There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. -Anaïs Nin

When I was with Matt I got severely depressed twice. I had horrible postpartum depression after Ava and after finally going to the doctor and being put on Lexapro, I was able to be back to my old self, non-medicated, within 6 months. A few months after Matt got back from Iraq, I found myself in my bad place again and went through the same routine with the Lexapro and was off it and back to normal within 6 months again.

I was depressed because I wasn't happy (obviously) with myself, Matt, our marriage, our future... everything. I lost a lot of what I loved about myself in the process and it wasn't until I took myself out of the situation that I got back that person that I was so proud of.

I find myself teetering on the very far perimeter of the beginning of that bad place and I want to nip it in the bud. It's not Jeremy or our relationship or future. If anything, Jeremy is my calm place. I seek refuge in him and know that he is always going to be my safe place. I think the cause this time is because I'm not sure of me right now.

My life consists of taking care of my family and in the process I feel like my family is defining me. I am so lucky to have these people in my family. I'm lucky that I was blessed enough to have such amazingly wonderful kids, that Jeremy chose to have all three of us in his life and that his girls have accepted us as well. I think what I'm struggling with right now. I know what an intelligent, creative, multi dimensional person I am, but I am having SUCH a hard time figuring out how to portray that internally and externally.

I love being able to stay home with the kids, but I want a career. When people ask, "What do you do?" I want to be able to respond with something other than, "Oh I stay at home with the kids." Not to knock stay at home moms AT. ALL. I respect the Hell out of anyone that does it because I know first hand that it is harder than any job out there. I just think that there is something different out there. I mean, shit, even if I could just get a hobby other than "listening to music, hanging out with friends", I'd be happy.

I'm just bored with myself, definitely not my life, just myself. I bored with my wardrobe, my hair... I can only continue to get so many tattoos to change things up. I just don't know what I want to do. I would ideally like to stay mostly at home until Corbin starts kindergarten. I definitely know that I won't be pursuing anything until after this summer because trying to arrange for childcare for four children over the summer is just ridiculous. I wouldn't be opposed to doing something part time, whether it be work/school, once the school year started since Ava will be in school all day. It wouldn't hurt for Corbin to hang out with some peeps his age for a bit too.

I'd been throwing around finishing up my degree and getting my Master's so I could be a counselor in schools, but being a newly graduated educator in Texas is a baaaaaaaaaaaad place to be right now financially. I'm sure that once I was done with school and looking for a job, things will turn around (hopefully), but I can't imagine spending all that time and money and not being able to do what I wanted with it.

I need a guidance counselor to give me an aptitude test that takes into consideration all the other things I'm juggling that need to remain a priority in my life. For right now, I'm getting a gym membership so that for an hour or two I have time to myself. I can use that time to improve myself physically, but also to just think about stuff, release some stress. Plus, there's childcare so the kids can have a break too and it'll ease Corbin into being away from me.

I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Haley's comet. -The Hangover

I want to keep Alan from The Hangover in my pocket with me at all times because he just really makes me happy. He wouldn't even need to talk. Just stand there all beardy, poorly dressed with a baby strapped on him.

I've had this kind of epiphany lately and I feel the need to document it.

I tripped balls whenever I turned 25. Like, had a REAL freakin' hard time with it.

Possibly due to the fact that I hadn't graduated college, had no job, nor job prospects, yet was married with two children... I don't know. I just didn't feel like my life equaled 25. Some kind of mental disconnect or something.

For some reason I had this perception that 30 is some magical grown up age. Kind of like game over... it's srs business time. Anywho, after dating two guys in their 30s... I've realized that is not true.

Basically, as long as you've got your shit together, can pay your bills and take care of your responsibilities you can still partake in activities that are not all srs business.

Anyway, it makes me quite excited about the future. Since leaving M, I think I've let a lot of the newfound single mother responsibility age me mentally. I feel A LOT older than 26. Instead of feeling like my young days are far behind me, I'm trying to take it one day at a time with the responsibility thing while still enjoy as much of that day as I can.

There has been a lot of crap going on, just in the last week alone, and I could really be in a bad place right now, but I'm so cool with life now. I was a ball of nauseous nerves on Monday due to the fact that I thought I was getting divorced the next day and then I had a two hour crying/pissed off as all hell moment when I learned I was not getting divorced the next day. I however, took lemons (in reality, limes) and turned them into partners of tequila shots with Mr Man and had a splendid end to a really really really shitty day.

I've made a new hobby of harassing my lawyer's assistant multiple times a day to see when the new court date will be. Honestly, I probably won't have a final hearing until 2010, but whatever, I'll get there. I just am trying really hard to not stress out about the stuff that I have little to no control over and take care of the stuff that I do.

I'm in a good place.