I don't want you to go, I'll eat you up I love you so. -Where the Wild Things Are

My final hearing is in a week. INSANE. I'm so ready to get this over with. M is going back and forth from being friendly and easy to get along with and then the next minute he's telling me all of my character flaws and how he doesn't know how not to hate me. I just pray that he actually shows up to the hearing that way we don't have to do the whole dog and pony show with the judge if he doesn't.

A turned FOUR on Saturday. Can not believe that. She's a little kid now. Not a toddler... a little kid. I took her on a date for her bday yesterday since M had her this weekend. We got nails and toes done, did some Halloween shopping, went out to eat and took her to her first movie in a theater. Went and saw Where the Wild Things Are... not exactly what I expected. It was actually kind of a downer in a lot of parts. I'm loving watching her develop into her own little person. Absolutely independent and headstrong and at times frustrating as all get out, but it's like she already knows exactly who she is. I am already so proud of her.

My Great Granny got life flighted into OD yesterday after her heart rate dropped and they couldn't get her back up after what was supposed to be a minor procedure removing some lumps from her breast. Being as how my mom is disfellowshipped from the whole J-Dub organization, she is essentially cut off from her family. Since I was never baptized, I get to be as worldly as I want to be and they'll still associate with me. It's the most bass-ackwards arrangement ever. Anyway, my mom went to the hospital last night and saw her dad for the first time since mine and M's wedding and saw her sister, who she didn't even recognize, for the first time in 15 years. My mom's best friend came over to watch the kids so I could go offer some moral support. It was an emotional evening. The last time I was in the ICU of that hospital was when M's mom died. Walking down the hallway I had flashbacks of that day and it just made my stomach turn. When my mom and I talked to my granny her heart rate spiked and she was fidgeting so much because she wanted to hug us. It was absolutely heart wrenching. I'll be surprised if she leaves the hospital... she's 94... I just feel for my mom. I can't imagine how much her heart is just aching right now.

This weekend I spent a lot of Q.T. with Mr Man. Friday we did dinner at the house with his kid, went to a haunted house, I gave him a pedicure, did some hot-tubbing. I went to Lubbock with my mom and her best friend for the A&M/Tech game. We had an extra ticket so at 6pm, Mr Man decided to drive up. He made it there after halftime and tailgated with us afterwards. He had to be back in town fairly early, so I rode back with him so he didn't have to drive back by himself so late. We had a heart to heart on the way home... failed marriages, life, what not. My feelings for him are definitely growing the more time we spend together. They aren't overpowering though, like they were with BB. I don't feel this urge to push some kind of serious title for whatever we're doing. I look forward to the time we get to spend together... have no clue where this may or may not be going, but I think it's just what I need right now.

"Ain't that just like the present to be showing up like that?" -Bon Iver

Sick kids... no fun.

Actually, I don't think C is sick. He's either teething or generally pissed off about life or having some kind of strange mid-infancy/toddler crisis. Basically, it's like being at home with a hormonal teenager/menopausal woman/angry drunk little old man. Fortunately when he's having his good moments he cheeses it up and makes me remember to "take a break don't shake."

A is puke-y. No fever and she's in a generally good disposition. I told her she was doing a good job by throwing up in the potty and she turned to me as she was closing the lid and said, "Well thank you!" Like it was some huge compliment she'd been waiting for all night.

She's laying in bed watching Disney. C is asleep in the stroller in the living room. Yesterday he didn't want to be set down at all and hello, I am a wee person with no upper body strength and dude is a chunk! After carrying him around for, no lie, 3 hours and trying to decide how to quiet the possessed child that I was on the verge of breaking up with I remembered how M's mom said she would walk him around in a stroller at night to get him to calm down. Holy mother of Jesus! It worked. We did some laps yesterday and he never called it a night. This morning though, right after breakfast when he wanted to be held immediately after getting out of his chair, I busted out that stroller... did some laps and wham bam thank you ma'am... the kid is snoozing.

It's overwhelming at times doing this single mom gig... especially when I know that the more days I miss of school the further back I'm pushing my final day... which means the further away from a viable income I am. I'm really just trying to take on the obstacles as they come instead of getting all bent out of shape. Yes, school's gonna take a little bit longer (like a month or two). Yes, my bills are... well, we're not even going to talk about those. Life is not perfect, but as I sit here in the house with the rain coming down outside, Bon Iver on the stereo, my precious kids sick... but still being amazing... I am content.

"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gold." -Kid Cudi

So... BB is back with his wife. Ha! I may or may have been doing some creepin' on myspace and discovered that for myself. More power to them for trying to make their family work out, but I'm pretty sure that was the reason for the break up and I wish he would've just been honest with me about it instead of using my kids as an excuse. LAME!

I had a bittersweet moment with M on Sunday. He came to get the kids for a bit because it was his grandmother's birthday. He came inside to use the bathroom and he was killing time before heading out to family fun time and we were just sitting on the couch with the kids, talking, shooting the shit... just like old times. It's so comfortable with him. When he was leaving he gave me a hug and I remembered how perfectly I fit there, in that hug, with him.

It could've made me sad and it could've made me doubt my decision, but it didn't. If anything, it made my heart kind of happy. I know that M is still M and he still has his issues and those issues are what stands in the way of us having a happy, healthy marriage. I've been so caught up in just getting this divorce over with that I think I had forgotten the feelings I once had for M. Sunday reminded me that at one point I was madly, madly in love with him and that A and C were most definitely created by two people who loved each other dearly. At least I can tell A and C that with whole hearted honesty. I need someone to lean on for support and that will share the burden of finances, child care... everything. M hasn't been able to give me that for a long time and he can't right now and isn't really making an effort to change his way of life. I miss the way I fit in his arms and I miss having that comfortability, ease, assurance in a partner. I don't miss the fights, the stress, the tears. I'm still 100% sure of my decision... but I still miss the good M.

C is teething and has been a hot screaming mess since Friday evening. I feel like I am living with a foreign exchange student. He can not communicate to me what he wants and he gets pissed off and I get frustrated because I can not make my baby happy and it's just awful. I have like a 60% success rate of picking up the actual object he wants, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know what he wants so I feel like I'm doing exceptional in my interpretation skills.

A turns 4 on Saturday. Holy shit. Where did the time go? I'm not gonna have a baby and a toddler anymore... I'm gonna have a baby/almost toddler and a kid. I'm just kind of speechless and if I try and get out any thoughts I'm gonna start getting all nostalgic and weepy and I'm already about to lose my shit due to the angry drunk old man that has currently possessed my son's body... so I'll just leave it at that.

"Should I give up or should I just keeping chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere?" -Adele

I've decided I'm for sure dating Mr Man. The question that I do not know the answer to is if it's exclusive or non exclusive. Honestly, I would rather just play ignorant and believe that we are exclusive and never have to actually have the conversation.

Saturday we went shooting and then went to this benefit for a woman whose husband had been killed by a drunk driver and then hung out and watched football and sat in the hot tub for about 8 hours.

I enjoy the time I spend with Mr Man immensely. I have feelings for him, but I feel like this whatever-it-is is progressing at a much more comfortable rate then it was with Crazy D and BB. We go on dates, have fun, text when we have something to say and there's no drama. I kind of like where things are right now.

E-Spang thinks I'm in a fantasy relationship. The fact that he hasn't met my kids and I've spent all of 5 minutes around his negates any significance between Mr Man and I. She thinks we should throw real world time in there to make it real.

This is where I run into a conundrum.

At this point, I do not feel it necessary to introduce the kids to Mr Man or to spend lots of Q.T. with his kids. I don't feel that we're at the level of seriousness. When do you reach that point though? The more time I spend with Mr Man and the more we learn about each other, the more I like him. It's only logical to think that if things keep progressing as they do, I'm eventually going to fall in love with him.

So... say I fall in love with him, the kids get introduced and he pulls a BB and decides he can't hack it with the kids. What then?

On the flip side of that is, so you start off each relationship with kids being introduced immediately and you basically start off playing "one big happy family" from the beginning and everyone gets attached. What happens when you break up?

I just don't think it's healthy for the kids to meet every guy I date. I guess it's just a risk I'm going to have to take in the dating world that some people are going to love me, but not the rest of the package, some people are going to love me and the idea of the package, but not the reality of it... and a special few will love me and the rest of the package.

I'd rather prefer to get my heart broken later down the road, then to subject my kids to getting let down if something doesn't work out with someone that they've formed an attachment to. They're already going through that with their dad and I just... I can't do that again. I probably won't ever be 100% sure that someone is "The One"... but I want to be as close to that as possible before I let them have the privilege of meeting my kids.

So, here's the deal. I'm gonna roll with this Mr Man deal. I'm not going to force this relationship to be serious faster than it should. I'm gonna concentrate on getting done with school and getting the divorce finalized (Nov 3 is the final hearing!!!!!!!!!!!!) and getting the kids and I settled. Maybe Mr Man and I will become something more serious. Maybe it'll work out that the first guy that I dated post marriage will be Lucky #2 and I won't ever have to enter the dating world again. Maybe Mr Man is nothing but a temporary distraction. Maybe Mr Man and I will fall madly in love but the extra baggage on both sides is just too much. I don't know... there's a shit load of maybes. The point is, I'm happy right now and I don't really see any reason to rock the boat.

I know this, it's a hell of a lot harder to date as a single parent then it is just as a single.

"Oh, all that I know there's nothing here to run from, 'cause yeah, everybody here's got somebody to lean on." -Don't Panic/Coldplay

I am in this fantastic mood that I come across every once in awhile where I feel like my heart is going to explode into rainbows and sunshines because I'm it's so full of love. It's incredibly cheesy, but it's an amazing feeling.

As a mom, a single mom, there are moments when you feel like you can't answer one more "But why?" question, you can't change one more diaper, you can't tell someone to eat dinner one more freaking time, you can't pick the spoon up off the floor for the 438593405843095th time. Then there are days when you feel like everything short of unicorns are flying out of your kids' asses because they are so wonderful. Unfortunately, the unicorn flying days don't come near as often as the mommy-does-not-like days. So I really like to relish in the unicorn flying days.

I haven't talked specifically about the kids in awhile... so get ready.

A's three favorite non-children oriented songs right now are "Swing" by Savage and Soulja Boy, Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright or Jeff Beck and If You're Gonna Play in Texas by Alabama. I love that her taste in music is completely random and off the wall because that is completely how mine is. She talks... OH she talks all the time. She has developed a Texas twang, but living with my mom and myself, she really didn't have a snowball's chance in Hell of not developing one. A lot of the questions she asks don't seem like something a nearly 4 year old should be pondering. She's inquisitive and I love it, even if it means I have to answer a billion and one questions a day. I try and answer her questions to the best of my abilities but I'll admit there are times when my response is "I. Don't. Know." She is sweet and caring and wants everyone to be her friend. She gets along amazingly well with adults. All the teachers at her school love her and she invites them all to come sleep in her bed (which is my bed) for a big party. One of the teachers told A it was her birthday on Saturday and A told the teacher she was going to go buy her some flowers. She is an amazing big sister. AMAZING. She likes to play disciplinarian with C, so I have to watch that. If I get on to him about something and she catches him doing it, she'll swat at his hand or wag her finger at him and give him a stern talking to. She's extremely maternal, which makes my heart soar. She takes after my mom A LOT personality wise and my mom's not the most nurturing of people, so I like that she possesses the strong female side of my mother but also has a soft side to her. The kid is stubborn as all hell. Dinner time is absolutely ridiculous. She could go days without eating and you could put a huge bowl of her favorite food in front of her and tell her to eat and she will go on a hunger strike out of principle. She will eat when she damn well pleases to apparently. I've had to be a little bit more strict with her eating habits as we are not living in a third world country and should not be training for our new life in Ethiopia. She's very open with her emotions and I'm completely dreading the teenage years because, you know, that whole extremely emotionally expressive at THREE bodes well for ten years down the road. She'll hear a song that's mellow and get really solemn about it. It amazes me how intensely she feels. I will never get tired of her telling me that I'm "a berry berry good mommy."

I knew that there would be a difference with the two kids. They're two different people and one's a boy and one's a girl. I never knew how dramatically different my feelings for them would be. I love them both with my whole heart, but the relationship or bond or something that I can't put my finger on is just so insanely different. A has always been so independent, from the time she was born she was doing her own thing and everyone else was along for the ride. C is the complete opposite. He's content to hop aboard and go for the ride, no need to conduct it. A has a complete Type A personality and C is a total Type B personality. It makes me laugh because A looks just like me and C looks just like M, but as far as their personalities go... complete opposite.

C is my buddy. The word "mama" comes out of his mouth 95% of the time he's chattering about and it is awesome. He loves to make people laugh and is into this thing where he'll make himself fall down on purpose and make this noise that sounds like it should be coming out of a surfer's mouth when he wipes out. The kid LOVES music. Dancing With the Stars was on last night and he was spinning around in circles with his hands up in the air, just performing right along with them. I've turned him into quite the football fan. Anytime anyone cheers during a football game on TV his arms automatically go up to signal a TD and he says "Tu-down!" He also is very good at getting his guns up and shaking his hand at the TV while yelling "Go go go!" He's a lot more hesitant than A was. I know you're not supposed to compare your kids, but how can you not? A jumps into everything head first without looking back... C likes to take his time with things. The boy loves boobs. LOVES them. He loves people with boobs and the bigger, the better. There's a lady at their school that has huge, insanely big boobs and 90% of the afternoons that I go to pick them up, his nuzzled up in her chest just happy as can be. No doubt that kid is going to be a boob man. He's started to do this drama queen thing that is so ridiculous though. When he's not getting what he wants or something isn't working the way he wants to or life as a nearly 17 month old just gets too overwhelming he'll throw himself on the floor and lay on his back and just wail like the world is coming to an end. I treat these episodes much like I did when A had them... by looking at him and walking away. I figure everyone likes to have a pity party every once in awhile and that's just C's version of a pity party. He runs with his arms swung behind him like he's trying to be as aerodynamic as possible, hoping he grows out of that. He wants to be outside 24 hours of the day and when he's inside and it's still light out, he goes to the window and just watches outside. There's no way I can get just an apartment when I move out, I'm gonna have to rent a house, with a yard. He loves animals and he loves sitting in small C-sized chairs. He has a blankie, officially. He has to have to it when he gets out of bed and when he gets in bed and preferably within close range during all the other hours of the day. He'll grab it and throw it on the ground and then throw himself on top of it and just bury his face in it. Cutest thing ever. When he's not cuddling with it, he's biting it with his teeth like a puppy. He's absolutely all boy and is ornery already. He knows what he is and isn't supposed to get into, but he still gets into it, while looking right at you, and smiling. It's infuriating and adorable all at the same time. He "jumps" by bending his legs and popping up really fast... I wouldn't say he has mad hops yet.

People that I talk to that have gone through a divorce without kids always tell me how much harder it must be with kids. Financially, it's gonna be harder, but really... I bet it's infinitely harder to go through a divorce without kids. With the kids around there's something to focus your energy on, there's a constant reason to keep moving forward... A and C have been my true North and I know without them this whole thing, these past 4 years would've been infinitely harder and I honestly may not have made it out alive. I love them for that and I love that I will always always have something incredible, two somethings!, that I've done right in my life.