"Oh, you know what? Next week's no good for me... The Jonas Brothers are in town. But any week after that, it's totally fine." -The Hangover

I may have possibly illegally watched The Hangover at school today because I'm so far ahead and we were so insanely slow that I had nothing better to do. That movie was so fucking hilarious. It made me want to be a man so that I could go to Las Vegas and act a complete fool with my two best friends and my retarded future brother in law in tow.

BB gets to spend the whole weekend down here. I keep trying not to completely plan on that because he's getting done earlier than he thought so in my mind there's a possibility that he may decide to head back to SA and get his kids. He told me he's just going to get them next weekend, but for some reason I just have it in my head that this weekend isn't going to pan out.

For some reason when it comes to BB, I get so girly (in the not positive way). I keep it on the DL when I'm actually with/talking to him, but I get in these needy moods where if he's not 110% all about me I turn into a Grumpalumpagus. I went from one extreme to the other in my past two relationships. M was completely inattentive... couldn't give two shits about how my day was and Lord knows he wasn't interested in telling me about his (at least the truth about his days... he was more than happy to BS me). Crazy D was OVERLY attentive. BB falls pretty much right in the middle, but with him, the physical attention isn't always there, obviously, since he lives so freakin' far away. I'm not talking just about sex (though the distance enforced dry spells suck ASS). I'm talking about the little looks, kisses on the forehead, hands on the small of your back as they walk by... those things. I am a very expressive person... I can show you exactly how I feel as I tell you exactly how I feel. Most men can't really tell you how they feel so when you can't see it... it sucks.

Blah.

Anyway, now that I vented all that I feel much better. I'm just being a silly girl.

My dad is coming into the salon tomorrow and I'm giving him a haircut and his first pedicure. It's weird how for 9 years we didn't see each other and now, suddenly, we have this relationship. We make plans to see each other. I feel very comfortable with him... it's still freakin' weird.

But you can wait a lifetime and I'd still be lovin' you. -Kyle Bennett Band

My mood has vastly improved since Thursday. Hooray!

BB came in town Friday, even though he still felt pretty crappy. I tried to put on my happy voice when he told me that he didn't think he was going to be able to come down on Friday, but I kind of suck at masking my true feelings so he decided to man up and drive down anyway.'

I was walking on air... marvelous!

Took him to the salon and halfway did a good ol bald fade on him. I kept getting scared and had to get Adrian to come help me with the clippers. I so did not want to jack up his hair. Fortunately, I did a pretty good job so all is well.

He met the kids and A was absolutely smitten with him. BB rough houses all the time with his daughter and she's completely used to it. My little A though... she's kind of a delicate flower so BB was playing around with her like he does his daughter and A winds up crying because her arm hurt. BB felt HOOOOOOOORRIBLE. He was doing everything in the world to appease her... didn't change A being completely smitten with him so that's good. C was just happy to be wandering around messing with random crap as per usual, so all in all the first encounter was a good one.

BB met Mama and they gave each other shit back and forth all freaking night long. Mama said that he was far more entertaining than my past loves and had a whole lot of personality which was a good thing... so far so good!

BB and I had Mexican food for dinner which was a huge mistake because his stomach was not having any of it, so I got to play nurse all night. I really actually loved doing it. I've missed taking care of a significant other when they need me. M liked to suffer in solitude... BB is very much open to being taken care of and I like that a lot. I think that shows a lot about how people handle obstacles in other areas rather than health. If someone is willing to let you take care of them when they're sick and vulnerable and want you to be with them, I think that they will want you around when they're having other problems and want to take on things together instead of by themselves. I dunno... just my personal opinion.

Anyway, BB was feeling better by Saturday morning after I got back from my run and what not. We did lunch with Mama and went to this hole in the wall dive for a few beers and a game of shuffleboard. Absolute blast! Mama and BB just were complete smart asses to each other which is totally how to win them both over. I loved that they got along so well.

BB had to report for duty for this juvenile boot camp thing at 7, so I rode down with him, got checked into the hotel and hung out while he did his little meeting. The dry streak finally got broken afterwards! Then there was swimming and dinner. Our entertainment for the evening was listening to music in the room, while drinking Bud Lite and playing Hang Man when I wasn't somehow grooming him. It was the most uneventful night, but we both had a complete blast... just telling random stories and singing along to songs and talking about all sorts of stuff. I laugh so much with him and the second that we're together after we've been apart... it feels like we've never been seperated.

I am so ready to start our life together, but I am thankful for this time that we have to really get to know each other and make sure that this is right. Every time I see him, my feelings are reconfirmed.

He was supposed to have the early morning shift, so I was just going to ride back with him after he got off today but the schedule got changed up so I drove his truck back and head back on Friday to get him so that he can spend the whole weekend with me again! Hooray!

"We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.” -Calvin and Hobbes

I'm in a shitty mood and I'm trying to unfunkify my day.

Not going so well.

I've spent 75% of this week trying not to vomit due to some unknown bug that I caught from who knows where.

BB was supposed to come in today, but apparently he managed to contract the same bug I had. Today's appearance is a no go. More than likely, I'll see him tomorrow so I should just suck it up. I just haven't seen him in almost three weeks and I got used to seeing him every week there for a bit. I miss his ass.

This is why I don't like expectations. I tried this whole optimistic business but goodness gracious, I hate getting disappointed. I'd rather plan on not seeing him again until I move up there (if I move up there) in January. Then everytime I saw him in between now and then would just be a welcome surprise. Kind of a defeatist attitude, but whatever.

Then M had to be an ass and bring up what a shit move it was me moving the kids' furniture out of the house MONTHS ago. Okay, yeah that sucks that the kids' don't have their furniture up in Lubbock anymore, but myself or my mom purchased all their furniture, he let the kids' rooms stay trashed and I'm not going to let their stuff be ruined. It just pisses me off that the one outright semi-shitty thing that I did in our whole marriage has to be brung up continuously.

Nevermind the dozens of days/nights that he stayed out drinking and came home belligerantly drunk while I had to put the kids to bed and get them up without his help... nevermind the horrible things he told me... nevermind the fact that when I told him that all I needed from him to make me stay was to at least act like he gave a shit and he couldn't do that. I don't throw that in his face.

As far as I'm concerned, the day that I filed for divorce, the past was the past. I want what's best for him and I want him to get better. I don't want to run him into the ground by constantly bringing up his failures...

Maybe it makes him feel better because I'm actually on track to doing something with my life and I'm handling my business while he's sitting in the house doing absolutely NOTHING.

I think my iTunes is on a conspiracy to try and make my mood suck worse because it's picking some really depressing songs to listen to.

Damn the man, yo.

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

Last night, I was laying in bed, A was cuddled up next to me and I could hear C squirming in his sleep. I found myself wondering how in the world I ever got so lucky. Here I am, sharing a room with my two kids in my mother's house. I have not a cent to my name, I'm in the middle of a divorce with a boyfriend living 5 hours away... yet I still feel like I am so insanely blessed.

Even when M and I had money in the bank and all the little pieces of the puzzle seemed like they were fitting together I never remember feeling this content. I never remember stopping and just taking a survey of my life and feeling utterly satisfied with it.

M is in need of a lot of help. I'm dreading this little family conference, especially because I know it's going to break his dad's heart. You know, I'm probably going to be blamed for not bringing every detail to light, but whatever... put all the blame on me if it will get M some help.

I want to help him, but I'm still pissed off that I still have to take care of his ass. Feels like all I've done for the majority of the last 4 years is take care of his ass or cover his ass.

BB comes down this weekend and he is pumped to meet the kids. I am elated. I know I'm going to fall in love with him all over again when I see him with my kids. He is such a good dad to his own, I know that he'll be good to my babies.

"There's always been a bigger plan, but I don't need to understand." -Gary Allan

Last night took a much unexpected turn for me. M for some reason couldn't get down here to get the kids until late so I dropped them off with his brother at his dad's house. N, his brother, asked about M's drinking. I told him that yes, M was definitely a drinker (pretty sure a full blown alcoholic) and that was a driving force behind our seperation. This proceeded to turn into a 2 hour conversation about exactly how far off M has fallen. N was devastated and pissed, oh my goodness was he mad. He was around M for less than three days and realized there was a problem and M's dad and grandmother have seen this going on for much, much longer and are just in serious denial. Anyway, looks like he's beseeching me for my help in one last effort to help M.

There's not a snowball's chance in Hell of M and I reconciling, but I feel like M is getting closer and closer to losing what little bit of chance of success he has left and once he loses that, I know he will give up and the odds of him making a horrible decision that will ultimately take him out of his own children's lives will grow exponentially. It would devastate me if my children didn't have their father in their lives because he was too God damn stubborn and prideful to admit that he needs help and that he needs to readjust his hopes and dreams and plans.

Onto a lighter subject, did my mom's hair yesterday... it came out awesome. Love it. Love what I do.

Going with her and the girls to a wine tasting this afternoon for one of their birthdays. I'm excited to do something with grown ups outside of school.

I still miss the shit out of Ben, but I'm not quite as disgruntled as I was. I'm counting on the second weekend of August as to when I will see him next. If I see him between now and then, that's just an added bonus. I like to keep my expectations low, can you tell?

"Kiss the rain whenever you need me. Kiss the rain whenever I'm gone too long..." -Kiss the Rain

Ugh... feeling the not so fun side of long distance relationships right now.

Between the miles and the lack of funds for spontaneous road trips... I'm missing the shit out of BB. He told me today that him and another guy have to take one of the government cars down to this juvenile boot camp that they're being drill instructors at and will not be leaving until Friday...

He's gonna try and work something out where the other guy will take the government vehicle and he'll take his own, but I'm not holding my breath.

I'm trying to not be mopey about this. Really, I am.

I know that this distance is good for us because it's forcing us to take things slow. I know if I were closer we'd be moving a lot faster than we need to. BB told me last night that he wanted nothing more than for me to be with him right now, but he'd rather wait 6 months and have me come down and be with him forever, rather than it happening right now and 6 months down the road we find that we're really not that good of a fit and I'm gone.

Just because it makes sense logically does not mean that it makes me any happier. We all know logic has never been my strong suit.

"Love is not love until love's vulnerable." -Theodore Roethke

When M was overseas I worried about losing him. I prepared myself mentally for his absence should the worst possible scenario occur. That was the only time that I was ever fearful of him not being around. Even at the worst points of our marriage, when I knew that divorce was probably inevitable, it wasn't something that I never really feared. I guess I was so afraid of losing him overseas because my kids would be losing their father and that is something that would absolutely break my heart.

With BB I have this vulnerability, this realization, that despite how wonderful things are right now... that doesn't mean that things are going to pan out. Maybe it's the fact that I went into mine and M's marriage with as much optimism as I could muster, even though in the back of my mind, I knew it was a crapshoot. Maybe it's because we live 5 hours away and sometimes I need just a hug, Hell, a pat on the back to let me know that he's still totally into this as I am. Our conversations reflect that things are perfectly fine, but I've always been an actions, not words type of person.

I don't ever remember feeling almost scared of losing someone emotionally. I've talked to BB briefly about it, but I also want him to know that I am secure in this whole long distance relationship, because I am. It's just a whole new territory. I love that I feel this strongly for someone... that I've let my heart open up so much after it was devastated by everything M put me through. I also hate that this could all come back and totally bite me in the ass.

I stopped messing with music there for a long time... the only time I would really listen to it was when I was in the car. I have rediscovered by love for music and I'm so happy. I have headphones in my ear for most of the day at school and the kids and I listen to music during dinner and before they go to bed. A, poor girl, is most likely tone deaf, but C has almost perfect pitch. It's insane. Insane. Every melodic sound he hears, he imitates and it is right on. I am absolutely in awe everytime he does it.

Some people dream of their kids being doctors, lawyers, professional athletes... I dream of my kids being rock stars.

"I run the streets all night and day, I can't stay away." -Slim Thug

Day one of my 5K training started today. I did not make my early morning appt with the jogging park, but after I got the kids down and Mama got home I headed out. I ran/jogged for 30-60 seconds and then walked for 2 minutes. It's nothing to write home about, but I did that for an hour so it's better than the cardio I've been getting.

Main drawback of this running business? Due to the glorious miracle of childbirth my bladder control ain't what it used to be... so I may or may not have pissed my pants one stride at a time. Awesome.

In other news... Mama and I had another clashing today. There's a crazy balance that totally gets thrown off when one moves away from home and lives their life very independently and then suddenly finds themselves back at home (with their two children, no less) and losing pretty much all of their independence.

Don't get me wrong, I am and will always be eternally grateful for the help that my mother has offered me during this super stressful time of my life. However, I am 26 and I have 2 kids and I feel like I can't make my own decision without running it by my mom first. Otherwise, I'm being selfish or irresponsible or something or other.

I'm not saying that every decision I've made since I moved down here has necessarily been the smartest one, but I also want my mom to see me as an adult and stop treating me like a child. Yeah, when I was a teenager and making stupid decisions, that was more than her place to tell me I was being an idiot and needed to get my act together. I feel that now, as long as my decisions aren't putting the kids or I in immediate danger (emotional, physical or mental)... then let me make my own mistakes. I have NEVER liked someone telling me not to do something on principle alone. It's kind of like the line in Sweet Home Alabama, "What's wrong with you Southern women? Can't make a right decision until you've made all the wrong ones?"

I know if I move in with BB, it's not going to be all sunshine and flowers and it's going to be a big adjustment, but good Lord... at least I'll be living with someone that looks at me like their equal and that's a big f'n deal.

School here lately has been almost a joke. Once summer hit, everyone stopped coming... except me... I suddenly upped my attendence. So far, I have the most hours clocked this month... that doesn't ever happen... ever. The afternoon hits and it is so ungodly hot at my station, since it's right in front of the window that I can't muster enough energy to do anything productive. I also hate working on my mannequin so I wait until I get an actual client. I LOVE working on actual clients and I am really coming into my own with all the techniques and stuff (except clipper cuts... no sir). I have no doubts that I will absolutely love this job and excel in the real world, but for right now... it takes a lot to muster much passion when you keep having to comb a damn doll's head.

Today I caught up on True Blood and Weeds. When I was done with that I started going through my music library and trying to weed through the 4000 songs I have and delete the ones I don't like. It's ridiculous.

Laughter is an instant vacation. ~Milton Berle

Lot of ground to cover here... keep up with my kids. I have quite the humorous story at the end of this if you make it through.

So, my father and I have had an estranged relationship for the past 9 years. Recently, in June, he invited me, out of the blue, to his retirement party. Deciding to let bygones be bygones, I went ahead and went. I was very nervous, but it turned out to be a really good thing. Yesterday the kids and I went out to their place. We got to hang out with the new miniature donkey, the kids got to ride a big ol' John Deere tractor and A got to ride on a horse.

My dad and I had a really good heart to heart and I had a pretty good convo with my step mom.

I've had father figures in the past 9 years, but there is nothing like having that connection with the person that you are half of. I haven't realized how deeply I wanted that relationship to be there until I've had a glimpse of the possibilites that could be.

My step mom even came into the salon today and I did a cut and color on her (which I totally rocked)... made a nice $40 tip so I'm not complaining one bit.

As a kid, I was raised Jehovah's Witness... because of this I missed out on holidays, birthdays... the whole thing. When my mom stopped doing the J-Dub thing, I was already a teenager, so I guess she didn't really think I ever wanted the whole birthday celebration business.

Today... I finally got my first official birthday cake. I blew out 26 candles after everyone at school sang me happy birthday.

Happy that I finally got to take part in a ritual that most everybody takes for granted, a rite of passage if you will.

Happy that I have met some wonderful people in the past 6 months that I can call my friends.

To top it all off, our school is located next to a dollar store place... all the students frequent it, so we're good buds with the employees there. They know me because I have a slight obsession with Honey Roasted Peanuts so I stroll my happy ass over there once a day to get my 2 for $1 bags of that savory goodness. One of the girls and I took some cake over to the manager and one of the employees on shift and I got a WHOLE CAN of honey roasted peanuts. I could've exploded with happiness.

I managed to clock in over 9 hours at school today and I'm elated. I am so so ready to get out of school. I'm ready to be able to get a job and start paying bills and not have to depend on other people for money. I'm getting over 40 hours a week at school and working at the salon on weekends when available. I'm not just sitting on my butt wasting time, but I'm also not making a significant amount of money.

I'm ready to not live under my mom's roof. God love her. I could never ever get through this time without her, but I am 26 and I do have 2 two kids and I'm ready to be an adult living in a house without my mom. I would be lying if I said that this isn't putting a bit of stress on our relationship because it is. It's a huge financial burden to suddenly have to financially support three more people and I hate feeling like I'm a burden.

There may be a little bit more motivation that's lighting a fire under me.

I've met someone.

I may have joined a dating site *cougheharmonycough* and taken a bit of a leap and actually met someone off of it. Apparently their little system they have going is working. BB is absolutely everything I have ever looked for in a man, in a significant other. He is funny, God, he is funny. He thinks I'm hilarious. He has two beautiful children and is a loving, devoted father. He adores my kids and hasn't even met them. He has been through a lot, a whole lot, and still has this fantastic attitude that you should embrace every bit of life you're given. He has a fantastic job that offers a lot of stability and perks. He has a fantastic relationship with his parents and OH his parents... I LOVE THEM. He's spontaneous and adventerous and makes me want to try and go to all sorts of places I've never done or seen. I am completely comfortable with him and am more myself than I've ever been with anybody I've ever been in a relationship with (including Matt).

He lives 5 hours away and if all keeps going as it is, the general plan is that I graduate from school and the kids and I move to Hill Country. Sometimes it seems like maybe we should slow it down... after all both of us are getting our divorces finalized... but I have an overwhelming feeling of coming home everytime I see him.

On an unrelated note... I've decided to grow my hair out and run a 5K. I just put that in here so that if I do cut my hair and don't run a 5K (Dec 5th, Reindeer Run, Austin, Tx) then someone can call me out... and there's nothing more I hate than being called out.

So here's the story as your reward...

Today I pick A up from school and her dress is covered with blood and she's toting around a huge wad of tissue. She proudly tells me she has had a bloody nose. Her teacher tells me that she has been rooting around her nose, fiercely trying to get at SOMETHING... perhaps trying to pull a small child out of her nose. This action caused her nose to bleed, obviously.

We get home and she tells me that she has to go potty so I go grab a towel from the bathroom for C. I see A standing on her stool, going to town at picking her nose and peering in the mirror as she's doing it. I'm like, What. The. Hell. I swat her hand, tell her that's not what we do and tell her to go eat dinner. So she's there whimpering about picking her damn nose and I'm trying to get C all bathed. I go to the bedroom to get him diapered up and what not when I hear my mom dying laughing and asking A why she stuck something up her nose and that now she was going to have something stuck in her brain and she was going to have brain damage.

My mom kind of has a special approach to parenting.

After I get C all diapered, I go to the kitchen to see what the hell my mom is talking about. Mama informs me, through her bouts of laughter, that A stuck a heart up her nose. I'm thinking a nice arts and crafts sequin heart... nothing too major. I figure it got stuck up there because it's so small and what not. A little boy gifted her with a heart and she chose to honor his gift by shoving it up her nose. I asked her if that was his idea or hers... my three year old's response, "I don't want to talk about it."

Then, my mom points to a napkin and tells me that the heart is in there. There is a freakin' piece of heart shaped candy... the same size as the heart shaped Runt... except this one is purple.

Not. Little.

I guess while I was getting C all diapered up, Mama asked A if she had something up her nose, thinking it was a huge booger or something. A told her that she had a heart up her nose. Mama got her to blow her nose and was quite taken aback when instead of seeing the monster of all boogers there was a purple piece of candy that flew out instead.

This. This right here... this is my life.

The more I look back on my life, the more miracles I see

I turned 26 today.

Nothing spectacular happened. I got birthday muffins with candles. I listened to 95.9 The Ranch on the internet while sitting outside with my mom and the kids, watching my daughter blow bubbles and my son navigate the terrain that is grass and dirt. I spent the rest of my day doing not much of anything. Listening to music, catching up on True Blood, taking a nap with the little ones, scolding the little ones, loving the little ones... there was even a Dance Party USA session to old country music in the living room with the little ones.

It was one of the best birthdays I've ever had.

I was with the two people closest to my heart. I was/am happy... genuinely genuinely happy.

25 was filled with every range of human emotion. A baby being born, a marriage ending...

26 so far has been nothing but absolute contentment.