"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gold." -Kid Cudi

So... BB is back with his wife. Ha! I may or may have been doing some creepin' on myspace and discovered that for myself. More power to them for trying to make their family work out, but I'm pretty sure that was the reason for the break up and I wish he would've just been honest with me about it instead of using my kids as an excuse. LAME!

I had a bittersweet moment with M on Sunday. He came to get the kids for a bit because it was his grandmother's birthday. He came inside to use the bathroom and he was killing time before heading out to family fun time and we were just sitting on the couch with the kids, talking, shooting the shit... just like old times. It's so comfortable with him. When he was leaving he gave me a hug and I remembered how perfectly I fit there, in that hug, with him.

It could've made me sad and it could've made me doubt my decision, but it didn't. If anything, it made my heart kind of happy. I know that M is still M and he still has his issues and those issues are what stands in the way of us having a happy, healthy marriage. I've been so caught up in just getting this divorce over with that I think I had forgotten the feelings I once had for M. Sunday reminded me that at one point I was madly, madly in love with him and that A and C were most definitely created by two people who loved each other dearly. At least I can tell A and C that with whole hearted honesty. I need someone to lean on for support and that will share the burden of finances, child care... everything. M hasn't been able to give me that for a long time and he can't right now and isn't really making an effort to change his way of life. I miss the way I fit in his arms and I miss having that comfortability, ease, assurance in a partner. I don't miss the fights, the stress, the tears. I'm still 100% sure of my decision... but I still miss the good M.

C is teething and has been a hot screaming mess since Friday evening. I feel like I am living with a foreign exchange student. He can not communicate to me what he wants and he gets pissed off and I get frustrated because I can not make my baby happy and it's just awful. I have like a 60% success rate of picking up the actual object he wants, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know what he wants so I feel like I'm doing exceptional in my interpretation skills.

A turns 4 on Saturday. Holy shit. Where did the time go? I'm not gonna have a baby and a toddler anymore... I'm gonna have a baby/almost toddler and a kid. I'm just kind of speechless and if I try and get out any thoughts I'm gonna start getting all nostalgic and weepy and I'm already about to lose my shit due to the angry drunk old man that has currently possessed my son's body... so I'll just leave it at that.

"I spend my life on this broken crutch and you believe I can fly." -Hayes Carll

This week has been hellacious. It has been a rollarcoaster of emotions.

Basically, Sunday afternoon I brought down M's house of cards made up of all his lies. I did it because M has absolutely nothing going for him. I think he needs inpatient help somewhere and if he's going to be in my kids' life, I want him to have a positive influence.

In response to that, he wrote me a suicide email, which he didn't follow through with. Now I'm on his most hated list. You know, it's whatever. I'm not trying to fuck up his life. I'm not trying to make him out to be the bad guy... I just want him to get help. He's been lying to his family for so so long and now that they know what's really going on, I'm cutting all ties with M. I'll only deal with him if it's directly related to the kids... otherwise, I'm out.

I had a job interview at HEB. Oh the lows I have reached when I'm 26 and applying at HEB. Once again, it's whatever. I'll make a little money. Pay some bills, help out with day care. I actually think I may somewhat enjoy it. It's people watching at it's finest; getting to see what people buy and what not. I'm trying to be optimistic about it. I'll have to play with my hours so that I'm not missing out on too much time with my kids... try and fit one weekend off so that I can see BB.

I asked him if I got a job that required me to work most weekends if he would still love me and not break up with me. He said I was silly, so I guess that means he'll stick around.

His temporary hearing is on the 24th and he's going for custody of his son. If he gets custody, that house is going to be insane. I absolutely can not wait for it. I love his kids.

A is obsessed with princesses and talks about them constantly. Today she was pretending to be Belle and Lamby was a prince that was going to rescue her. When her "prince" rescued her she gave him a huge hug and spun around and the look on her face gave me a peek 1o years (God, please let it at least be 10 years) in the future when she gets that puppy love over some silly boy who will inevitably be a silly boy and dick her over.

I can't believe my little girl is growing up this fast. I want to stop time. Cs all about his mama right now and is just giggly and happy. A is imaginative and friendly and wears her heart on her sleeve. She talks and talks and talks. I don't want them to change. I don't want C to become a nasty, stinky boy. I don't want A to be all bitchy and hormonal.

My goal is just to be as positive as possible. Find the silver lining in everything... you know, the usual.

"Ever Thine, Ever Mine, Ever Ours." -Beethoven

So, went MIA for a bit.

Just got back from a slightly extended vay-cay at BB's.

Every moment I am around him, I love him more and more. Everything is so natural. I love him not in spite of his flaws, but because of them. I see his faults and know they are there. I don't overlook them because I'm totally infatuated with him.

I've tried to keep my eyes as wide open as possible. When something comes up, I think to myself, is this something I could live with forever... or is it something that's going to become an issue after the newness wears off. So far, no issues.

My grandmother told me something whenever I was gushing about an old love... I was telling her how we could just talk and talk and talk. She said that it was great that we could talk because communication was wonderful, but it was the easy silence that you need to make sure you have.

I never put a lot of thought into that, but now I get it. With M, I had to fill the empty air with words, whether or not they had any significance... I couldn't just be with him.

Tuesday night there was a meteor shower and BB and I sat in the bed of his truck and watched the sky. We talked about love and kids and life and God... then there were moments where we sat, holding hands, our heads turned up to see another shooting star and I had no urge to say a word. All I wanted to do was sit there with BB and feel how overwhelmingly in love I was... I am.

"And everyone is running and I come to find a refuge in the easy silence that you make for me. It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me, and the peaceful quiet you create for me, and the way you keep the world at bay for me" -Easy Silence/Dixie Chicks

In other news, M's wanting to only pay $200 a month in child support... as opposed to $500. Apparently, he can demean my parenting abilities because I go to school and work... but he's some awesome dad because when he has the kids he has them all day. Great, he spends loads of time with them because he's unemployed and not going to school. That's not real life. Being a parent is an emotional, time, and financial commitment. You can't pick and choose.

I can not wait until this legal crap is done with and I get those papers saying I am officially divorced. Being in limbo sucks major ass.

"We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.” -Calvin and Hobbes

I'm in a shitty mood and I'm trying to unfunkify my day.

Not going so well.

I've spent 75% of this week trying not to vomit due to some unknown bug that I caught from who knows where.

BB was supposed to come in today, but apparently he managed to contract the same bug I had. Today's appearance is a no go. More than likely, I'll see him tomorrow so I should just suck it up. I just haven't seen him in almost three weeks and I got used to seeing him every week there for a bit. I miss his ass.

This is why I don't like expectations. I tried this whole optimistic business but goodness gracious, I hate getting disappointed. I'd rather plan on not seeing him again until I move up there (if I move up there) in January. Then everytime I saw him in between now and then would just be a welcome surprise. Kind of a defeatist attitude, but whatever.

Then M had to be an ass and bring up what a shit move it was me moving the kids' furniture out of the house MONTHS ago. Okay, yeah that sucks that the kids' don't have their furniture up in Lubbock anymore, but myself or my mom purchased all their furniture, he let the kids' rooms stay trashed and I'm not going to let their stuff be ruined. It just pisses me off that the one outright semi-shitty thing that I did in our whole marriage has to be brung up continuously.

Nevermind the dozens of days/nights that he stayed out drinking and came home belligerantly drunk while I had to put the kids to bed and get them up without his help... nevermind the horrible things he told me... nevermind the fact that when I told him that all I needed from him to make me stay was to at least act like he gave a shit and he couldn't do that. I don't throw that in his face.

As far as I'm concerned, the day that I filed for divorce, the past was the past. I want what's best for him and I want him to get better. I don't want to run him into the ground by constantly bringing up his failures...

Maybe it makes him feel better because I'm actually on track to doing something with my life and I'm handling my business while he's sitting in the house doing absolutely NOTHING.

I think my iTunes is on a conspiracy to try and make my mood suck worse because it's picking some really depressing songs to listen to.

Damn the man, yo.

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

Last night, I was laying in bed, A was cuddled up next to me and I could hear C squirming in his sleep. I found myself wondering how in the world I ever got so lucky. Here I am, sharing a room with my two kids in my mother's house. I have not a cent to my name, I'm in the middle of a divorce with a boyfriend living 5 hours away... yet I still feel like I am so insanely blessed.

Even when M and I had money in the bank and all the little pieces of the puzzle seemed like they were fitting together I never remember feeling this content. I never remember stopping and just taking a survey of my life and feeling utterly satisfied with it.

M is in need of a lot of help. I'm dreading this little family conference, especially because I know it's going to break his dad's heart. You know, I'm probably going to be blamed for not bringing every detail to light, but whatever... put all the blame on me if it will get M some help.

I want to help him, but I'm still pissed off that I still have to take care of his ass. Feels like all I've done for the majority of the last 4 years is take care of his ass or cover his ass.

BB comes down this weekend and he is pumped to meet the kids. I am elated. I know I'm going to fall in love with him all over again when I see him with my kids. He is such a good dad to his own, I know that he'll be good to my babies.

Laughter is an instant vacation. ~Milton Berle

Lot of ground to cover here... keep up with my kids. I have quite the humorous story at the end of this if you make it through.

So, my father and I have had an estranged relationship for the past 9 years. Recently, in June, he invited me, out of the blue, to his retirement party. Deciding to let bygones be bygones, I went ahead and went. I was very nervous, but it turned out to be a really good thing. Yesterday the kids and I went out to their place. We got to hang out with the new miniature donkey, the kids got to ride a big ol' John Deere tractor and A got to ride on a horse.

My dad and I had a really good heart to heart and I had a pretty good convo with my step mom.

I've had father figures in the past 9 years, but there is nothing like having that connection with the person that you are half of. I haven't realized how deeply I wanted that relationship to be there until I've had a glimpse of the possibilites that could be.

My step mom even came into the salon today and I did a cut and color on her (which I totally rocked)... made a nice $40 tip so I'm not complaining one bit.

As a kid, I was raised Jehovah's Witness... because of this I missed out on holidays, birthdays... the whole thing. When my mom stopped doing the J-Dub thing, I was already a teenager, so I guess she didn't really think I ever wanted the whole birthday celebration business.

Today... I finally got my first official birthday cake. I blew out 26 candles after everyone at school sang me happy birthday.

Happy that I finally got to take part in a ritual that most everybody takes for granted, a rite of passage if you will.

Happy that I have met some wonderful people in the past 6 months that I can call my friends.

To top it all off, our school is located next to a dollar store place... all the students frequent it, so we're good buds with the employees there. They know me because I have a slight obsession with Honey Roasted Peanuts so I stroll my happy ass over there once a day to get my 2 for $1 bags of that savory goodness. One of the girls and I took some cake over to the manager and one of the employees on shift and I got a WHOLE CAN of honey roasted peanuts. I could've exploded with happiness.

I managed to clock in over 9 hours at school today and I'm elated. I am so so ready to get out of school. I'm ready to be able to get a job and start paying bills and not have to depend on other people for money. I'm getting over 40 hours a week at school and working at the salon on weekends when available. I'm not just sitting on my butt wasting time, but I'm also not making a significant amount of money.

I'm ready to not live under my mom's roof. God love her. I could never ever get through this time without her, but I am 26 and I do have 2 two kids and I'm ready to be an adult living in a house without my mom. I would be lying if I said that this isn't putting a bit of stress on our relationship because it is. It's a huge financial burden to suddenly have to financially support three more people and I hate feeling like I'm a burden.

There may be a little bit more motivation that's lighting a fire under me.

I've met someone.

I may have joined a dating site *cougheharmonycough* and taken a bit of a leap and actually met someone off of it. Apparently their little system they have going is working. BB is absolutely everything I have ever looked for in a man, in a significant other. He is funny, God, he is funny. He thinks I'm hilarious. He has two beautiful children and is a loving, devoted father. He adores my kids and hasn't even met them. He has been through a lot, a whole lot, and still has this fantastic attitude that you should embrace every bit of life you're given. He has a fantastic job that offers a lot of stability and perks. He has a fantastic relationship with his parents and OH his parents... I LOVE THEM. He's spontaneous and adventerous and makes me want to try and go to all sorts of places I've never done or seen. I am completely comfortable with him and am more myself than I've ever been with anybody I've ever been in a relationship with (including Matt).

He lives 5 hours away and if all keeps going as it is, the general plan is that I graduate from school and the kids and I move to Hill Country. Sometimes it seems like maybe we should slow it down... after all both of us are getting our divorces finalized... but I have an overwhelming feeling of coming home everytime I see him.

On an unrelated note... I've decided to grow my hair out and run a 5K. I just put that in here so that if I do cut my hair and don't run a 5K (Dec 5th, Reindeer Run, Austin, Tx) then someone can call me out... and there's nothing more I hate than being called out.

So here's the story as your reward...

Today I pick A up from school and her dress is covered with blood and she's toting around a huge wad of tissue. She proudly tells me she has had a bloody nose. Her teacher tells me that she has been rooting around her nose, fiercely trying to get at SOMETHING... perhaps trying to pull a small child out of her nose. This action caused her nose to bleed, obviously.

We get home and she tells me that she has to go potty so I go grab a towel from the bathroom for C. I see A standing on her stool, going to town at picking her nose and peering in the mirror as she's doing it. I'm like, What. The. Hell. I swat her hand, tell her that's not what we do and tell her to go eat dinner. So she's there whimpering about picking her damn nose and I'm trying to get C all bathed. I go to the bedroom to get him diapered up and what not when I hear my mom dying laughing and asking A why she stuck something up her nose and that now she was going to have something stuck in her brain and she was going to have brain damage.

My mom kind of has a special approach to parenting.

After I get C all diapered, I go to the kitchen to see what the hell my mom is talking about. Mama informs me, through her bouts of laughter, that A stuck a heart up her nose. I'm thinking a nice arts and crafts sequin heart... nothing too major. I figure it got stuck up there because it's so small and what not. A little boy gifted her with a heart and she chose to honor his gift by shoving it up her nose. I asked her if that was his idea or hers... my three year old's response, "I don't want to talk about it."

Then, my mom points to a napkin and tells me that the heart is in there. There is a freakin' piece of heart shaped candy... the same size as the heart shaped Runt... except this one is purple.

Not. Little.

I guess while I was getting C all diapered up, Mama asked A if she had something up her nose, thinking it was a huge booger or something. A told her that she had a heart up her nose. Mama got her to blow her nose and was quite taken aback when instead of seeing the monster of all boogers there was a purple piece of candy that flew out instead.

This. This right here... this is my life.