Summertime and the living's easy...

Holy crap... over 3 months since my last post. I guess I've been kind of busy, or something.

Let's see...

Germy Germ (Jerm, Bachelor Man) and I are absolutely magically wonderful. We went to a concert in Austin at the beginning of March and the dynamic of our relationship changed completely. The "L Bomb" was dropped and it seems like we've been running forward ever since.

We're fixing up a house on my BIL's property and plan on moving in the first of July.

Also, I've picked out a ring...

The wedding wouldn't be until late Spring/early Summer next year, so that's a good thing... put a little bit of time into it so we're not jumping into something.

He is amazing with the kids and his kids are amazing. I'm actually staying at home with all FOUR kids during the summer.

Which brings me to my summer vacation... so far I have spent the first two days of playing stay at home mommy in my swim suit for 90% of the time. Germy and I are going to Austin for a show July 1st, then it's the lake for our family reunion that weekend, then Dallas for a vacation with all 6 of us which includes the Jonas Brothers/Demi Lovato/Camp Rock tour... plus random little trips. It's slightly insane keeping track of all four kids, plus my niece when she comes over, but I think after a couple weeks, I'll have it down. Having a swimming pool and living out on 15 acres of land doesn't hurt.

Things with M are... strained to say the least. I talked to one of his best friends that works for the VA and he wants to get him into a rehab facility. While he's not drinking, he's definitely dependent on prescriptions (anti depressants, xanax, some other stuff). M's pulling the act where he saying he's hiring a lawyer and taking me to court and he's going for custody of the kids and at this point, I almost think that him doing that would be a good thing. At least he wouldn't be able to say that he didn't get a fair shake if I was awarded the kids... again (which I'm 99.9% sure I would be). It just pisses me off that he had the opportunity to take part in the divorce proceedings the first time around and chose not to and is forever pissed with the outcome, even though he didn't screwed over in the slightest. M's buddy told me that he thinks that M is finally realizing that he doesn't have anybody to blame except himself for his current situation and that he's not liking that realization, probably because it means he'd have to take responsibility for something and Lord knows he doesn't know how to do that.

I'm feeling the urge to go back to school again. I know. I know. I know. 47th time's a charm right? I think I'm going to try and take whatever classes online that I can and kind of ease back into the school thing. Every time I tried to get back in, I did what I always do and went completely balls to the wall... 21 hours in one semester while pregnant? NOT. SMART. Germy should be making enough money that by the time I'm ready to hit the books full time on campus that I could probably do that without having to work and that would help A. LOT. I'm going to finish up cosmetology, but I definitely have my sights set on something a little bit more intellectually stimulating.

How I don't know what I should do with my hands when I talk to you. How you don't know where you should look, so you look at my hands. -Pamphleteer

I should really make our meetings more frequent.

It's a snow day outside. Huzzah!

I'm so burnt out on school and realize that I have less than a third of my hours to get but I feel like there is no. end. in. sight. and I am over it. The salon is slow and if I have to do one more gah damn thing on a mannequin I will scream. Thus, I am embracing snow day even if it means being holed up with the children folk who apparently snorted lines of crack when I wasn't looking and are indulging in their new favorite hobby of tattling. Woooooooooooooo!

In other news...

Bachelor Man and I are getting along very well. We had a fabulous first date at a lovely restaurant and have proceeded to hang out every night since then, except for Friday when I went to go see the Randy Rogers Band.

It seems this is how I roll with relationships. Just thrust myself full on in there.

He's been around the kids minimally still. He comes over either right before they go to bed, right after they go to bed or when M has them. Last night he was over watching a movie with me and C woke up. Normally, if that happens late at night I'll just shut it down and go lay down in bed with C, but I couldn't so much do that. I got C out of his crib and put him on the couch with the two of us. I was laying in Bachelor Man's lap and C laid all his blankets on my lap and burrowed in.

Dating with kids is so odd. I can't help but look at a little moment like that and wonder if this will be the guy that will be a main male figure in the kids' lives. Will this be the guy that helps A learn how to ride a bike? That will teach C how to drum (he's a drummer)? That will meet A's first date at the door and tell him to have A back by midnight? That will teach C how to shave or give him "the talk" before his first date with a girl?

I know it's only a month in, but I'm tired of pursuing relationships with people and giving them my heart and then things falling through after I'm already in it. I'm not saying that I'm looking for Number 2, but if I'm gonna date someone, I at least want to be semi-sure that I would be okay with them being in my kids' lives for a substantial period of time.

Meh, I'm just enjoying it for right now. He's much more on my level personality/interest wise than my past endeavors. Once again, we shall see...

My kids are so freakin adorable. A just walked in here wearing her Sleeping Beauty dress and told me she was sorry she was late because her dance was taking too long. Then she wanted to show me her "prince" who just happens to be C. C is just following her around as she keeps his ass in line. Hilarious. A also apparently got fed up with M's unusual chattiness last weekend that she told him "for the love of God will you please be quiet." Have no clue where she got that from...

I need to go on a diet like Fo' Real. My winter coat keeps expanding and I'm not doing a damn thing to stop it, which needs to change, otherwise summer is not going to be pretty.

So, it looks like I'll be making a move out to my pop's in March. I haven't quite yet broached that subject with the moms, but I feel that this will be the best for everyone involved. I'm pretty excited actually. I can not believe how wonderful it's been since Daddy's come back in my life.

Wow... so, long time, no post...

I am officially divorced... as of Nov 20th.

It. Is. Glorious!

M still has his days when he wants to spew hate at me and when he wants me to be his friend. It's a very rough rollercoaster ride and perhaps it's my fault that I can't just disregard his need for me in his life. He has no support from his father and he's never been the type to confide in his guy friends. I am still very at peace for proceeding with the divorce and I know I'm in a much much better place, but I still want the best for M and if that means I'm a shoulder to lean on every once in awhile... I'm all right with that. Fortunately, the less than charming words are becoming much easier to brush off.

Mr Man and I are still going strong. Still have yet to have "the talk" but at this point I think it's pretty moot. He had to go out of town on short notice and needed someone to stay at the house with his son and I did. I've spent quite a bit of time with both of his kids... but I'm taking it very very slowly when it comes to A and C. They've both met him, but the amount of time they've spent with him is maybe an hour, collectively. A knows him as "my friend" and I'm good with that.

I don't know where this will wind up and I'm trying to not think too far in the future. I'm enjoying getting to know him and I like the fact that I have someone to randomly text throughout the day and when I need it... gripe to. He makes me very happy and he's a very good spooner. For now, that's good enough.

On a related and exciting note, he's taking me to Inn of the Mountain Gods for New Years' weekend. We're going snowboarding. I just hope I don't bring serious injury to myself considering the fact I have no insurance. Oh boy!

The kids are doing fabulously. C has really started adding a lot of words to his vocabulary. It seems his frustration level has somewhat risen and I think it's partly because he's so close to being able to communicate with actual words but his vocabulary is still limited. He is so amazing though... such a loving, happy boy (when he's not screeching). It still amazes me the difference in the relationship with him and A... equally as satisfying... yet completely different.

A is getting so big. She's a little kid now... not a toddler. I look at her sometimes and I'm like WHOA... when did you get so big?! She's still stubborn, stubborn, stubborn, stubborn, stubborn and she pushes her boundaries. Oh my GOD she pushes my buttons. At the same time, I love the fact that she'll carry this trait (hopefully in a productive manner) and not be a female that bows down, but rather stands up for what she believes in. For all her steadfastness/headstrong/stubbornness she is still insanely affectionate and so loving and has a very empathetic side to her.

Christmas is next week and it's a little bittersweet. I can't wait to see the magic of it through A's eyes again. I'll get the kids Christmas Eve and M gets them Christmas morning through Jan 3. I've always liked Christmas Eve more... so I'm happy that's my night. However, Christmas day will be... different. Mama is going out of town that morning and the kids will be gone and I'll be... alone. Mr Man will be out of town with his family. It just makes me wish I had brothers and sisters and what not that would be able to distract me so that I wouldn't be doing that day by myself. I mean, I have Daddy and what not but being as how they are J-Dubs... not real festive people on Christmas.

School is going well... the end is nearing and I'm excited/anxious. I wish I knew for sure what my job was going to be and that it was secured.

"Ain't that just like the present to be showing up like that?" -Bon Iver

Sick kids... no fun.

Actually, I don't think C is sick. He's either teething or generally pissed off about life or having some kind of strange mid-infancy/toddler crisis. Basically, it's like being at home with a hormonal teenager/menopausal woman/angry drunk little old man. Fortunately when he's having his good moments he cheeses it up and makes me remember to "take a break don't shake."

A is puke-y. No fever and she's in a generally good disposition. I told her she was doing a good job by throwing up in the potty and she turned to me as she was closing the lid and said, "Well thank you!" Like it was some huge compliment she'd been waiting for all night.

She's laying in bed watching Disney. C is asleep in the stroller in the living room. Yesterday he didn't want to be set down at all and hello, I am a wee person with no upper body strength and dude is a chunk! After carrying him around for, no lie, 3 hours and trying to decide how to quiet the possessed child that I was on the verge of breaking up with I remembered how M's mom said she would walk him around in a stroller at night to get him to calm down. Holy mother of Jesus! It worked. We did some laps yesterday and he never called it a night. This morning though, right after breakfast when he wanted to be held immediately after getting out of his chair, I busted out that stroller... did some laps and wham bam thank you ma'am... the kid is snoozing.

It's overwhelming at times doing this single mom gig... especially when I know that the more days I miss of school the further back I'm pushing my final day... which means the further away from a viable income I am. I'm really just trying to take on the obstacles as they come instead of getting all bent out of shape. Yes, school's gonna take a little bit longer (like a month or two). Yes, my bills are... well, we're not even going to talk about those. Life is not perfect, but as I sit here in the house with the rain coming down outside, Bon Iver on the stereo, my precious kids sick... but still being amazing... I am content.

"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gold." -Kid Cudi

So... BB is back with his wife. Ha! I may or may have been doing some creepin' on myspace and discovered that for myself. More power to them for trying to make their family work out, but I'm pretty sure that was the reason for the break up and I wish he would've just been honest with me about it instead of using my kids as an excuse. LAME!

I had a bittersweet moment with M on Sunday. He came to get the kids for a bit because it was his grandmother's birthday. He came inside to use the bathroom and he was killing time before heading out to family fun time and we were just sitting on the couch with the kids, talking, shooting the shit... just like old times. It's so comfortable with him. When he was leaving he gave me a hug and I remembered how perfectly I fit there, in that hug, with him.

It could've made me sad and it could've made me doubt my decision, but it didn't. If anything, it made my heart kind of happy. I know that M is still M and he still has his issues and those issues are what stands in the way of us having a happy, healthy marriage. I've been so caught up in just getting this divorce over with that I think I had forgotten the feelings I once had for M. Sunday reminded me that at one point I was madly, madly in love with him and that A and C were most definitely created by two people who loved each other dearly. At least I can tell A and C that with whole hearted honesty. I need someone to lean on for support and that will share the burden of finances, child care... everything. M hasn't been able to give me that for a long time and he can't right now and isn't really making an effort to change his way of life. I miss the way I fit in his arms and I miss having that comfortability, ease, assurance in a partner. I don't miss the fights, the stress, the tears. I'm still 100% sure of my decision... but I still miss the good M.

C is teething and has been a hot screaming mess since Friday evening. I feel like I am living with a foreign exchange student. He can not communicate to me what he wants and he gets pissed off and I get frustrated because I can not make my baby happy and it's just awful. I have like a 60% success rate of picking up the actual object he wants, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know what he wants so I feel like I'm doing exceptional in my interpretation skills.

A turns 4 on Saturday. Holy shit. Where did the time go? I'm not gonna have a baby and a toddler anymore... I'm gonna have a baby/almost toddler and a kid. I'm just kind of speechless and if I try and get out any thoughts I'm gonna start getting all nostalgic and weepy and I'm already about to lose my shit due to the angry drunk old man that has currently possessed my son's body... so I'll just leave it at that.

"I spend my life on this broken crutch and you believe I can fly." -Hayes Carll

This week has been hellacious. It has been a rollarcoaster of emotions.

Basically, Sunday afternoon I brought down M's house of cards made up of all his lies. I did it because M has absolutely nothing going for him. I think he needs inpatient help somewhere and if he's going to be in my kids' life, I want him to have a positive influence.

In response to that, he wrote me a suicide email, which he didn't follow through with. Now I'm on his most hated list. You know, it's whatever. I'm not trying to fuck up his life. I'm not trying to make him out to be the bad guy... I just want him to get help. He's been lying to his family for so so long and now that they know what's really going on, I'm cutting all ties with M. I'll only deal with him if it's directly related to the kids... otherwise, I'm out.

I had a job interview at HEB. Oh the lows I have reached when I'm 26 and applying at HEB. Once again, it's whatever. I'll make a little money. Pay some bills, help out with day care. I actually think I may somewhat enjoy it. It's people watching at it's finest; getting to see what people buy and what not. I'm trying to be optimistic about it. I'll have to play with my hours so that I'm not missing out on too much time with my kids... try and fit one weekend off so that I can see BB.

I asked him if I got a job that required me to work most weekends if he would still love me and not break up with me. He said I was silly, so I guess that means he'll stick around.

His temporary hearing is on the 24th and he's going for custody of his son. If he gets custody, that house is going to be insane. I absolutely can not wait for it. I love his kids.

A is obsessed with princesses and talks about them constantly. Today she was pretending to be Belle and Lamby was a prince that was going to rescue her. When her "prince" rescued her she gave him a huge hug and spun around and the look on her face gave me a peek 1o years (God, please let it at least be 10 years) in the future when she gets that puppy love over some silly boy who will inevitably be a silly boy and dick her over.

I can't believe my little girl is growing up this fast. I want to stop time. Cs all about his mama right now and is just giggly and happy. A is imaginative and friendly and wears her heart on her sleeve. She talks and talks and talks. I don't want them to change. I don't want C to become a nasty, stinky boy. I don't want A to be all bitchy and hormonal.

My goal is just to be as positive as possible. Find the silver lining in everything... you know, the usual.

"We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.” -Calvin and Hobbes

I'm in a shitty mood and I'm trying to unfunkify my day.

Not going so well.

I've spent 75% of this week trying not to vomit due to some unknown bug that I caught from who knows where.

BB was supposed to come in today, but apparently he managed to contract the same bug I had. Today's appearance is a no go. More than likely, I'll see him tomorrow so I should just suck it up. I just haven't seen him in almost three weeks and I got used to seeing him every week there for a bit. I miss his ass.

This is why I don't like expectations. I tried this whole optimistic business but goodness gracious, I hate getting disappointed. I'd rather plan on not seeing him again until I move up there (if I move up there) in January. Then everytime I saw him in between now and then would just be a welcome surprise. Kind of a defeatist attitude, but whatever.

Then M had to be an ass and bring up what a shit move it was me moving the kids' furniture out of the house MONTHS ago. Okay, yeah that sucks that the kids' don't have their furniture up in Lubbock anymore, but myself or my mom purchased all their furniture, he let the kids' rooms stay trashed and I'm not going to let their stuff be ruined. It just pisses me off that the one outright semi-shitty thing that I did in our whole marriage has to be brung up continuously.

Nevermind the dozens of days/nights that he stayed out drinking and came home belligerantly drunk while I had to put the kids to bed and get them up without his help... nevermind the horrible things he told me... nevermind the fact that when I told him that all I needed from him to make me stay was to at least act like he gave a shit and he couldn't do that. I don't throw that in his face.

As far as I'm concerned, the day that I filed for divorce, the past was the past. I want what's best for him and I want him to get better. I don't want to run him into the ground by constantly bringing up his failures...

Maybe it makes him feel better because I'm actually on track to doing something with my life and I'm handling my business while he's sitting in the house doing absolutely NOTHING.

I think my iTunes is on a conspiracy to try and make my mood suck worse because it's picking some really depressing songs to listen to.

Damn the man, yo.

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

Last night, I was laying in bed, A was cuddled up next to me and I could hear C squirming in his sleep. I found myself wondering how in the world I ever got so lucky. Here I am, sharing a room with my two kids in my mother's house. I have not a cent to my name, I'm in the middle of a divorce with a boyfriend living 5 hours away... yet I still feel like I am so insanely blessed.

Even when M and I had money in the bank and all the little pieces of the puzzle seemed like they were fitting together I never remember feeling this content. I never remember stopping and just taking a survey of my life and feeling utterly satisfied with it.

M is in need of a lot of help. I'm dreading this little family conference, especially because I know it's going to break his dad's heart. You know, I'm probably going to be blamed for not bringing every detail to light, but whatever... put all the blame on me if it will get M some help.

I want to help him, but I'm still pissed off that I still have to take care of his ass. Feels like all I've done for the majority of the last 4 years is take care of his ass or cover his ass.

BB comes down this weekend and he is pumped to meet the kids. I am elated. I know I'm going to fall in love with him all over again when I see him with my kids. He is such a good dad to his own, I know that he'll be good to my babies.

"Love is not love until love's vulnerable." -Theodore Roethke

When M was overseas I worried about losing him. I prepared myself mentally for his absence should the worst possible scenario occur. That was the only time that I was ever fearful of him not being around. Even at the worst points of our marriage, when I knew that divorce was probably inevitable, it wasn't something that I never really feared. I guess I was so afraid of losing him overseas because my kids would be losing their father and that is something that would absolutely break my heart.

With BB I have this vulnerability, this realization, that despite how wonderful things are right now... that doesn't mean that things are going to pan out. Maybe it's the fact that I went into mine and M's marriage with as much optimism as I could muster, even though in the back of my mind, I knew it was a crapshoot. Maybe it's because we live 5 hours away and sometimes I need just a hug, Hell, a pat on the back to let me know that he's still totally into this as I am. Our conversations reflect that things are perfectly fine, but I've always been an actions, not words type of person.

I don't ever remember feeling almost scared of losing someone emotionally. I've talked to BB briefly about it, but I also want him to know that I am secure in this whole long distance relationship, because I am. It's just a whole new territory. I love that I feel this strongly for someone... that I've let my heart open up so much after it was devastated by everything M put me through. I also hate that this could all come back and totally bite me in the ass.

I stopped messing with music there for a long time... the only time I would really listen to it was when I was in the car. I have rediscovered by love for music and I'm so happy. I have headphones in my ear for most of the day at school and the kids and I listen to music during dinner and before they go to bed. A, poor girl, is most likely tone deaf, but C has almost perfect pitch. It's insane. Insane. Every melodic sound he hears, he imitates and it is right on. I am absolutely in awe everytime he does it.

Some people dream of their kids being doctors, lawyers, professional athletes... I dream of my kids being rock stars.