I can handle a lot, But one thing I'm missing is in your eyes. - Eyes/Rogue Waves

Mr Man and I are no mas.

I'm saddened.

I wrote an email basically calling him out on his MIA-ness in a very well worded, non dramatic way.

He responded, acknowledging his asshole-y, douche baggy behavior and said, "Apparently I am horrible at relationships, prioritizing, and caring about anyone other myself... You are a truly awesome girls and deserve more that I can give." Which when it all comes down is basically, "It's not you... it's me."

I let myself have real feelings for him AND on top of that, got attached to his kids.

And now... I'm sick (kidney stone, kidney infection) and single.

This is probably what I need to do. Be single, not sick.

But it SUCKS.

And let's be honest here... the soon to be dry spell I'm about to hit is not going to be any ball park either.

The only dude that is showing remote interest me is my ex husband.

My prospects are non existent being as how all the guys I associate with are of the homosexual persuasion.

Which, in a slightly related note, I have promised one of my eggs to a beautiful bisexual Puerto Rican should he not have children by 35 because he is convinced we would have the most beautiful babies ever.

Dear Lord, what has my life become?

Put down your sword and crown / Come lay with me on the ground - Moth's Wings / Passion Pit

Oh life... you are one confusing mother.

Things with Mr Man are... complicated? I got so used to spending so much time with him over the Christmas holidays, which I should've known wasn't going to be par for the course. I didn't have the kids, I didn't have school, the oil field pretty much shuts down...

Anyhow, January rolled around and life got back to normal and I've seen Mr Man twice since the Monday after New Year's. Once for about an hour on a Monday night, then last weekend when we went to the rodeo with my dad and step mom and C.

I talked to him about it... it's not that he's checking out, he's just got a lot of shit to do. He's kind of a big deal at the office and that means that people depend on him, which equals lots of pressure. In theory, I understand all that. And I've tried to stop being the needy girl, but it's getting a little bit old. Especially when I don't know if I'll see him this weekend since I have the kids... (he tends to be scarce during my weekends with my kids... even though I hang out with him no prob when he has his kids), he's supposed to go to Houston for some marketing conference thing next weekend and then I'm going to Ft Stockton the weekend after that... so yeah... that's three weekends without anything?

I understand he's busy. I understand he has work commitments. I just want him to think enough of me that he sets aside time for me because he wants to. I don't want to just be the excess baggage that gets thrown to the side whenever work and his kids start taking up more of his free time. I don't want to be the backburner girl... I want to be a priority. I don't need him to drop everything for me, but... shit...

I feel like I'm letting him have the best of both worlds. He gets to go about his business without worrying about me, but at the same time knows that if he were to text me today and ask to come over tonight, I'd say yes... no problem. Personally, I think I deserve more than that.

Then... there's M. Oh M. He wants another chance so badly I can taste it. After being out in the dating world for about a year, I'm starting to wonder if that isn't such a bad idea after all. Honestly, if M moved down here and finished school/got a job (preferably both) and got his mental shit straightened out... I think things could actually work. Maybe... I dunno.

Maybe I'm just so jaded on the dating scene that I'm going back to my safety. I know M loves me more than anything in the world and that at one point in time I felt the same, so how hard could it be to get back to that point?

GAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

I think I just need to quit the dating thing for awhile and concentrate on the kids and I. I really haven't been single this whole past year and perhaps I need to figure out what I really want/need instead of just jumping from guy to guy.

I also think M needs to go out and experience different relationships before he just decides I'm the shit. It would devastate me if we did wind up getting back together (which is a far far far cry from actually happening) and then 15 years down the road he's like Oh wow... there's other women out there.

I also probably need my period to just go ahead and start because these hormones are a-ragin' and they are making me slightly emotional/crazy.