Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. -Marilyn Monroe

My final hearing is tomorrow.

I feel like I should feel different.

Sad?

Angry?

Relieved?

Happy?

I just feel kind of numb.

Things have been hashed and rehashed and hashed again. I've said my I'm sorry's. M's said his. Basically, M and I couldn't get our shit together at the right time. Maybe if I had left earlier when I wasn't completely beat down I would've had something left inside me to give as a second chance. Instead I stayed until I could not stay anymore. I stayed until I lost who I was as a person and could not recognize my own face in the mirror. I stayed until I could physically feel the weight of the relationship lift off my shoulders as I backed out of our driveway on Jan 3.

I'm so nauseous. I just want this to be over with. I want this *thing* to stop hanging over my head.

Fuck.

I hugged M today and I smelled him and it was so familiar. I can't even begin to count all the times he held me in that exact spot. Times when I was happy, sad, crazy, mad, lost...

It just pisses me off that after everything that we went through together (which is more than most people go through in a lifetime and we hit it all in less than 5 years) that it just fell apart.

I know I'm making the right decision for myself and the kids. M is the exact same person that he was in Jan and I'm not. It doesn't mean that it makes it any easier to know that tomorrow I'm walking into a courtroom to legally end my marriage to the man that is the father of my children... the man that at one time I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.