"I spend my life on this broken crutch and you believe I can fly." -Hayes Carll

This week has been hellacious. It has been a rollarcoaster of emotions.

Basically, Sunday afternoon I brought down M's house of cards made up of all his lies. I did it because M has absolutely nothing going for him. I think he needs inpatient help somewhere and if he's going to be in my kids' life, I want him to have a positive influence.

In response to that, he wrote me a suicide email, which he didn't follow through with. Now I'm on his most hated list. You know, it's whatever. I'm not trying to fuck up his life. I'm not trying to make him out to be the bad guy... I just want him to get help. He's been lying to his family for so so long and now that they know what's really going on, I'm cutting all ties with M. I'll only deal with him if it's directly related to the kids... otherwise, I'm out.

I had a job interview at HEB. Oh the lows I have reached when I'm 26 and applying at HEB. Once again, it's whatever. I'll make a little money. Pay some bills, help out with day care. I actually think I may somewhat enjoy it. It's people watching at it's finest; getting to see what people buy and what not. I'm trying to be optimistic about it. I'll have to play with my hours so that I'm not missing out on too much time with my kids... try and fit one weekend off so that I can see BB.

I asked him if I got a job that required me to work most weekends if he would still love me and not break up with me. He said I was silly, so I guess that means he'll stick around.

His temporary hearing is on the 24th and he's going for custody of his son. If he gets custody, that house is going to be insane. I absolutely can not wait for it. I love his kids.

A is obsessed with princesses and talks about them constantly. Today she was pretending to be Belle and Lamby was a prince that was going to rescue her. When her "prince" rescued her she gave him a huge hug and spun around and the look on her face gave me a peek 1o years (God, please let it at least be 10 years) in the future when she gets that puppy love over some silly boy who will inevitably be a silly boy and dick her over.

I can't believe my little girl is growing up this fast. I want to stop time. Cs all about his mama right now and is just giggly and happy. A is imaginative and friendly and wears her heart on her sleeve. She talks and talks and talks. I don't want them to change. I don't want C to become a nasty, stinky boy. I don't want A to be all bitchy and hormonal.

My goal is just to be as positive as possible. Find the silver lining in everything... you know, the usual.

"Ever Thine, Ever Mine, Ever Ours." -Beethoven

So, went MIA for a bit.

Just got back from a slightly extended vay-cay at BB's.

Every moment I am around him, I love him more and more. Everything is so natural. I love him not in spite of his flaws, but because of them. I see his faults and know they are there. I don't overlook them because I'm totally infatuated with him.

I've tried to keep my eyes as wide open as possible. When something comes up, I think to myself, is this something I could live with forever... or is it something that's going to become an issue after the newness wears off. So far, no issues.

My grandmother told me something whenever I was gushing about an old love... I was telling her how we could just talk and talk and talk. She said that it was great that we could talk because communication was wonderful, but it was the easy silence that you need to make sure you have.

I never put a lot of thought into that, but now I get it. With M, I had to fill the empty air with words, whether or not they had any significance... I couldn't just be with him.

Tuesday night there was a meteor shower and BB and I sat in the bed of his truck and watched the sky. We talked about love and kids and life and God... then there were moments where we sat, holding hands, our heads turned up to see another shooting star and I had no urge to say a word. All I wanted to do was sit there with BB and feel how overwhelmingly in love I was... I am.

"And everyone is running and I come to find a refuge in the easy silence that you make for me. It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me, and the peaceful quiet you create for me, and the way you keep the world at bay for me" -Easy Silence/Dixie Chicks

In other news, M's wanting to only pay $200 a month in child support... as opposed to $500. Apparently, he can demean my parenting abilities because I go to school and work... but he's some awesome dad because when he has the kids he has them all day. Great, he spends loads of time with them because he's unemployed and not going to school. That's not real life. Being a parent is an emotional, time, and financial commitment. You can't pick and choose.

I can not wait until this legal crap is done with and I get those papers saying I am officially divorced. Being in limbo sucks major ass.