When M was overseas I worried about losing him. I prepared myself mentally for his absence should the worst possible scenario occur. That was the only time that I was ever fearful of him not being around. Even at the worst points of our marriage, when I knew that divorce was probably inevitable, it wasn't something that I never really feared. I guess I was so afraid of losing him overseas because my kids would be losing their father and that is something that would absolutely break my heart.
With BB I have this vulnerability, this realization, that despite how wonderful things are right now... that doesn't mean that things are going to pan out. Maybe it's the fact that I went into mine and M's marriage with as much optimism as I could muster, even though in the back of my mind, I knew it was a crapshoot. Maybe it's because we live 5 hours away and sometimes I need just a hug, Hell, a pat on the back to let me know that he's still totally into this as I am. Our conversations reflect that things are perfectly fine, but I've always been an actions, not words type of person.
I don't ever remember feeling almost scared of losing someone emotionally. I've talked to BB briefly about it, but I also want him to know that I am secure in this whole long distance relationship, because I am. It's just a whole new territory. I love that I feel this strongly for someone... that I've let my heart open up so much after it was devastated by everything M put me through. I also hate that this could all come back and totally bite me in the ass.
I stopped messing with music there for a long time... the only time I would really listen to it was when I was in the car. I have rediscovered by love for music and I'm so happy. I have headphones in my ear for most of the day at school and the kids and I listen to music during dinner and before they go to bed. A, poor girl, is most likely tone deaf, but C has almost perfect pitch. It's insane. Insane. Every melodic sound he hears, he imitates and it is right on. I am absolutely in awe everytime he does it.
Some people dream of their kids being doctors, lawyers, professional athletes... I dream of my kids being rock stars.
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