How long can you pray and still not see a change? I faithfully remain. -Faithfully Remain/Ben Harper

I just watched the most retarded movie ever, "Wedding Daze", but it made me get a big "what if" in my mind. The two main characters decide on a whim to get married after a spontaneous proposal from the lead male within seconds of meeting the lead female.

The completely illogical, spontaneous side of me wants to just go get married to the next dude that I click with during introductions. Honestly, if I didn't have kids, it wouldn't be so hard to imagine myself doing that. At this point in my life, I feel like marriage is such a crap shoot anyway.

I mean, M and I looked good on paper, but in reality... not so much.

I invested my emotions in BB and Mr Man and wound up getting royally screwed on both of those.

Guess I'm just a little on the bitter side when it comes to relationships. Mr Man messed with me more than I initially thought. I miss him. I miss curling up in bed with him. I miss talking about random crap together. I miss being able to text him my random thoughts throughout the day. Ugh... so frustrating. I feel like I just got written off and yet, I can't help thinking that last Valentine's Day I was having dinner at Wall Street and then going to Jaguar's with him. That was the BEST V-Day ever.

I have a date on Thursday with my brother in law's buddy. He just turned 34, has two girls (6 and 8), a good job... Here's the kicker though, while he has been in relationships (he was with his baby mama until a year or so ago, they never got married) he has never formally courted a girl. Which means, this will be his first formal first date. Oh Em Gee.

Like, seriously? I honestly can not do anything the easy way. I can't just find a normal dude, with a normal dating history, with no kids or if he has kids, manages to have a normal relationship with baby mama, with a good job, with no mental problems, who manages to act like a grown ass man. I guess when you start dating guys that are older then you start dating people that are prone to have a bit more of a "history" than guys in their younger 20s.

My BIL assures me that Bachelor Man is a good guy and I'm sure he is, but Jesus Christ... I was also M's first formal relationship and look at how well that one turned out.

I'm just rolling with it and right now we're just hanging out as friends. I think the most physical contact we've had is me patting him on the leg after the Superbowl because the Colts lost. Should be interesting...

I can handle a lot, But one thing I'm missing is in your eyes. - Eyes/Rogue Waves

Mr Man and I are no mas.

I'm saddened.

I wrote an email basically calling him out on his MIA-ness in a very well worded, non dramatic way.

He responded, acknowledging his asshole-y, douche baggy behavior and said, "Apparently I am horrible at relationships, prioritizing, and caring about anyone other myself... You are a truly awesome girls and deserve more that I can give." Which when it all comes down is basically, "It's not you... it's me."

I let myself have real feelings for him AND on top of that, got attached to his kids.

And now... I'm sick (kidney stone, kidney infection) and single.

This is probably what I need to do. Be single, not sick.

But it SUCKS.

And let's be honest here... the soon to be dry spell I'm about to hit is not going to be any ball park either.

The only dude that is showing remote interest me is my ex husband.

My prospects are non existent being as how all the guys I associate with are of the homosexual persuasion.

Which, in a slightly related note, I have promised one of my eggs to a beautiful bisexual Puerto Rican should he not have children by 35 because he is convinced we would have the most beautiful babies ever.

Dear Lord, what has my life become?

Put down your sword and crown / Come lay with me on the ground - Moth's Wings / Passion Pit

Oh life... you are one confusing mother.

Things with Mr Man are... complicated? I got so used to spending so much time with him over the Christmas holidays, which I should've known wasn't going to be par for the course. I didn't have the kids, I didn't have school, the oil field pretty much shuts down...

Anyhow, January rolled around and life got back to normal and I've seen Mr Man twice since the Monday after New Year's. Once for about an hour on a Monday night, then last weekend when we went to the rodeo with my dad and step mom and C.

I talked to him about it... it's not that he's checking out, he's just got a lot of shit to do. He's kind of a big deal at the office and that means that people depend on him, which equals lots of pressure. In theory, I understand all that. And I've tried to stop being the needy girl, but it's getting a little bit old. Especially when I don't know if I'll see him this weekend since I have the kids... (he tends to be scarce during my weekends with my kids... even though I hang out with him no prob when he has his kids), he's supposed to go to Houston for some marketing conference thing next weekend and then I'm going to Ft Stockton the weekend after that... so yeah... that's three weekends without anything?

I understand he's busy. I understand he has work commitments. I just want him to think enough of me that he sets aside time for me because he wants to. I don't want to just be the excess baggage that gets thrown to the side whenever work and his kids start taking up more of his free time. I don't want to be the backburner girl... I want to be a priority. I don't need him to drop everything for me, but... shit...

I feel like I'm letting him have the best of both worlds. He gets to go about his business without worrying about me, but at the same time knows that if he were to text me today and ask to come over tonight, I'd say yes... no problem. Personally, I think I deserve more than that.

Then... there's M. Oh M. He wants another chance so badly I can taste it. After being out in the dating world for about a year, I'm starting to wonder if that isn't such a bad idea after all. Honestly, if M moved down here and finished school/got a job (preferably both) and got his mental shit straightened out... I think things could actually work. Maybe... I dunno.

Maybe I'm just so jaded on the dating scene that I'm going back to my safety. I know M loves me more than anything in the world and that at one point in time I felt the same, so how hard could it be to get back to that point?

GAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

I think I just need to quit the dating thing for awhile and concentrate on the kids and I. I really haven't been single this whole past year and perhaps I need to figure out what I really want/need instead of just jumping from guy to guy.

I also think M needs to go out and experience different relationships before he just decides I'm the shit. It would devastate me if we did wind up getting back together (which is a far far far cry from actually happening) and then 15 years down the road he's like Oh wow... there's other women out there.

I also probably need my period to just go ahead and start because these hormones are a-ragin' and they are making me slightly emotional/crazy.

Wow... so, long time, no post...

I am officially divorced... as of Nov 20th.

It. Is. Glorious!

M still has his days when he wants to spew hate at me and when he wants me to be his friend. It's a very rough rollercoaster ride and perhaps it's my fault that I can't just disregard his need for me in his life. He has no support from his father and he's never been the type to confide in his guy friends. I am still very at peace for proceeding with the divorce and I know I'm in a much much better place, but I still want the best for M and if that means I'm a shoulder to lean on every once in awhile... I'm all right with that. Fortunately, the less than charming words are becoming much easier to brush off.

Mr Man and I are still going strong. Still have yet to have "the talk" but at this point I think it's pretty moot. He had to go out of town on short notice and needed someone to stay at the house with his son and I did. I've spent quite a bit of time with both of his kids... but I'm taking it very very slowly when it comes to A and C. They've both met him, but the amount of time they've spent with him is maybe an hour, collectively. A knows him as "my friend" and I'm good with that.

I don't know where this will wind up and I'm trying to not think too far in the future. I'm enjoying getting to know him and I like the fact that I have someone to randomly text throughout the day and when I need it... gripe to. He makes me very happy and he's a very good spooner. For now, that's good enough.

On a related and exciting note, he's taking me to Inn of the Mountain Gods for New Years' weekend. We're going snowboarding. I just hope I don't bring serious injury to myself considering the fact I have no insurance. Oh boy!

The kids are doing fabulously. C has really started adding a lot of words to his vocabulary. It seems his frustration level has somewhat risen and I think it's partly because he's so close to being able to communicate with actual words but his vocabulary is still limited. He is so amazing though... such a loving, happy boy (when he's not screeching). It still amazes me the difference in the relationship with him and A... equally as satisfying... yet completely different.

A is getting so big. She's a little kid now... not a toddler. I look at her sometimes and I'm like WHOA... when did you get so big?! She's still stubborn, stubborn, stubborn, stubborn, stubborn and she pushes her boundaries. Oh my GOD she pushes my buttons. At the same time, I love the fact that she'll carry this trait (hopefully in a productive manner) and not be a female that bows down, but rather stands up for what she believes in. For all her steadfastness/headstrong/stubbornness she is still insanely affectionate and so loving and has a very empathetic side to her.

Christmas is next week and it's a little bittersweet. I can't wait to see the magic of it through A's eyes again. I'll get the kids Christmas Eve and M gets them Christmas morning through Jan 3. I've always liked Christmas Eve more... so I'm happy that's my night. However, Christmas day will be... different. Mama is going out of town that morning and the kids will be gone and I'll be... alone. Mr Man will be out of town with his family. It just makes me wish I had brothers and sisters and what not that would be able to distract me so that I wouldn't be doing that day by myself. I mean, I have Daddy and what not but being as how they are J-Dubs... not real festive people on Christmas.

School is going well... the end is nearing and I'm excited/anxious. I wish I knew for sure what my job was going to be and that it was secured.

I don't want you to go, I'll eat you up I love you so. -Where the Wild Things Are

My final hearing is in a week. INSANE. I'm so ready to get this over with. M is going back and forth from being friendly and easy to get along with and then the next minute he's telling me all of my character flaws and how he doesn't know how not to hate me. I just pray that he actually shows up to the hearing that way we don't have to do the whole dog and pony show with the judge if he doesn't.

A turned FOUR on Saturday. Can not believe that. She's a little kid now. Not a toddler... a little kid. I took her on a date for her bday yesterday since M had her this weekend. We got nails and toes done, did some Halloween shopping, went out to eat and took her to her first movie in a theater. Went and saw Where the Wild Things Are... not exactly what I expected. It was actually kind of a downer in a lot of parts. I'm loving watching her develop into her own little person. Absolutely independent and headstrong and at times frustrating as all get out, but it's like she already knows exactly who she is. I am already so proud of her.

My Great Granny got life flighted into OD yesterday after her heart rate dropped and they couldn't get her back up after what was supposed to be a minor procedure removing some lumps from her breast. Being as how my mom is disfellowshipped from the whole J-Dub organization, she is essentially cut off from her family. Since I was never baptized, I get to be as worldly as I want to be and they'll still associate with me. It's the most bass-ackwards arrangement ever. Anyway, my mom went to the hospital last night and saw her dad for the first time since mine and M's wedding and saw her sister, who she didn't even recognize, for the first time in 15 years. My mom's best friend came over to watch the kids so I could go offer some moral support. It was an emotional evening. The last time I was in the ICU of that hospital was when M's mom died. Walking down the hallway I had flashbacks of that day and it just made my stomach turn. When my mom and I talked to my granny her heart rate spiked and she was fidgeting so much because she wanted to hug us. It was absolutely heart wrenching. I'll be surprised if she leaves the hospital... she's 94... I just feel for my mom. I can't imagine how much her heart is just aching right now.

This weekend I spent a lot of Q.T. with Mr Man. Friday we did dinner at the house with his kid, went to a haunted house, I gave him a pedicure, did some hot-tubbing. I went to Lubbock with my mom and her best friend for the A&M/Tech game. We had an extra ticket so at 6pm, Mr Man decided to drive up. He made it there after halftime and tailgated with us afterwards. He had to be back in town fairly early, so I rode back with him so he didn't have to drive back by himself so late. We had a heart to heart on the way home... failed marriages, life, what not. My feelings for him are definitely growing the more time we spend together. They aren't overpowering though, like they were with BB. I don't feel this urge to push some kind of serious title for whatever we're doing. I look forward to the time we get to spend together... have no clue where this may or may not be going, but I think it's just what I need right now.

"Should I give up or should I just keeping chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere?" -Adele

I've decided I'm for sure dating Mr Man. The question that I do not know the answer to is if it's exclusive or non exclusive. Honestly, I would rather just play ignorant and believe that we are exclusive and never have to actually have the conversation.

Saturday we went shooting and then went to this benefit for a woman whose husband had been killed by a drunk driver and then hung out and watched football and sat in the hot tub for about 8 hours.

I enjoy the time I spend with Mr Man immensely. I have feelings for him, but I feel like this whatever-it-is is progressing at a much more comfortable rate then it was with Crazy D and BB. We go on dates, have fun, text when we have something to say and there's no drama. I kind of like where things are right now.

E-Spang thinks I'm in a fantasy relationship. The fact that he hasn't met my kids and I've spent all of 5 minutes around his negates any significance between Mr Man and I. She thinks we should throw real world time in there to make it real.

This is where I run into a conundrum.

At this point, I do not feel it necessary to introduce the kids to Mr Man or to spend lots of Q.T. with his kids. I don't feel that we're at the level of seriousness. When do you reach that point though? The more time I spend with Mr Man and the more we learn about each other, the more I like him. It's only logical to think that if things keep progressing as they do, I'm eventually going to fall in love with him.

So... say I fall in love with him, the kids get introduced and he pulls a BB and decides he can't hack it with the kids. What then?

On the flip side of that is, so you start off each relationship with kids being introduced immediately and you basically start off playing "one big happy family" from the beginning and everyone gets attached. What happens when you break up?

I just don't think it's healthy for the kids to meet every guy I date. I guess it's just a risk I'm going to have to take in the dating world that some people are going to love me, but not the rest of the package, some people are going to love me and the idea of the package, but not the reality of it... and a special few will love me and the rest of the package.

I'd rather prefer to get my heart broken later down the road, then to subject my kids to getting let down if something doesn't work out with someone that they've formed an attachment to. They're already going through that with their dad and I just... I can't do that again. I probably won't ever be 100% sure that someone is "The One"... but I want to be as close to that as possible before I let them have the privilege of meeting my kids.

So, here's the deal. I'm gonna roll with this Mr Man deal. I'm not going to force this relationship to be serious faster than it should. I'm gonna concentrate on getting done with school and getting the divorce finalized (Nov 3 is the final hearing!!!!!!!!!!!!) and getting the kids and I settled. Maybe Mr Man and I will become something more serious. Maybe it'll work out that the first guy that I dated post marriage will be Lucky #2 and I won't ever have to enter the dating world again. Maybe Mr Man is nothing but a temporary distraction. Maybe Mr Man and I will fall madly in love but the extra baggage on both sides is just too much. I don't know... there's a shit load of maybes. The point is, I'm happy right now and I don't really see any reason to rock the boat.

I know this, it's a hell of a lot harder to date as a single parent then it is just as a single.