When I was with Matt I got severely depressed twice. I had horrible postpartum depression after Ava and after finally going to the doctor and being put on Lexapro, I was able to be back to my old self, non-medicated, within 6 months. A few months after Matt got back from Iraq, I found myself in my bad place again and went through the same routine with the Lexapro and was off it and back to normal within 6 months again.
I was depressed because I wasn't happy (obviously) with myself, Matt, our marriage, our future... everything. I lost a lot of what I loved about myself in the process and it wasn't until I took myself out of the situation that I got back that person that I was so proud of.
I find myself teetering on the very far perimeter of the beginning of that bad place and I want to nip it in the bud. It's not Jeremy or our relationship or future. If anything, Jeremy is my calm place. I seek refuge in him and know that he is always going to be my safe place. I think the cause this time is because I'm not sure of me right now.
My life consists of taking care of my family and in the process I feel like my family is defining me. I am so lucky to have these people in my family. I'm lucky that I was blessed enough to have such amazingly wonderful kids, that Jeremy chose to have all three of us in his life and that his girls have accepted us as well. I think what I'm struggling with right now. I know what an intelligent, creative, multi dimensional person I am, but I am having SUCH a hard time figuring out how to portray that internally and externally.
I love being able to stay home with the kids, but I want a career. When people ask, "What do you do?" I want to be able to respond with something other than, "Oh I stay at home with the kids." Not to knock stay at home moms AT. ALL. I respect the Hell out of anyone that does it because I know first hand that it is harder than any job out there. I just think that there is something different out there. I mean, shit, even if I could just get a hobby other than "listening to music, hanging out with friends", I'd be happy.
I'm just bored with myself, definitely not my life, just myself. I bored with my wardrobe, my hair... I can only continue to get so many tattoos to change things up. I just don't know what I want to do. I would ideally like to stay mostly at home until Corbin starts kindergarten. I definitely know that I won't be pursuing anything until after this summer because trying to arrange for childcare for four children over the summer is just ridiculous. I wouldn't be opposed to doing something part time, whether it be work/school, once the school year started since Ava will be in school all day. It wouldn't hurt for Corbin to hang out with some peeps his age for a bit too.
I'd been throwing around finishing up my degree and getting my Master's so I could be a counselor in schools, but being a newly graduated educator in Texas is a baaaaaaaaaaaad place to be right now financially. I'm sure that once I was done with school and looking for a job, things will turn around (hopefully), but I can't imagine spending all that time and money and not being able to do what I wanted with it.
I need a guidance counselor to give me an aptitude test that takes into consideration all the other things I'm juggling that need to remain a priority in my life. For right now, I'm getting a gym membership so that for an hour or two I have time to myself. I can use that time to improve myself physically, but also to just think about stuff, release some stress. Plus, there's childcare so the kids can have a break too and it'll ease Corbin into being away from me.
No comments:
Post a Comment