"I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know. Make my wish come true, all I want for Christmas is you..."

Best. Christmas. Song. Ever. Mariah Carey's version, OF COURSE.

It's been hard getting in the holiday spirit this year. My favorite part of Christmas is figuring out the PERFECT present for each person and then seeing their face when they open it and instead of the, ".... ohhh, you shouldn't have... really... you shouldn't have" look, they have the "Holy crap! How did you know?!" look.

Due to my non existent monies that I have, I don't think I'll be able to pull that off for anyone. I'm gonna download some new CDs I know my mom will like so that I can put something in her stocking and have the kids draw her some pictures. I feel if anyone in my life deserves a little present, it's her. God bless her for keeping us around.

I'm working all next week (minus New Years' Day) so at least I'll have a little money from that. Good lord, I can not tell you how much I want a job.

I'm starting to feel more holly, jolly and bright, in spite of the lack of gifts. I started my period so this horrible mood that I had been in finally went away. Whenever I start getting a little frustrated with the kids, I try and take a breather and remind myself that they are only 4 and 19 months. And my God, they are so cute and wonderful that it makes a lot easier to like them. Haha...

It's starting to come to the period where when I think back to where I was a year ago, it won't entail being in Lubbock as a family any more. I can't believe it. This time last year I was throwing myself into Christmas as part of my "fake it til you make it" plan. Things with M and I were all right, though strained. I knew that if just a couple things went wrong that it would be the end of us. Fortunately, he was kind enough to wait until after Christmas for the couple of things to go wrong.

Speaking of M... he's still in love with me and would do anything and go anywhere to prove that point to me. It breaks my heart, honestly. I wish that I could even try to reciprocate the feelings, try and give him another shot... but once I'm done... I'm done. I just want him to find someone that inspires him and makes him happy. Someone that he wants to pull all the strings together and get back on track. I know as well as the next guy how much unrequited love SUCKS and I don't want M to have to go through that. He deserves better than that.

As for the other man in my life, Mr Man invited me to crash their family gathering for Christmas since the kids and my mom will be out of town. If Mama winds up going that way with her man, than I'll probably hitch a ride and go hang out... otherwise I may just hang out here.... doing... nothing.

Other than that, due to the happiness in my relationship I have put on several lbs so I'm trying to not completely pig out like I've been doing so that when we go to Ruidoso for New Years weekend I don't look like a complete cow. I'd like to start 2010 looking halfway decent. Less than 10 days before this GOD FORSAKEN YEAR is OVER!

Wow... so, long time, no post...

I am officially divorced... as of Nov 20th.

It. Is. Glorious!

M still has his days when he wants to spew hate at me and when he wants me to be his friend. It's a very rough rollercoaster ride and perhaps it's my fault that I can't just disregard his need for me in his life. He has no support from his father and he's never been the type to confide in his guy friends. I am still very at peace for proceeding with the divorce and I know I'm in a much much better place, but I still want the best for M and if that means I'm a shoulder to lean on every once in awhile... I'm all right with that. Fortunately, the less than charming words are becoming much easier to brush off.

Mr Man and I are still going strong. Still have yet to have "the talk" but at this point I think it's pretty moot. He had to go out of town on short notice and needed someone to stay at the house with his son and I did. I've spent quite a bit of time with both of his kids... but I'm taking it very very slowly when it comes to A and C. They've both met him, but the amount of time they've spent with him is maybe an hour, collectively. A knows him as "my friend" and I'm good with that.

I don't know where this will wind up and I'm trying to not think too far in the future. I'm enjoying getting to know him and I like the fact that I have someone to randomly text throughout the day and when I need it... gripe to. He makes me very happy and he's a very good spooner. For now, that's good enough.

On a related and exciting note, he's taking me to Inn of the Mountain Gods for New Years' weekend. We're going snowboarding. I just hope I don't bring serious injury to myself considering the fact I have no insurance. Oh boy!

The kids are doing fabulously. C has really started adding a lot of words to his vocabulary. It seems his frustration level has somewhat risen and I think it's partly because he's so close to being able to communicate with actual words but his vocabulary is still limited. He is so amazing though... such a loving, happy boy (when he's not screeching). It still amazes me the difference in the relationship with him and A... equally as satisfying... yet completely different.

A is getting so big. She's a little kid now... not a toddler. I look at her sometimes and I'm like WHOA... when did you get so big?! She's still stubborn, stubborn, stubborn, stubborn, stubborn and she pushes her boundaries. Oh my GOD she pushes my buttons. At the same time, I love the fact that she'll carry this trait (hopefully in a productive manner) and not be a female that bows down, but rather stands up for what she believes in. For all her steadfastness/headstrong/stubbornness she is still insanely affectionate and so loving and has a very empathetic side to her.

Christmas is next week and it's a little bittersweet. I can't wait to see the magic of it through A's eyes again. I'll get the kids Christmas Eve and M gets them Christmas morning through Jan 3. I've always liked Christmas Eve more... so I'm happy that's my night. However, Christmas day will be... different. Mama is going out of town that morning and the kids will be gone and I'll be... alone. Mr Man will be out of town with his family. It just makes me wish I had brothers and sisters and what not that would be able to distract me so that I wouldn't be doing that day by myself. I mean, I have Daddy and what not but being as how they are J-Dubs... not real festive people on Christmas.

School is going well... the end is nearing and I'm excited/anxious. I wish I knew for sure what my job was going to be and that it was secured.