such a crap shoot anyway.

I mean, M and I looked good on paper, but in reality... not so much.

I invested my emotions in BB and Mr Man and wound up getting royally screwed on both of those.

Guess I'm just a little on the bitter side when it comes to relationships. Mr Man messed with me more than I initially thought. I miss him. I miss curling up in bed with him. I miss talking about random crap together. I miss being able to text him my random thoughts throughout the day. Ugh... so frustrating. I feel like I just got written off and yet, I can't help thinking that last Valentine's Day I was having dinner at Wall Street and then going to Jaguar's with him. That was the BEST V-Day ever.

I have a date on Thursday with my brother in law's buddy. He just turned 34, has two girls (6 and 8), a good job... Here's the kicker though, while he has been in relationships (he was with his baby mama until a year or so ago, they never got married) he has never formally courted a girl. Which means, this will be his first formal first date. Oh Em Gee.

Like, seriously? I honestly can not do anything the easy way. I can't just find a normal dude, with a normal dating history, with no kids or if he has kids, manages to have a normal relationship with baby mama, with a good job, with no mental problems, who manages to act like a grown ass man. I guess when you start dating guys that are older then you start dating people that are prone to have a bit more of a "history" than guys in their younger 20s.

My BIL assures me that Bachelor Man is a good guy and I'm sure he is, but Jesus Christ... I was also M's first formal relationship and look at how well that one turned out.

I'm just rolling with it and right now we're just hanging out as friends. I think the most physical contact we've had is me patting him on the leg after the Superbowl because the Colts lost. Should be interesting...

I can handle a lot, But one thing I'm missing is in your eyes. - Eyes/Rogue Waves

Mr Man and I are no mas.

I'm saddened.

I wrote an email basically calling him out on his MIA-ness in a very well worded, non dramatic way.

He responded, acknowledging his asshole-y, douche baggy behavior and said, "Apparently I am horrible at relationships, prioritizing, and caring about anyone other myself... You are a truly awesome girls and deserve more that I can give." Which when it all comes down is basically, "It's not you... it's me."

I let myself have real feelings for him AND on top of that, got attached to his kids.

And now... I'm sick (kidney stone, kidney infection) and single.

This is probably what I need to do. Be single, not sick.

But it SUCKS.

And let's be honest here... the soon to be dry spell I'm about to hit is not going to be any ball park either.

The only dude that is showing remote interest me is my ex husband.

My prospects are non existent being as how all the guys I associate with are of the homosexual persuasion.

Which, in a slightly related note, I have promised one of my eggs to a beautiful bisexual Puerto Rican should he not have children by 35 because he is convinced we would have the most beautiful babies ever.

Dear Lord, what has my life become?

Put down your sword and crown / Come lay with me on the ground - Moth's Wings / Passion Pit

Oh life... you are one confusing mother.

Things with Mr Man are... complicated? I got so used to spending so much time with him over the Christmas holidays, which I should've known wasn't going to be par for the course. I didn't have the kids, I didn't have school, the oil field pretty much shuts down...

Anyhow, January rolled around and life got back to normal and I've seen Mr Man twice since the Monday after New Year's. Once for about an hour on a Monday night, then last weekend when we went to the rodeo with my dad and step mom and C.

I talked to him about it... it's not that he's checking out, he's just got a lot of shit to do. He's kind of a big deal at the office and that means that people depend on him, which equals lots of pressure. In theory, I understand all that. And I've tried to stop being the needy girl, but it's getting a little bit old. Especially when I don't know if I'll see him this weekend since I have the kids... (he tends to be scarce during my weekends with my kids... even though I hang out with him no prob when he has his kids), he's supposed to go to Houston for some marketing conference thing next weekend and then I'm going to Ft Stockton the weekend after that... so yeah... that's three weekends without anything?

I understand he's busy. I understand he has work commitments. I just want him to think enough of me that he sets aside time for me because he wants to. I don't want to just be the excess baggage that gets thrown to the side whenever work and his kids start taking up more of his free time. I don't want to be the backburner girl... I want to be a priority. I don't need him to drop everything for me, but... shit...

I feel like I'm letting him have the best of both worlds. He gets to go about his business without worrying about me, but at the same time knows that if he were to text me today and ask to come over tonight, I'd say yes... no problem. Personally, I think I deserve more than that.

Then... there's M. Oh M. He wants another chance so badly I can taste it. After being out in the dating world for about a year, I'm starting to wonder if that isn't such a bad idea after all. Honestly, if M moved down here and finished school/got a job (preferably both) and got his mental shit straightened out... I think things could actually work. Maybe... I dunno.

Maybe I'm just so jaded on the dating scene that I'm going back to my safety. I know M loves me more than anything in the world and that at one point in time I felt the same, so how hard could it be to get back to that point?

GAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

I think I just need to quit the dating thing for awhile and concentrate on the kids and I. I really haven't been single this whole past year and perhaps I need to figure out what I really want/need instead of just jumping from guy to guy.

I also think M needs to go out and experience different relationships before he just decides I'm the shit. It would devastate me if we did wind up getting back together (which is a far far far cry from actually happening) and then 15 years down the road he's like Oh wow... there's other women out there.

I also probably need my period to just go ahead and start because these hormones are a-ragin' and they are making me slightly emotional/crazy.