It's been hard getting in the holiday spirit this year. My favorite part of Christmas is figuring out the PERFECT present for each person and then seeing their face when they open it and instead of the, ".... ohhh, you shouldn't have... really... you shouldn't have" look, they have the "Holy crap! How did you know?!" look.
Due to my non existent monies that I have, I don't think I'll be able to pull that off for anyone. I'm gonna download some new CDs I know my mom will like so that I can put something in her stocking and have the kids draw her some pictures. I feel if anyone in my life deserves a little present, it's her. God bless her for keeping us around.
I'm working all next week (minus New Years' Day) so at least I'll have a little money from that. Good lord, I can not tell you how much I want a job.
I'm starting to feel more holly, jolly and bright, in spite of the lack of gifts. I started my period so this horrible mood that I had been in finally went away. Whenever I start getting a little frustrated with the kids, I try and take a breather and remind myself that they are only 4 and 19 months. And my God, they are so cute and wonderful that it makes a lot easier to like them. Haha...
It's starting to come to the period where when I think back to where I was a year ago, it won't entail being in Lubbock as a family any more. I can't believe it. This time last year I was throwing myself into Christmas as part of my "fake it til you make it" plan. Things with M and I were all right, though strained. I knew that if just a couple things went wrong that it would be the end of us. Fortunately, he was kind enough to wait until after Christmas for the couple of things to go wrong.
Speaking of M... he's still in love with me and would do anything and go anywhere to prove that point to me. It breaks my heart, honestly. I wish that I could even try to reciprocate the feelings, try and give him another shot... but once I'm done... I'm done. I just want him to find someone that inspires him and makes him happy. Someone that he wants to pull all the strings together and get back on track. I know as well as the next guy how much unrequited love SUCKS and I don't want M to have to go through that. He deserves better than that.
As for the other man in my life, Mr Man invited me to crash their family gathering for Christmas since the kids and my mom will be out of town. If Mama winds up going that way with her man, than I'll probably hitch a ride and go hang out... otherwise I may just hang out here.... doing... nothing.
Other than that, due to the happiness in my relationship I have put on several lbs so I'm trying to not completely pig out like I've been doing so that when we go to Ruidoso for New Years weekend I don't look like a complete cow. I'd like to start 2010 looking halfway decent. Less than 10 days before this GOD FORSAKEN YEAR is OVER!
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