I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent. -Gandhi

I love chaos.

I stay glued to the news whenever the shit hits the fan.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want anybody to get hurt, or worse killed.

When disaster strikes, whether it be natural, accidental or carried out by man, I am absolutely captivated. I find myself wondering what it would be like to be waiting to hear that a loved one is okay and all the emotions and thoughts that must be running through their heads. Wondering what it would be like to be going about your day as normal and all the sudden some crazy tragedy is taking place right where you are.

Today there was a mass shooting at Ft Hood. A soldier was one of the shooters. Not just any soldier, an Army psychiatrist. I'm not one to be emotionally affected by these events... just captivated. I didn't cry when 9/11 happened. Maybe it's because I have that military tie. Maybe it's the fact that BB was at one point stationed there and despite his abrupt exit, I still can't help but imagine what he must be feeling. He still knows people back there. He lived there. I'm just bothered by this event and I can't really figure out why.

They keep talking about the mental strain this war is taking on the soldiers, the multiple deployments and PTSD and what not. Ft Hood is where soldiers are sent to "reset" from combat stress. I've seen the effect that combat and the war have on people, my people. This war... whatever it does or doesn't do... no matter how good the outcome is (which, in my opinion, isn't going to be a world changing positive outcome)... there's still thousands of troops who will suffer mentally for the rest of their lives. Some will suffer so badly that they will end their lives, and apparently the lives of others, because the mental suffering is just too much to deal with.

It's so fucking unfair, but at the same time it's what these guys sign up for. Why the Hell isn't the government doing more? Yeah, there's the VA but the military is so prone to having this hard ass attitude that the ratio of people that need help and the actual number of people getting help is so skewed. The exit counseling is a joke. So many of the guys straight up lie just so that they won't be labeled as crazy. Military personnel shifting to civilian life are basically fucked because they have been in this insanely structured environment for so long that they don't know how to act like a normal person.

I'm just... flabbergasted.

I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Haley's comet. -The Hangover

I want to keep Alan from The Hangover in my pocket with me at all times because he just really makes me happy. He wouldn't even need to talk. Just stand there all beardy, poorly dressed with a baby strapped on him.

I've had this kind of epiphany lately and I feel the need to document it.

I tripped balls whenever I turned 25. Like, had a REAL freakin' hard time with it.

Possibly due to the fact that I hadn't graduated college, had no job, nor job prospects, yet was married with two children... I don't know. I just didn't feel like my life equaled 25. Some kind of mental disconnect or something.

For some reason I had this perception that 30 is some magical grown up age. Kind of like game over... it's srs business time. Anywho, after dating two guys in their 30s... I've realized that is not true.

Basically, as long as you've got your shit together, can pay your bills and take care of your responsibilities you can still partake in activities that are not all srs business.

Anyway, it makes me quite excited about the future. Since leaving M, I think I've let a lot of the newfound single mother responsibility age me mentally. I feel A LOT older than 26. Instead of feeling like my young days are far behind me, I'm trying to take it one day at a time with the responsibility thing while still enjoy as much of that day as I can.

There has been a lot of crap going on, just in the last week alone, and I could really be in a bad place right now, but I'm so cool with life now. I was a ball of nauseous nerves on Monday due to the fact that I thought I was getting divorced the next day and then I had a two hour crying/pissed off as all hell moment when I learned I was not getting divorced the next day. I however, took lemons (in reality, limes) and turned them into partners of tequila shots with Mr Man and had a splendid end to a really really really shitty day.

I've made a new hobby of harassing my lawyer's assistant multiple times a day to see when the new court date will be. Honestly, I probably won't have a final hearing until 2010, but whatever, I'll get there. I just am trying really hard to not stress out about the stuff that I have little to no control over and take care of the stuff that I do.

I'm in a good place.

Yeah... that whole thing about the final hearing being tomorrow?

Don't worry 'bout it.

Fucking piece of shit lawyer dropped the fucking ball.

Final hearing: TBA

F.M.L.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. -Marilyn Monroe

My final hearing is tomorrow.

I feel like I should feel different.

Sad?

Angry?

Relieved?

Happy?

I just feel kind of numb.

Things have been hashed and rehashed and hashed again. I've said my I'm sorry's. M's said his. Basically, M and I couldn't get our shit together at the right time. Maybe if I had left earlier when I wasn't completely beat down I would've had something left inside me to give as a second chance. Instead I stayed until I could not stay anymore. I stayed until I lost who I was as a person and could not recognize my own face in the mirror. I stayed until I could physically feel the weight of the relationship lift off my shoulders as I backed out of our driveway on Jan 3.

I'm so nauseous. I just want this to be over with. I want this *thing* to stop hanging over my head.

Fuck.

I hugged M today and I smelled him and it was so familiar. I can't even begin to count all the times he held me in that exact spot. Times when I was happy, sad, crazy, mad, lost...

It just pisses me off that after everything that we went through together (which is more than most people go through in a lifetime and we hit it all in less than 5 years) that it just fell apart.

I know I'm making the right decision for myself and the kids. M is the exact same person that he was in Jan and I'm not. It doesn't mean that it makes it any easier to know that tomorrow I'm walking into a courtroom to legally end my marriage to the man that is the father of my children... the man that at one time I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.