This is the part where I start freaking out...

Holy moly! I just wrote a checklist of everything I need to have done for the wedding and it is riiiiidiiiiculous. I'm slightly overwhelmed now. I know everything is going to come together but man, seeing it all written out is making me trip out a bit. 

Not much else has been going on around these parts. I've been doing a lot better on the being a good little housewife front. I'm looking at it like this is my job, so the house is my office and i wouldn't want my office to look like a hot mess so I'm not going to let the house look a hot mess. I've been trying to make the kids more accountable for their messes but I still spend a large majority of my time picking up behind people. 

Jeremy has his bachelor party this weekend. He's going to the lake with some of his buddies. I'm glad he's actually doing something instead of just hanging out in OD for a night. My bachelorette party is at the end of the month and I am so excited. Can't wait to see all my girls and be out of town and have adult grown up time all weekend. Yahoo buckaroo. 

I have suuuuuucked at this whole diet/working out for the wedding. Jeremy likes his women with some meat on their bones so that lowers the motivation just a tad. I'm going to try and put in a last ditch effort for this last month. 

Ahhhhhhhh! As of tomorrow it is ONE freaking month til I get married. Holy buckets!

There is darkness all around us I don't feel weak but I do need sometimes for her to protect me And reconnect me to the beauty that I'm missin' -January Wedding/The Avett Brothers

What I would give to see these guys perform live.

January Wedding - The Avett Brothers


Man, I'm watching The Avett Brothers on Austin City Limits and I am feeling it. I used to sit down and listen to music and now it's just kind of background noise. I miss letting it take control of my emotions and just going with it. I don't know if I'm just in a mood or if The Avett Brothers are really that profound, but it's soul stirring music on the TV right now.

In other news, I'm getting married in less than two months.

Shit.

I have SO much to do but I'm just channeling my procrastinating side and figure that I'll be more inspired/motivated when it gets closer. I am so ready for the day. A little bit of it is due to wanting to be done with the planning, but the majority of the reason is because I can not wait to marry Jeremy. I can't wait to see him standing, waiting for me to join him in front of our friends and family as I officially become his wife. AHH!

I am so in love with that man, it's not even funny. We had the weekend to ourselves and Friday we had an amazing dinner and grabbed some coffee and walked around downtown Midland and just talked about random stuff. Yesterday we spent all day in bed being stupid and hanging out. It was lovely. I love that I live with my best friend and that the one person in the world who I want to hang out with constantly wants to hang out with me all the time too. Add to the fact that my children adore him and from time to time, I think that they prefer him over me, but that's because I play Bad Cop.

Anyhow, I'm excited as can be and am super hoping that it all falls together.

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. -Anaïs Nin

When I was with Matt I got severely depressed twice. I had horrible postpartum depression after Ava and after finally going to the doctor and being put on Lexapro, I was able to be back to my old self, non-medicated, within 6 months. A few months after Matt got back from Iraq, I found myself in my bad place again and went through the same routine with the Lexapro and was off it and back to normal within 6 months again.

I was depressed because I wasn't happy (obviously) with myself, Matt, our marriage, our future... everything. I lost a lot of what I loved about myself in the process and it wasn't until I took myself out of the situation that I got back that person that I was so proud of.

I find myself teetering on the very far perimeter of the beginning of that bad place and I want to nip it in the bud. It's not Jeremy or our relationship or future. If anything, Jeremy is my calm place. I seek refuge in him and know that he is always going to be my safe place. I think the cause this time is because I'm not sure of me right now.

My life consists of taking care of my family and in the process I feel like my family is defining me. I am so lucky to have these people in my family. I'm lucky that I was blessed enough to have such amazingly wonderful kids, that Jeremy chose to have all three of us in his life and that his girls have accepted us as well. I think what I'm struggling with right now. I know what an intelligent, creative, multi dimensional person I am, but I am having SUCH a hard time figuring out how to portray that internally and externally.

I love being able to stay home with the kids, but I want a career. When people ask, "What do you do?" I want to be able to respond with something other than, "Oh I stay at home with the kids." Not to knock stay at home moms AT. ALL. I respect the Hell out of anyone that does it because I know first hand that it is harder than any job out there. I just think that there is something different out there. I mean, shit, even if I could just get a hobby other than "listening to music, hanging out with friends", I'd be happy.

I'm just bored with myself, definitely not my life, just myself. I bored with my wardrobe, my hair... I can only continue to get so many tattoos to change things up. I just don't know what I want to do. I would ideally like to stay mostly at home until Corbin starts kindergarten. I definitely know that I won't be pursuing anything until after this summer because trying to arrange for childcare for four children over the summer is just ridiculous. I wouldn't be opposed to doing something part time, whether it be work/school, once the school year started since Ava will be in school all day. It wouldn't hurt for Corbin to hang out with some peeps his age for a bit too.

I'd been throwing around finishing up my degree and getting my Master's so I could be a counselor in schools, but being a newly graduated educator in Texas is a baaaaaaaaaaaad place to be right now financially. I'm sure that once I was done with school and looking for a job, things will turn around (hopefully), but I can't imagine spending all that time and money and not being able to do what I wanted with it.

I need a guidance counselor to give me an aptitude test that takes into consideration all the other things I'm juggling that need to remain a priority in my life. For right now, I'm getting a gym membership so that for an hour or two I have time to myself. I can use that time to improve myself physically, but also to just think about stuff, release some stress. Plus, there's childcare so the kids can have a break too and it'll ease Corbin into being away from me.

You're the only reason I keep on coming home. -Sweet Pea/Amos Lee

What it do, Internets?

Today is my best friend's son's 5th birthday. He was born exactly 5 months after Ava and was also a little bitty premie, that has turned into a great big moose of a boy. I think I'm more nostalgic-y about his birthday than I was Ava's. When did our babies get so big?

I've decided to start "smart" grocery shopping. We spend a ridiculous amount of money on eating out and our grocery bill is astronomical when we do an actual full fledged stocking up trip. I spent a couple hours scouring the ads and finding some coupons for stuff we need. I don't think I'm quite to the point where I'm going to do that crazy extreme couponing business, but if we can save some money and have food here that the kids will actually eat... that'll be awesome.

The suits for both of my boys are in. I can't wait to see them all dressed up in their man attire.

My dress is still in China somewhere, hopefully being manufactured into something that is going to knock everyone's socks off. REALLY trying not to get my expectations too high. I did, however, order a dress for our engagement pictures from Modcloth where I want all of my clothes to come from so I can be the indie/wanna be hipster that I see myself as but totally don't look.

And now for some music...

34. Acid Tongue - Jenny Lewis


35. My Boy Builds Coffins - Florence and the Machine


36. Sweet Pea - Amos Lee


37. Shake Me Down - Cage the Elephant


38. Can't Help Falling In Love - Ingrid Michaelson


39. One Day - Sharon Van Etten


40. No Strings - Mayer Hawthorne


41. The Truth - Alexander


42. Rolling Sea - Vetiver





The perfect tattoo... the one I believe we are all struggling toward... is the one that turned the jackass into a zebra. -Cliff Raven

Somebody got a tattoo!

I got the one on my left shoulder basically redone because the guy who did it originally SUCKED ASS. It looks soooooooo much better. It's three little birds because I used to sign Three Little Birds to Ava and Corbin when they were babies. Ava's the purple bird, Corbin's the green one and I'm the red one.

The one on my left is a line from Forever Young by Bob Dylan (which is going to be my father/daughter dance), "May your heart always be joyful and may your song always be sung." He put some jasmine flowers in the filigree since my name comes from Jasmine. I LOVE IT. The lines are super crisp and as far as tattoos go it wasn't painful at all. Louis the Tattooist at Blue Collar Art rocks the freakin' house. I'm so glad I found someone that does good work.

I have the end of Spring Break blues. I'm getting my babies back today which I'm so excited about, but my goodness it's been nice having some time to myself.

34. We No Speak Americano - Yolanda Be Cool Vrs DCup

35. My Chick Bad - Ludacris Ft Nicki Minaj

36. S&M - Rihanna

I guess every superhero need his theme music. -Power/Kanye West

I am over wedding planning. OVER IT! I decided to look up music instead. Yay music.

31. Power - Kanye West



32. What I Have Left - Mike Bones



33. Me Vale - Mana (Jeremy's mom's Lexus has the radio controls on the steering wheel, which led to me changing the radio station every .2 seconds and this was on one of the 8903890 Spanish stations. I had to Shazam it because I couldn't figure out if it was in English or not)

You don't marry someone you can live with, you marry the person who you cannot live without.

I didn't want to be one of those brides that gets in a wedding daze and can talk about nothing else. I believe I've done a fairly decent job at it. However, we are now under the 3 month mark and I am overcome with wedding business. How much have we spent? How much more do we have to spend? How many rows of chairs should we have? What kind of Spanx should I get? Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

The following will probably not interest anyone but myself, but I gotta line this stuff out for my benefit so that I can either slap myself upside the head or congratulate myself for money spent/saved.

The original plan was to spend less than $5000 since Jeremy and I are paying 95% of this ourselves. Let's see where we stand:

Venue: Free.99 Ceremony and reception will be at my Pop's house

Dress: $138 Thank you eBay. The dress should arrive in the middle of April. We shall see if this was a good investment. I'm putting aside $200-300 for alterations for Jeremy's suits and all our dresses, if need be.

Girls' dresses: $113 total for three dresses from Pink Marie  I actually found them on ebay.

Photographer: $1100 Meg Perkins Photography Our package consists of an engagement session, copyright to 10-20 images on CD, 5x5 press book of shoot, 11x14 stretched canvas, ceremony, 1 hour after ceremony, 3 hours of reception, copyright to ALL pictures taken, 10x10 coffee table book

Hair: TBD, though I was quoted less than $300 for myself and the three girls by a friend of a friend

Suits: $200 total for Corbin's and Jeremy's. I found Corbin's on ebay and Jeremy found his on Men's USA. We tested out suit jackets at Burlington so we knew what size to get. We shall see on this as well.

Guys' accessories: $45 total for Corbin and Jeremy's shirts, still need to get belts and Jeremy's bound and determined to get some purple and orange argyle socks.

Shoes: $390; 2 pairs of custom Vans for Jeremy and Corbin, 4 pairs of custom Converse for the girls and I

Hairpieces/boutonnieres: Between $130-$200 from Skull Kandy; 4 custom fascinators for myself and the girls and 2-4 custom boutonnieres for Corbin and Jeremy (maybe for Josh and Daddy as well)

Flowers: $150; I'm ordering flowers in bulk from Sam's; I need to order my bouquet from a florist which will be made up of calla lillies

Decorations: So far we're under $100 for paper lanterns from Just Artifacts  I still have to buy tablecloths and runners. For the centerpieces I'll be using painted wine bottles as vases, kind of like this:

I'm going to do more muted colors, maybe metallic/pearlized. I'll put them on mirror tiles, maybe, and have some tea lights beside them, maybe.

Invitations: $130 from Inviting Moments which I can not recommend enough. She ROCKS. HARD.

Rings: $116. Jeremy got his from Kay's (I think that's the one) and I'll just be using my engagement ring as my wedding ring. I may eventually get a small band to wear should we ever plan on being somewhere that my finger will be at risk of being cut off for my diamond.

DJ: Free.99  We had a guy and then he had to cancel, so my uncle who used to DJ stepped in and is doing this fo' free. Y.A.Y.

Cake: $150 tops. I want a cupcake cake. I got a quote of over $300 JUST for the cupcakes. That's not putting it together or delivering it or anything. This right here is my inspiration:

We found hat boxes in that same print and Jeremy's mom and sister have so graciously offered to make the cupcakes. Huzzah.

Food: Not a clue. A good family friend does catering and we need to pin down the money on this one.

Alcohol: Not a clue. We're doing beer and wine. Jeremy is dead set on having "good" beer which I think is fine and dandy if you're sitting around your house drinking beer, but providing kegs of Red Stripe for people who are more than likely going to get drizzy drunk is just ridiculous, but whatever...

Officiant: $20 We were originally going to have my brother in law/Jeremy's best friend marry us, but he was having major anxiety over it, so one of Jeremy's good friends is doing it instead. We got him ordained with the Universal Life Church and went ahead and sprung for the wallet identification card so he can tell everyone he's official and shit.

Chairs/Table Rental: $232 from Russell Rentals for chairs and tables for 125-150.

I'm getting a membership to the Y as a last ditch effort to not have back fat and a 1 month tanning membership because if there is back fat, at least it will be tan. That'll be another $100 or so.

We're around $3500 right now so I'm actually feeling quite well about things. I have spent HOURS looking online for good deals and I will be SO proud if things turn out the way I have envisioned them. I know I have minimal readers, but if you stumble upon this, my biggest tip is that if you have the time and you're on a budget RESEARCH! Wedding's can get so expensive because of the little random stuff and that seems to be the easiest place to save. We took a huge gamble on the clothing since everything has been bought sight unseen and I pray it pays off. I think the less caught up you get in the fairy tale and realize that it is just one day, the easier it is to plan.

Thought I'd never see the love you found in me. Walking On A Dream/Empire of the Sun

Jerm and I had a date night last night and part of it consisted of seeing Hall Pass which had some awesome music in it. I'd expound on date night, but I'm still recuperating from it, so instead you get music. Ta Da.

24. Art Isn't Real - Deer Tick



25. Psychic City - YACHT



26. When They Fight, They Fight - The Generationals



27. Walking On A Dream - Empire Of the Sun



28. Tighten Up - The Black Keys



29. Everywhere I Go - Lissie



30. Quiet Little Voices- We Were Promised Jet Packs

It is much easier to become a father than to be one. -Kent Nerburn

I hate when I get to the point where I just want my kids to go to their dad ASAP. It makes me feel like a horrible mother and I'm not.

My kids have a father. They have a father that they love very much and think that he absolutely rules the world.

I bring down the fevers and get milk in the middle of the night and sleep in a cramped fetal position because they make their way to my bed and I'm too tired to turn them away. I do homework, I read stories, I do hair, I put together outfits, I fix boo-boos. I give hugs and kisses, I sing songs, I drive them here and there. I take them to see family. I'm there 24/7. Yet, their dad is the rock star.

I get it. Does it piss me off from time to time? Yes, but I get it. They see him every other weekend. They see me day in and day out. They're with him long enough to have fun, but not long enough to get in any real trouble or for the novelty of being with their dad to wear off. Of course he's going to be the "fun" parent.

What pisses me off is that he consistently lets them down. He says he'll be here on Friday and then suddenly he's too tired/stressed/whatever to get them, can he get them tomorrow? I'm the one that has to break it to them. All. The. Time. I have to watch them at the window waiting for their dad who inevitably doesn't show up. I'm the one they have to settle with.

I'm tired. I'm stressed. Somehow I still manage to take care of my children and love them fiercely.

I'm not one of those vindictive exes that wants to keep the kids all to myself. I want them to have a relationship with their dad. If he lived here, I would split the time 50/50 with him, but he refuses to move closer despite the fact that there's NOTHING for him where he is now.

I am thankful that we have Jeremy in our life because he gives the kids a stable father figure, but I'm also sad that my kids can't rely on their biological dad for that. I feel like he's going to break Ava's heart one day and I just don't think that a girl's first heartbreak should come from her father.

May your heart always be joyful and may your song always be sung. -Forever Young/Bob Dylan

Man I do not want to look at the bank account right now.

I ordered Jeremy and Corbin's custom Vans and the girls' and mine custom Converse shoes for the wedding, my wedding dress, Corbin's suit and the girls' dresses today. Tomorrow I have to get a cashier's check for the photographer and then I believe I will take a break from wedding purchases for a bit. I'm gonna have to pay for all this stuff either way, but it's less painful when the expenses are spaced out a bit.

We're finally back in our house. We've been back about a week, so that's nice. Jeremy's parents were more than hospitable, but if the kids go wild over here, the only people that they're bothering is me and that's par for the course.

So, my great granny died last week. While it's sad when anyone dies, she was 95 and definitely lived a full life and from what I can tell from when we went and visited her last time, she was ready. I went down to visit with family, which I was planning before she passed away since my aunt and uncle were going to be in town. It was nice seeing everyone and Ava and Corbin getting to spend time with them, but I wasn't quite prepared for the emotional toll that the memorial service would have on me. My mom's side of the family are Jehovah's Witnesses, my mom is currently disfellowshipped. She's basically cut off from all of her family. Since I was never baptized, I get to have a relationship with my mother and her family. I feel fortunate that I'm able to carry on that relationship, especially because I have kids and I think one of the most precious thing you can equip your children with are a "tribe" of their own. I can't help but feel guilty from time to time because of my mom not having the same privilege.

The memorial service kind of brought everything to a head. I haven't experienced being back in the Kingdom Hall since I was about 14 or so and to see my mom be in that so very uncomfortable environment surrounded by family that only speaks to her when forced to in situations such as these... it was just too much. I had a break down, during, after... ugh. Emotionally exhausting! This is why I hate religion. Be spiritual, believe in whatever Being you want to, but don't let some religion dictate who you can and can't love or have a relationship with. Isn't God supposed to all love? How in the world is removing your entire family an act of a loving God?

Other than that little episode, all is well. Jeremy and I are doing great and rolling with the punches. My kids are becoming so close to him and it makes my heart swell every time. I fell in love with Jeremy and they accepted him, but to witness Jeremy falling in love with them and, on their own time, them falling in love with him... it is indescribable.

And now, for a little music:

12. Hello Sunshine - Happy Endings


13. The Poet - Ryan Bingham


14. Funeral - Band of Horses


15. No One's Gonna Love You - Band of Horses


16. Helplessness Blues - Fleet Foxes


17. Let's Pretend - No-Fi Soul Rebellion


18. Hold On To What You Believe - Mumford and Sons


19. Dreaming of You - The Coral


20. Hey - Pixies


21. Low Rising - The Swell Season


22. The Big Guns - Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins


23. House of Gold - Breathe Owl Breathe

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. ~Benjamin Disraeli

God. Bless. Tax refunds.

I just filed our tax returns and talk about feeling Oprah rich for a minute. It's seriously going to help so insanely much and pretty much already spent but WHO CARES!! We'll have two cars again and no tickets and Jeremy can get new glasses and YAY!

I'm watching some show on 9/11 right now and Corbin's sitting with me talking about airplanes. It's weird to think that he'll only learn about 9/11 in school and he'll come home and ask me about it and wonder where I was or how it affected me.

On a completely different note, yesterday was Jeremy's birthday. I was in a horrible mood yesterday; not exactly sure why. It was one of those days where I just needed everyone to give me a pass on being grumpy for a sec and then I would've gotten over it. However, being as how it was Jeremy's birthday he did not want one second of grumpiness from anyone. Basically it was an afternoon/evening of bickering, apologizing for bickering, followed by some more bickering.

You know how there are people that say to never go to sleep angry? Yeah, that's great in theory, but I think in some cases calling it a night and sleeping on it can bring a much needed change of perspective on things. We're all better now so life is good.

Winter is Nature's way of saying: "Up yours."

I am so over winter it's not even funny. Today is the first day in almost a week that the temp is expected to get out of the teens. Over it! We had to break down and come stay at Jeremy's parents house the past two nights because our house was fuh-reezing and there's the whole pipes being frozen as well, which made for a less than fabulous time.

Good lord, I went to the house to get some clothes for the kids because they're spending the night with Matt's dad. Anyway, so our humble abode has no central heating (I know, 21st century and no central heating... What can ya do?) Thus far it hasn't been a problem, given that we live in Texas and all. Space heaters and blankets get the job done on chilly nights. Then Hell decided to freeze over and we haven't been home since Wednesday afternoon. This also means no space heaters have been going on. We now have a sink full of dishes encased in ICE due to our dripping faucet not doing their job of keeping water going and the pipes freezing so water froze. Our toilet has a big ol block of ice in there. I mean, seriously. Only my house would be capable of making it's own ICE. INDOORS!

This will all be worth it when we have our beautiful house in a couple of years and we will sit with the heater cranked up and a fire going and we'll laugh about the olden days in the shanty.

Reason #7 For Not Getting a Tattoo: People will know you are running your own life, instead of listening to them! -Sailor Jerry

I am reeeeeeeeeeeally wanting a new tattoo. Actually, I'm really wanting a lot of tattoos. I have a bunch of ideas and now I just need to come up with the funds, BOO! I want a dandelion on my foot/ankle, the treble clef/heart design from our wedding invites on the inside of my wrist, "bella vida" on the inside of my other wrist (to remind me that no matter how crazy and hectic everything is, my life really is beautiful), a gypsy woman, the quote "not all those who wander are lost"... perhaps on my upper right shoulder. I know for sure I need to get my bird tattoo touched up before the wedding because that thing is faded as can be. I need to find someone that does a kick ass job so that I can just go to the same person instead of changing artists every single time.

It is sleeting outside and supposed to snow through out the night with a windchill of -5 in the morning. I don't care what ECISD says, tomorrow is a snow day. I am SO ready to be done with stupid winter it's not even funny. I like snow when I'm on a mountain, staying in a resort. I do not like the snow when I'm in Odessa and people clean out the grocery stores like it's the Snowpocalypse. Ski towns know how to act when it snows; Odessa just comes to a stand still. 

Sunday we went over to my dad's and got A LOT of wedding stuff figured out. We changed where the actual ceremony is going to take place. I had wanted it under the willow trees, but it would take a lot of work to get the background ceremony ready. Now we're just doing it in the backyard under these two oak trees that kind of form an arch. It's cool though because those trees were grown from acorns that were by my grandpa (dad's dad) grave the day that he was buried. 

We went to a birthday party Saturday night and while I was there I got numbers for a hairdresser, baker, photographer and DJ. Very productive along with being a VERY fun night. We stayed the night over there in Elliott's son's room since we had imbibed in one or seven drinks. I woke up in the middle of the night and had NO idea where I was. I haven't had that feeling in a loooooong time. It's especially unsettling when you wake up on outer space sheets with a Nirvana poster over the bed. Kind of like What. The. Fuck. just happened. Ha.

Now I feel like I'm on top of this wedding planning or at least have some kind of direction so I'm much, much less overwhelmed. In 131 days I'm going to marry Jeremy. I can't believe it. I met him a year ago. I figured he was just going to be a dude to hang out with and holy shit, have my expectations been exceeded. I love that man!

Music is my religion. -Jimi Hendrix

So, there's this blog and I got the idea to make a "Life List" from it. I'm working up to 100 things and they can be found right over here on the right. I got a little lax on finding new music after I had the children folk and since music is something I've always been SO passionate about... that's NO good. I want to seek out music, stumble upon it, soak it in. Stuff with feeling, stuff that is shallow but puts a little pep in my step, stuff that just sounds awesome. I want a new song for every day of the year for a grand total of 365, obviously. Here's the beginning...

1. Jezebel - Iron and Wine


2. Hoppipolla - Sigur Ros


3. Chandeliers - Summer Fiction


4. Block After Block - Matt and Kim


5. All Summer - Kid Cudi ft. Rostam Batmanglij and Bethany Cosentino



6. As We Enter - Nas and Damian Marley



7. Brand New Colony - The Postal Service



8. In the Cold, Cold Night - The White Stripes



9. Jesus Christ - Brand New



10. Clementine - Washington



11. Comes and Goes - Greg Laswell



And that's enough new material for now. BUT, a song came on that I've been in love with for over a year and every time I hear it, it takes my breath away, if only for just a second.

Some people feel the rain, others just get wet. -Bob Marley

I am soooooooooo ready for us to be back to two cars. This dropping off, picking up every single family member all day long is driving me nuts! If I had errands to run, or was a kept woman and could just go shopping in between it wouldn't be as bad. Instead I drop off, back to house, drop off, back to house, pick up, back to the house, drop off, back to the house, pick up, back to the house, pick up, back to the house. I am a straight up taxi service.

While I'm on my mommy-talk kick, I know I have like 2 followers, but this has worked WONDERS for Corbin, so I had to give it a shout out for anyone who has eczema or has a kid with it. Corbin's eczema started flaring up when we moved to Midland in Jan 09 and while it is exponentially better than what it was back then, he still gets flare ups behind his legs and his ankles. We have used every. single. OTC for eczema or dry skin out there. Eucerin does fine for maintanence, but Cortizone 10 Intensive Healing Lotion for Eczema is magical. His legs can be HORRIBLE and if I put it on him at night, by the morning, they are soft and smooth and not bothering him at all.

In other news, I have finally done something wedding related, I got wedding invitations/RSVP cards designed and they will be paid for/ordered this weekend. They look a little something like below, except changes to color and text.

I had been looking for concert-poster style invites, but I couldn't find anything for a price that fit our dirt cheap budget. I looked on etsy and found this store, InvitingMoments, and am soooooo happy. I got 75 invites, RSVP postcards, envelopes and address labels for $135, which includes design fee and printing. Could not be happier. She was super duper fast with everything and had no trouble making all the changes I asked for.

On to other dirt cheap wedding business... I have found my dress. I've had it in mind for awhile, but I've kept perusing to see if that was what I really wanted because it was one of the first ones I looked at. I found it on ebay. That's right. I think with shipping and everything it should cost about $159. I'm taking a gamble here, by getting something I've never tried on, made for dirt cheap in Singapore, but I've read lots of reviews and everyone has been more than happy with their results. So now for the unveiling...

I am in love with it. Just need to get really started on the diet/workout so it'll be on point. It's custom made, so I'll be putting my order in April 1 and should get in early May, which will leave times for alterations and all that. So in a few months, everyone can either call me a dumbass or a genius depending on the outcome of this ebay dress adventure.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."


— Bob Marley

We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same. -Anne Frank

Ah the children folk... God love 'em!

I've stepped back from the freak out I was having with the stepmother-ing. I just get all overwhelmed and hit my limit and then I decompress and am ready for another dose of stress! Yay life.

So far this week has been full of hanging out with the kids. Ava is so her own little independent person. She's started on a kick with coming and telling me that I am the best mommy out of all the other mommies, which is an awesome compliment. She's definitely comfortable with Jeremy and has become much more affectionate with him. She's starting to read and is soaking up everything she learns in school. I can't believe that she's going to be starting big girl school in August.

Corbin is a busy dude. He's always putting things together or has some make believe play world going on where the inhabitants are all sorts of chatty. It makes me laugh that about a year ago, Matt and I were worried he had some form of autism because the boy wouldn't speak and now he talks ALL. THE. TIME. We got him a Hot Wheels track pack for Christmas and that thing keeps him entertained for hours. It's amazing. He's still a super affectionate Mama's boy and I'm not ready for that to go away so I'm soaking that up.

This weekend I'm going out to Daddy's so that I can get some help working on the wedding. I am like a shotgun blast as far as my planning goes. I have a lot of ideas but they are not in any kind of cohesive form. I need direction, dammit.

This weekend we went to a birthday party for one of Jeremy's nursing school classmate's daughter. It was quite the experience because we were the only white folks there. Everyone else was Egyptian, Iranian, Iraqi, Armenian, Pakistani, Afghanis. The girls were informed that they were the only kids who could only speak one language. Not many kids in West Texas get to experience that kind of diversity and if there's anything that I want my kids to learn, is that there are all different types of people in the world and that is something to be embraced.

There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings. ~Hodding Carter, Jr.

Parenting is hard.

Being a step parent is even harder.

When you have your kids you can parent them as you want, hopefully in a productive manner, and carry on. Normally, both the parents of the kid have each other backs. If you're divorced and lucky, which I am in this area, you both have the kids' best interests in mind so you still have each other's backs.

When you have step kids... WHOOOOOOOOOOLE different ball game.

My kids were a year and a half and 4 when Jeremy came along so they're pretty used to him telling them what to do. Ava butts her head from time to time, but for the most part, they seem him as just another person in their parenting world that handles all the same business as the other two.

Jeremy's girls were 6 and 8 when I came in the picture and a year later, I feel like I have less of a handle on it then I did back then. That's not to say that I'm not up to it or that I'm going to jump ship, I'm just somewhat frustrated. Jeremy had his way of parenting up until now, I had mine and they are very different.

It's an adjustment for everyone. How do you choose which parts to compromise on and which ones to stand firm? How do you parent your children and your step children equally without being a hypocrite to yours and sending your stepkids into a culture shock? How do you merge not only the parenting styles of yourself and your new partner and also your kids' other parents so that even if they are going from one house to the other you still manage to give them some semblance of continuity?

OY VEY!

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the girls don't have a set schedule as to when they will be here and when they won't, so there's no structure for them or for me. I know when my kids are going to be here and when it's coming up on Matt's weekend, I'm not going to lie, I look forward to it. I like having a little time to myself. I like knowing that every other weekend, I'm going to have a little break where I can rest and recharge and maybe have adult time so that I can be a better mom to my kids. I know there are moms who thrive on their time with their kids and whose world revolves around them. I LOVE my babies, they are amazing. I can't imagine my life without them, but I need a break from time to time. I need to know when I'm going to be taking care of two kids or four kids and for what duration of time. Not because I don't love having all four kids here, but because I need to get my mind right.

I just want to be a good mom and I feel like I'm backsliding in the step parent area.

When the race gets hard to run. It means you just can't take the pace. -Bob Marley

Oh. Em. Gee.

I am a COMPLETELY different woman now.

We went to the doctor yesterday and apparently I have severe gastritis and an infection of some sort or something. I got some hardcore antacids and some antibiotics and I swear this morning I woke up feeling waaaaaaaay closer to 27 than 87. I dropped Jeremy off at work at 545 and came to the house, did a load of laundry, watched some toons with the kids, got Ava off to school and took Corbin grocery shopping to Target and Wal Mart, cleaned out the refrigerator, put up all the groceries and did another load of laundry. BOOM! Captain Productivity is in the house.

Now I just need to drop off some SERIOUSLY overdue library books. My non confrontational self will be dropping them off in the bin and then seeing if I can get Jeremy to pay what we owe because there's nothing worse than an angry librarian. I also need to figure out what box I stuck Corbin's size 8 shoes in because he is DONE with 7s. I have no gauge for what the normal size is because Ava is miniature and she is just now fitting into clothes that are a normal size for her age.

I've been thinking about this trend in younger divorced couples with children where the relationships are almost more amicable post divorce than they were pre divorce. I know that my parents divorce was hooooooorrible and I don't think they've been in the same room since the day that the judge said it was a done deal (which makes my upcoming nuptials somewhat nerve wracking). Whereas, with both mine and Jeremy's situation, 99% of the time, things are very friendly. Joint birthday parties, sitting on the sidelines at soccer games together, stepping foot in each other's house. Matt's oddly in the loop as far as what's going on in my life and even in some of my friends' lives. It's weird, BUT I think it works to the benefit of the kids. My parents' divorce was insanely hard on me and it caused a huge rift in things for many years and still pops up from time to time. Ava and Corbin have never had to choose a side and I think they just are more excited about getting to have extra family.

But, baby, how we spoon like no one else. -You and I/Ingrid Michaelson

I'm going to be reeeeeeeeeeeal freakin' happy when my day consists of something more exciting than finding a neat website (http://mashupbreakdown.com/) because I have been stuck in bed all the days. To add to my general feeling of suck assness, I now am constantly nauseous, but hungry. I finally decided tonight that I'm going to be nauseous whether or not I eat, so I might as well make myself REALLY nauseous and eat because at least then I will not be worried about being nauseous and hungry.

Praise Baby Jesus Jeremy was able to get off work tomorrow and is taking me to the doctor. I have no problem going to doctor appointments once I'm in an established relationship, but I do NOT like going on that first visit... especially if it's a lady-parts doctor. There's a lot of personal business to be handing out to someone and THEN you have to pay for it. Ugh... Anyhow, had Jeremy not been able to accompany me, I probably would not have gone and remained miserable until he was able to take me. I'm such a baby.

I have to give Jeremy a bit of props for taking care of me and the kids this past week. I am extremely fortunate that I have someone that loves me and the kids so much and works hard to provide for us. Plus he makes my heart so very happy and I know that I can always count on him for anything... even if I suddenly decide I want food 5 minutes after he gets home.

Jeremy got to spend lots of quality time with the girls this weekend, due to my invalidness. They had a slumber party Friday night, which I took part of the first half. Ren is little Miss Social Butterfly and was texting all night long, which consisted of gossipping about one of the girls at school. Oh my goodness, there is a mini teenager living here, at the grand ol' age of 9. I am slightly disturbed by this. Ava is only 4 years behind and I'm not ready for her to be gossipping via text with one of her friends. It's already weird enough that she is in luuuuv with one of the little boys in her class.

Gah... our house is in shambles again. We finally got all the parts for our kitchen table and we rearragned our kitchen and I'm all disoriented when I walk into that part of the house. I was trying to find my Soul Pancake book and I could vividly remember just having seen it somewhere, but it was nowhere to be found... until I looked on top of the microwave. Well. Of course. Why wouldn't it be on the microwave?

What drains your soul? What recharges it?
Drainers:

• being sick
• money - or lack thereof
• lack of sleep/too much sleep
• being on the receiving end of tattling
• things breaking - me, the car, etc.
• comparing myself to others - you know, getting hung up on thinking that so and so is doing so and so and why am I not doing so and so
• dirtiness/clutter

Rechargers:

• hearing/seeing the kids playing together
• random "I love yous"
• full tank of gas and full kitchen of groceries/no clothes in the laundry
• getting to sleep in and waking up at a half way decent hour and feeling rested, or if I have to be woken up, getting woken up by a happy baby saying "Hi Mommy"
• going out of town
• laughing
• spending time with Jeremy/Erin/family/friends

List 5 questions you hate not having an answer to:

1. Is there a God and what exactly is he/she/it?
2. Will I ever get that degree/dream job that I want?
3. What happens when you die, and does it allow me to meet Jimi Hendrix, Bob Marley, Tupac, Jim Morrison and Stevie Ray Vaughan?
4. What the fuck is wrong with me? (at the present moment, I'm talking physically, but on other days, that can pertain to mental/emotional state)
5. What do I need to be reading/listening to/watching? (I feel like I'm out of the loop on good tunes/books/movies and so desperately want to educate myself.)

And now a song:

Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have been completely worthless since Sunday night. I'm 99% sure that I have some kicking endometriosis going on and it is causing my life to be less than pleasant. I feel like I've been in labor for DAYS and it is no good for me.


However, it is working wonders for my diet. Partly because I'm not hungry and partly because I needed to go grocery shopping last Thursday and never went so even if I was hungry, the cupboards are bare.

Jeremy's been a wonderful caretaker and has pretty much taken care of the kids since I've been out of commission. The house is in complete shambles, but since I'm alive and kicking, I guess I'll tackle that.

Brooke is coming over tonight for wedding planning!!!! I think that any final decisions as to what I like are going to be posted here; that way I can keep up with what's been figured out and what hasn't.

No working out thus far... Think that will start next week, but I haven't had one cup of coffee and I've had less than one whole can of coke since Sunday.
 
Okay after that mundane-ness, now we move onto more pressing questions from Soul Pancake:
How do you reconcile discrepancies between reason and faith?
Ha. I don't. I think this is the reason that I'm having such a hard time finding my faith. I can't just take things at face value, I have to delve deeper. I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing, but when it comes to trying to put reason behind something that I can't see, hear, touch, small or taste... it gets to be impossible. I have faith in the people I love. I know Jeremy will always be true to me and always love me just the way I am. I know that he will always tell me the truth (just as long as I ask him). I know that my kids will always love me, but they will have times that they won't like me. I know this because this is how I'm raising them. I know Erin will always just be a phone call away. I can't say that I have faith in a higher being to lead me out of hardship or that will welcome me with open arms into the afterlife. Hell, I don't even know if I believe in an afterlife. I think to have faith, you have to put a certain bit of reason aside and I'm just not there yet.
 
What is the interplay between fate and free will?
I am a firm believer in free will. Fate... not so much. I think I believe more in the power of impeccable timing. Take Jeremy and I for instance. We met each other at my dad's retirment party June 09. I have no recollection of us meeting, but he is insistent that we did. He was still with Brandy and I was in looooooooooooooove with Ben. If one of us were single at that time, it wouldn't have made a difference. If both of us were single at that time, I still don't think it would've made a difference. I wasn't at the place I needed to be for a serious relationship (though I thought I was with Ben). Then, we both got single around the same time and were introduced and the rest was history. Impeccable timing, not fate. I think that everybody has the opportunities to have their "dreams come true" but sometimes it comes at a time or a form that we're less than thrilled with because they're not what we imagined.
 
How do thoughts affect reality?
HUGELY! I believe you can think yourself happy and magically, your life is filled with nothing but sunshine and rainbows. If so inclined, you can think yourself into despair and your life is one big huge tragedy. Thinking that I could keep my marriage together and that things would get better kept me married for far far longer than it should've. It's easy to be overwhelmed by things that get thrown at you, but if you don't let them consume you and deal with what you can, when you can... things get A LOT easier.

A moment, a love / a dream, aloud / a kiss, a cry / our rights, our wrongs - Sweet Disposition/Temper Trap

School starts tomorrow and I'm feeling quite torn about it. I'll miss lounging around with the kids, but I won't miss being at 2, sometimes 4, little folks' beck and call. I'll miss not having to rush out of the house in the morning, but I am ever so happy that the lovely children are going to be back in school.

One of my Christmas presents that I asked for was a book called "Soul Pancake" by Rainn Wilson (the guy who plays Dwight on The Office). It "urges you to explore philosophy, creativity, spirituality, love, truth, science and so much more", apparently. I've been reading a lot about religions lately. I think because I'm trying to figure out what my stance is on religion/spirituality/God/Flying Spaghetti Monster/whatever. My childhood was spent being a Jehovah's Witness and my mom's side, minus my mom, is still practicing. I did the whole Baptist thing in high school. Had a sudden "spiritual awakening" whenever Matt's mom died and kindda sorta did the church thing because I felt I needed to find Jesus since I had a kid and one on the way.

Since splitting from Matt, I have been less than moved to find Jesus... I guess if I had to classify myself at this point in time, I would say I was agnostic. It's not that I don't want to believe in something, I just don't know what's true and what's not... if there is anything that is exactly true. There just seems to be a lot of picking and choosing and how do you know which one has picked and chosen the exact right combination.

Meh... anyway, you're supposed to ponder on "life's big questions" in this Soul Pancake book, so I figured that I might as well get it all in writing because sometimes I don't think you really know how you feel until you try and verbalize it.

So onto question #1:
How do you determine truth?
For the simple things in life, I rely on Google. The bigger questions get a little bit more complicated. I used to just go for what I was told. The older I become, the more inquisitive I am. I like to make an informed opinion and it may change the next day, but at least I feel like I'm trying to educate myself instead of just being spoon fed information. Other things, I think it just comes down to how you feel in your heart, your gut.

Funny thing when it comes to truth, even though Matt and I are divorced, I spent so much time figuring out when he was lying that I can still call his bullshit over a phone call. I sometimes think I should be a private detective.

Don't let the man get you down. -Empire Records

So it's a whole new year, some are saying its a whole new decade, but I think that's up for debate. Kind of a tomato/tomato thing.

Ive been wanting to start writing again, but i like clean beginnings and decided that new years day was the day I was going to start.

Life is good. As a line from one of my recent favorite songs goes, "we may not have any money/but we've got our love to pay the bills." Christmas with four kids is riiiiiidiculous, but completely worth it. Overall, I can't complain. I love our little house and the kids and of course Jeremy. There are things that if I could wave my magic wand, I would change (ahem, new transmission for the suburban) but, I think that's life.

No Jan 1 post is complete without a little new years resolution action, so here goes:

1. Get healthy. I'm not going to put my normal "lose xx pounds" because that's not really indicative of being healthy. I'm talking about working out, being active, at least 5 times a week. Eating better! Less fast food, less convenience food, less red meat, more fresh veggies/fruits, less cokes and more water!

2. Better handling of money. We have the wedding coming up and eventually I would reeeeeaaaally like to buy our own house so we need to get a handle on our debt and start saving!

3. Pay off my stupid tickets so as to not go to the pokey and be able to replace my long lost license.

4. Be patient; with the kids, Jeremy, life. Most of the time that I feel harried and feel like the kids are dragging ass is because I'm not allotting enough time. Plus, I just need to chill every once in awhile.

5. Organization! I've been working on this a bit already, but I definitely want to keep it up.

6. I would really like to start taking some classes to fill in the gaps in my missing basics through OC. I need to get in touch with tech and see what needs to get done.

7. More experiences with the kids. Were slightly limited as far as "adventures" go, due to being down to one car and our limited income, but I want to start doing more stuff with the kids. The internets is bound to have something to inspire my cheap adventure seeking self!

8. Plan my freaking wedding!!!!

9. Keep up with writing. I got overwhelmed a lot last year and I think if I use this as an outlet, it'll really help out and maybe keep me from having to get a prescription of Xanax.

10. Read more! Anything and everything, but I think focusing on non fiction is a good start.

There we go. A nice even 10.

Shit. I came up with another one, but that's okay. 11 for 2011

11. Be more social. I have turned into a hermit. I need to keep in better contact with friends and make more of an effort to see them, live and in person.