"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gold." -Kid Cudi

So... BB is back with his wife. Ha! I may or may have been doing some creepin' on myspace and discovered that for myself. More power to them for trying to make their family work out, but I'm pretty sure that was the reason for the break up and I wish he would've just been honest with me about it instead of using my kids as an excuse. LAME!

I had a bittersweet moment with M on Sunday. He came to get the kids for a bit because it was his grandmother's birthday. He came inside to use the bathroom and he was killing time before heading out to family fun time and we were just sitting on the couch with the kids, talking, shooting the shit... just like old times. It's so comfortable with him. When he was leaving he gave me a hug and I remembered how perfectly I fit there, in that hug, with him.

It could've made me sad and it could've made me doubt my decision, but it didn't. If anything, it made my heart kind of happy. I know that M is still M and he still has his issues and those issues are what stands in the way of us having a happy, healthy marriage. I've been so caught up in just getting this divorce over with that I think I had forgotten the feelings I once had for M. Sunday reminded me that at one point I was madly, madly in love with him and that A and C were most definitely created by two people who loved each other dearly. At least I can tell A and C that with whole hearted honesty. I need someone to lean on for support and that will share the burden of finances, child care... everything. M hasn't been able to give me that for a long time and he can't right now and isn't really making an effort to change his way of life. I miss the way I fit in his arms and I miss having that comfortability, ease, assurance in a partner. I don't miss the fights, the stress, the tears. I'm still 100% sure of my decision... but I still miss the good M.

C is teething and has been a hot screaming mess since Friday evening. I feel like I am living with a foreign exchange student. He can not communicate to me what he wants and he gets pissed off and I get frustrated because I can not make my baby happy and it's just awful. I have like a 60% success rate of picking up the actual object he wants, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know what he wants so I feel like I'm doing exceptional in my interpretation skills.

A turns 4 on Saturday. Holy shit. Where did the time go? I'm not gonna have a baby and a toddler anymore... I'm gonna have a baby/almost toddler and a kid. I'm just kind of speechless and if I try and get out any thoughts I'm gonna start getting all nostalgic and weepy and I'm already about to lose my shit due to the angry drunk old man that has currently possessed my son's body... so I'll just leave it at that.