Don't you forget about me :)

Wow... it's been awhile.

So, the BB thing is officially done. It's a good thing though. I don't want the two most important people in my life to ever be seen to anyone as dealbreakers. I realize I come with a lot of baggage, but my babies are precious cargo and the person that I'm supposed to wind up with will love me because of the kids... not in spite of.

If anything it made me feel closer to the kids and really treasure them... it kind of sucks that it took someone not wanting them to make me realize how freaking kick ass they are.

Anyway, I need to get everything with myself settled before I go jumping into something serious. My silly heart... falling hard and fast.

Not to say that I'm off the dating scene... come on now, this is me we're talking about. The first guy I talked to/dated after M and I split kind of fell off the face of the planet. Ironically, he happened to pop back up when BB and I split.

Mr Man is 30, works an insane amount of hours, has two kids... one of which is about to be 14... yes, 14... meaning he became a daddy at 16. He has full custody of his son. Our schedule's don't coordinate often, due to me having the kids every other weekend and during the week and him not wanting to parade chicks around his son and he rarely gets kid-free weekends.

We went on a date a few weeks ago... had a blast. Went to a wedding with him Saturday as his plus one. I have fun with him and things aren't serious. I know that this will probably never progress to a serious relationship and I'm all right with that.

Things with the divorce are still at a stand still. My lawyer sucks big donkey balls. HUGE. Apparently, he's tied up in jury trials constantly and can't deal with little peon divorce cases. Hate him.

The kids are brilliant. A is really into pushing her boundaries so that's been... trying. However, she is becoming more and more of a little adult everyday and it's awesome carrying on actual conversations with her. I've been sick the past couple days so I was laying on the couch after I put them to bed. She got out of bed to sing me a song about how I was the best and she loved me and if I was sad all I had to do was think about Santa Claus coming.

C is my human wrecking ball. I can't get over how much of the stereotypical boy he already embodies. He wants to get into everything he's not supposed to and he wants to destroy it all. He is completely a Mama's boy and is the best cuddler ever in the history of man.

School is going... I've missed a lot because of kids being sick and me being sick and life... but we're getting there. I'm just ready to make that skrilla!

And another one bites the dust

This weekend BB and I had all four kids together for the first time.

Overwhelming? Yes.

Exhausting? Yes.

Did it change my mind at all about wanting to be with him? No.

Did it change his mind? Yes.

Right now, he's "mulling things over". Apparently, he underestimated the challenge that four children would bring and in his words right now he, "doesn't want this weekend."

Fuck.

I had my whole future dreamed up with him. I actually believed that he was "the one".

Apparently, the two most important people in my life are deal breakers in his eyes.

I know that he was overwhelmed and freaked out, but why throw away our entire future over one weekend? Of course, it's going to be crazy... it was the first weekend they were all together. Jesus, give it another chance...

My heart hurts... but at the same time, I'm glad I found out now instead of moving down there and then him figuring out that he couldn't do it.

Honestly, I can't fault him for feeling like this. However, I do think it's kind of hypocritical. He always bitched about how his exes left him because things got too tough and they just couldn't handle the Army bullshit or whatever. He's doing the exact same thing to me... he can't handle the kids... even though he fucking has kids.

Maybe he just needs more time to process and he'll decide that this is something he could do, or rather something he wants to do. Jesus Christ, it sure does sting though. He thinks I am utterly perfect for him and kept telling me over and over if it was just me and him, but it's not and it never will be, so the point is moot.

With this whole fiasco brought the realization that a single mother with two kids that can't have anymore kids is not exactly a prime catch... I thought I'd just hit the jackpot with BB and that he was going to accept and love the whole package. Obviously, I gave him a little too much credit.