There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. -Anaïs Nin

When I was with Matt I got severely depressed twice. I had horrible postpartum depression after Ava and after finally going to the doctor and being put on Lexapro, I was able to be back to my old self, non-medicated, within 6 months. A few months after Matt got back from Iraq, I found myself in my bad place again and went through the same routine with the Lexapro and was off it and back to normal within 6 months again.

I was depressed because I wasn't happy (obviously) with myself, Matt, our marriage, our future... everything. I lost a lot of what I loved about myself in the process and it wasn't until I took myself out of the situation that I got back that person that I was so proud of.

I find myself teetering on the very far perimeter of the beginning of that bad place and I want to nip it in the bud. It's not Jeremy or our relationship or future. If anything, Jeremy is my calm place. I seek refuge in him and know that he is always going to be my safe place. I think the cause this time is because I'm not sure of me right now.

My life consists of taking care of my family and in the process I feel like my family is defining me. I am so lucky to have these people in my family. I'm lucky that I was blessed enough to have such amazingly wonderful kids, that Jeremy chose to have all three of us in his life and that his girls have accepted us as well. I think what I'm struggling with right now. I know what an intelligent, creative, multi dimensional person I am, but I am having SUCH a hard time figuring out how to portray that internally and externally.

I love being able to stay home with the kids, but I want a career. When people ask, "What do you do?" I want to be able to respond with something other than, "Oh I stay at home with the kids." Not to knock stay at home moms AT. ALL. I respect the Hell out of anyone that does it because I know first hand that it is harder than any job out there. I just think that there is something different out there. I mean, shit, even if I could just get a hobby other than "listening to music, hanging out with friends", I'd be happy.

I'm just bored with myself, definitely not my life, just myself. I bored with my wardrobe, my hair... I can only continue to get so many tattoos to change things up. I just don't know what I want to do. I would ideally like to stay mostly at home until Corbin starts kindergarten. I definitely know that I won't be pursuing anything until after this summer because trying to arrange for childcare for four children over the summer is just ridiculous. I wouldn't be opposed to doing something part time, whether it be work/school, once the school year started since Ava will be in school all day. It wouldn't hurt for Corbin to hang out with some peeps his age for a bit too.

I'd been throwing around finishing up my degree and getting my Master's so I could be a counselor in schools, but being a newly graduated educator in Texas is a baaaaaaaaaaaad place to be right now financially. I'm sure that once I was done with school and looking for a job, things will turn around (hopefully), but I can't imagine spending all that time and money and not being able to do what I wanted with it.

I need a guidance counselor to give me an aptitude test that takes into consideration all the other things I'm juggling that need to remain a priority in my life. For right now, I'm getting a gym membership so that for an hour or two I have time to myself. I can use that time to improve myself physically, but also to just think about stuff, release some stress. Plus, there's childcare so the kids can have a break too and it'll ease Corbin into being away from me.

You're the only reason I keep on coming home. -Sweet Pea/Amos Lee

What it do, Internets?

Today is my best friend's son's 5th birthday. He was born exactly 5 months after Ava and was also a little bitty premie, that has turned into a great big moose of a boy. I think I'm more nostalgic-y about his birthday than I was Ava's. When did our babies get so big?

I've decided to start "smart" grocery shopping. We spend a ridiculous amount of money on eating out and our grocery bill is astronomical when we do an actual full fledged stocking up trip. I spent a couple hours scouring the ads and finding some coupons for stuff we need. I don't think I'm quite to the point where I'm going to do that crazy extreme couponing business, but if we can save some money and have food here that the kids will actually eat... that'll be awesome.

The suits for both of my boys are in. I can't wait to see them all dressed up in their man attire.

My dress is still in China somewhere, hopefully being manufactured into something that is going to knock everyone's socks off. REALLY trying not to get my expectations too high. I did, however, order a dress for our engagement pictures from Modcloth where I want all of my clothes to come from so I can be the indie/wanna be hipster that I see myself as but totally don't look.

And now for some music...

34. Acid Tongue - Jenny Lewis


35. My Boy Builds Coffins - Florence and the Machine


36. Sweet Pea - Amos Lee


37. Shake Me Down - Cage the Elephant


38. Can't Help Falling In Love - Ingrid Michaelson


39. One Day - Sharon Van Etten


40. No Strings - Mayer Hawthorne


41. The Truth - Alexander


42. Rolling Sea - Vetiver





The perfect tattoo... the one I believe we are all struggling toward... is the one that turned the jackass into a zebra. -Cliff Raven

Somebody got a tattoo!

I got the one on my left shoulder basically redone because the guy who did it originally SUCKED ASS. It looks soooooooo much better. It's three little birds because I used to sign Three Little Birds to Ava and Corbin when they were babies. Ava's the purple bird, Corbin's the green one and I'm the red one.

The one on my left is a line from Forever Young by Bob Dylan (which is going to be my father/daughter dance), "May your heart always be joyful and may your song always be sung." He put some jasmine flowers in the filigree since my name comes from Jasmine. I LOVE IT. The lines are super crisp and as far as tattoos go it wasn't painful at all. Louis the Tattooist at Blue Collar Art rocks the freakin' house. I'm so glad I found someone that does good work.

I have the end of Spring Break blues. I'm getting my babies back today which I'm so excited about, but my goodness it's been nice having some time to myself.

34. We No Speak Americano - Yolanda Be Cool Vrs DCup

35. My Chick Bad - Ludacris Ft Nicki Minaj

36. S&M - Rihanna

I guess every superhero need his theme music. -Power/Kanye West

I am over wedding planning. OVER IT! I decided to look up music instead. Yay music.

31. Power - Kanye West



32. What I Have Left - Mike Bones



33. Me Vale - Mana (Jeremy's mom's Lexus has the radio controls on the steering wheel, which led to me changing the radio station every .2 seconds and this was on one of the 8903890 Spanish stations. I had to Shazam it because I couldn't figure out if it was in English or not)

You don't marry someone you can live with, you marry the person who you cannot live without.

I didn't want to be one of those brides that gets in a wedding daze and can talk about nothing else. I believe I've done a fairly decent job at it. However, we are now under the 3 month mark and I am overcome with wedding business. How much have we spent? How much more do we have to spend? How many rows of chairs should we have? What kind of Spanx should I get? Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

The following will probably not interest anyone but myself, but I gotta line this stuff out for my benefit so that I can either slap myself upside the head or congratulate myself for money spent/saved.

The original plan was to spend less than $5000 since Jeremy and I are paying 95% of this ourselves. Let's see where we stand:

Venue: Free.99 Ceremony and reception will be at my Pop's house

Dress: $138 Thank you eBay. The dress should arrive in the middle of April. We shall see if this was a good investment. I'm putting aside $200-300 for alterations for Jeremy's suits and all our dresses, if need be.

Girls' dresses: $113 total for three dresses from Pink Marie  I actually found them on ebay.

Photographer: $1100 Meg Perkins Photography Our package consists of an engagement session, copyright to 10-20 images on CD, 5x5 press book of shoot, 11x14 stretched canvas, ceremony, 1 hour after ceremony, 3 hours of reception, copyright to ALL pictures taken, 10x10 coffee table book

Hair: TBD, though I was quoted less than $300 for myself and the three girls by a friend of a friend

Suits: $200 total for Corbin's and Jeremy's. I found Corbin's on ebay and Jeremy found his on Men's USA. We tested out suit jackets at Burlington so we knew what size to get. We shall see on this as well.

Guys' accessories: $45 total for Corbin and Jeremy's shirts, still need to get belts and Jeremy's bound and determined to get some purple and orange argyle socks.

Shoes: $390; 2 pairs of custom Vans for Jeremy and Corbin, 4 pairs of custom Converse for the girls and I

Hairpieces/boutonnieres: Between $130-$200 from Skull Kandy; 4 custom fascinators for myself and the girls and 2-4 custom boutonnieres for Corbin and Jeremy (maybe for Josh and Daddy as well)

Flowers: $150; I'm ordering flowers in bulk from Sam's; I need to order my bouquet from a florist which will be made up of calla lillies

Decorations: So far we're under $100 for paper lanterns from Just Artifacts  I still have to buy tablecloths and runners. For the centerpieces I'll be using painted wine bottles as vases, kind of like this:

I'm going to do more muted colors, maybe metallic/pearlized. I'll put them on mirror tiles, maybe, and have some tea lights beside them, maybe.

Invitations: $130 from Inviting Moments which I can not recommend enough. She ROCKS. HARD.

Rings: $116. Jeremy got his from Kay's (I think that's the one) and I'll just be using my engagement ring as my wedding ring. I may eventually get a small band to wear should we ever plan on being somewhere that my finger will be at risk of being cut off for my diamond.

DJ: Free.99  We had a guy and then he had to cancel, so my uncle who used to DJ stepped in and is doing this fo' free. Y.A.Y.

Cake: $150 tops. I want a cupcake cake. I got a quote of over $300 JUST for the cupcakes. That's not putting it together or delivering it or anything. This right here is my inspiration:

We found hat boxes in that same print and Jeremy's mom and sister have so graciously offered to make the cupcakes. Huzzah.

Food: Not a clue. A good family friend does catering and we need to pin down the money on this one.

Alcohol: Not a clue. We're doing beer and wine. Jeremy is dead set on having "good" beer which I think is fine and dandy if you're sitting around your house drinking beer, but providing kegs of Red Stripe for people who are more than likely going to get drizzy drunk is just ridiculous, but whatever...

Officiant: $20 We were originally going to have my brother in law/Jeremy's best friend marry us, but he was having major anxiety over it, so one of Jeremy's good friends is doing it instead. We got him ordained with the Universal Life Church and went ahead and sprung for the wallet identification card so he can tell everyone he's official and shit.

Chairs/Table Rental: $232 from Russell Rentals for chairs and tables for 125-150.

I'm getting a membership to the Y as a last ditch effort to not have back fat and a 1 month tanning membership because if there is back fat, at least it will be tan. That'll be another $100 or so.

We're around $3500 right now so I'm actually feeling quite well about things. I have spent HOURS looking online for good deals and I will be SO proud if things turn out the way I have envisioned them. I know I have minimal readers, but if you stumble upon this, my biggest tip is that if you have the time and you're on a budget RESEARCH! Wedding's can get so expensive because of the little random stuff and that seems to be the easiest place to save. We took a huge gamble on the clothing since everything has been bought sight unseen and I pray it pays off. I think the less caught up you get in the fairy tale and realize that it is just one day, the easier it is to plan.

Thought I'd never see the love you found in me. Walking On A Dream/Empire of the Sun

Jerm and I had a date night last night and part of it consisted of seeing Hall Pass which had some awesome music in it. I'd expound on date night, but I'm still recuperating from it, so instead you get music. Ta Da.

24. Art Isn't Real - Deer Tick



25. Psychic City - YACHT



26. When They Fight, They Fight - The Generationals



27. Walking On A Dream - Empire Of the Sun



28. Tighten Up - The Black Keys



29. Everywhere I Go - Lissie



30. Quiet Little Voices- We Were Promised Jet Packs

It is much easier to become a father than to be one. -Kent Nerburn

I hate when I get to the point where I just want my kids to go to their dad ASAP. It makes me feel like a horrible mother and I'm not.

My kids have a father. They have a father that they love very much and think that he absolutely rules the world.

I bring down the fevers and get milk in the middle of the night and sleep in a cramped fetal position because they make their way to my bed and I'm too tired to turn them away. I do homework, I read stories, I do hair, I put together outfits, I fix boo-boos. I give hugs and kisses, I sing songs, I drive them here and there. I take them to see family. I'm there 24/7. Yet, their dad is the rock star.

I get it. Does it piss me off from time to time? Yes, but I get it. They see him every other weekend. They see me day in and day out. They're with him long enough to have fun, but not long enough to get in any real trouble or for the novelty of being with their dad to wear off. Of course he's going to be the "fun" parent.

What pisses me off is that he consistently lets them down. He says he'll be here on Friday and then suddenly he's too tired/stressed/whatever to get them, can he get them tomorrow? I'm the one that has to break it to them. All. The. Time. I have to watch them at the window waiting for their dad who inevitably doesn't show up. I'm the one they have to settle with.

I'm tired. I'm stressed. Somehow I still manage to take care of my children and love them fiercely.

I'm not one of those vindictive exes that wants to keep the kids all to myself. I want them to have a relationship with their dad. If he lived here, I would split the time 50/50 with him, but he refuses to move closer despite the fact that there's NOTHING for him where he is now.

I am thankful that we have Jeremy in our life because he gives the kids a stable father figure, but I'm also sad that my kids can't rely on their biological dad for that. I feel like he's going to break Ava's heart one day and I just don't think that a girl's first heartbreak should come from her father.

May your heart always be joyful and may your song always be sung. -Forever Young/Bob Dylan

Man I do not want to look at the bank account right now.

I ordered Jeremy and Corbin's custom Vans and the girls' and mine custom Converse shoes for the wedding, my wedding dress, Corbin's suit and the girls' dresses today. Tomorrow I have to get a cashier's check for the photographer and then I believe I will take a break from wedding purchases for a bit. I'm gonna have to pay for all this stuff either way, but it's less painful when the expenses are spaced out a bit.

We're finally back in our house. We've been back about a week, so that's nice. Jeremy's parents were more than hospitable, but if the kids go wild over here, the only people that they're bothering is me and that's par for the course.

So, my great granny died last week. While it's sad when anyone dies, she was 95 and definitely lived a full life and from what I can tell from when we went and visited her last time, she was ready. I went down to visit with family, which I was planning before she passed away since my aunt and uncle were going to be in town. It was nice seeing everyone and Ava and Corbin getting to spend time with them, but I wasn't quite prepared for the emotional toll that the memorial service would have on me. My mom's side of the family are Jehovah's Witnesses, my mom is currently disfellowshipped. She's basically cut off from all of her family. Since I was never baptized, I get to have a relationship with my mother and her family. I feel fortunate that I'm able to carry on that relationship, especially because I have kids and I think one of the most precious thing you can equip your children with are a "tribe" of their own. I can't help but feel guilty from time to time because of my mom not having the same privilege.

The memorial service kind of brought everything to a head. I haven't experienced being back in the Kingdom Hall since I was about 14 or so and to see my mom be in that so very uncomfortable environment surrounded by family that only speaks to her when forced to in situations such as these... it was just too much. I had a break down, during, after... ugh. Emotionally exhausting! This is why I hate religion. Be spiritual, believe in whatever Being you want to, but don't let some religion dictate who you can and can't love or have a relationship with. Isn't God supposed to all love? How in the world is removing your entire family an act of a loving God?

Other than that little episode, all is well. Jeremy and I are doing great and rolling with the punches. My kids are becoming so close to him and it makes my heart swell every time. I fell in love with Jeremy and they accepted him, but to witness Jeremy falling in love with them and, on their own time, them falling in love with him... it is indescribable.

And now, for a little music:

12. Hello Sunshine - Happy Endings


13. The Poet - Ryan Bingham


14. Funeral - Band of Horses


15. No One's Gonna Love You - Band of Horses


16. Helplessness Blues - Fleet Foxes


17. Let's Pretend - No-Fi Soul Rebellion


18. Hold On To What You Believe - Mumford and Sons


19. Dreaming of You - The Coral


20. Hey - Pixies


21. Low Rising - The Swell Season


22. The Big Guns - Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins


23. House of Gold - Breathe Owl Breathe