There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings. ~Hodding Carter, Jr.

Parenting is hard.

Being a step parent is even harder.

When you have your kids you can parent them as you want, hopefully in a productive manner, and carry on. Normally, both the parents of the kid have each other backs. If you're divorced and lucky, which I am in this area, you both have the kids' best interests in mind so you still have each other's backs.

When you have step kids... WHOOOOOOOOOOLE different ball game.

My kids were a year and a half and 4 when Jeremy came along so they're pretty used to him telling them what to do. Ava butts her head from time to time, but for the most part, they seem him as just another person in their parenting world that handles all the same business as the other two.

Jeremy's girls were 6 and 8 when I came in the picture and a year later, I feel like I have less of a handle on it then I did back then. That's not to say that I'm not up to it or that I'm going to jump ship, I'm just somewhat frustrated. Jeremy had his way of parenting up until now, I had mine and they are very different.

It's an adjustment for everyone. How do you choose which parts to compromise on and which ones to stand firm? How do you parent your children and your step children equally without being a hypocrite to yours and sending your stepkids into a culture shock? How do you merge not only the parenting styles of yourself and your new partner and also your kids' other parents so that even if they are going from one house to the other you still manage to give them some semblance of continuity?

OY VEY!

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the girls don't have a set schedule as to when they will be here and when they won't, so there's no structure for them or for me. I know when my kids are going to be here and when it's coming up on Matt's weekend, I'm not going to lie, I look forward to it. I like having a little time to myself. I like knowing that every other weekend, I'm going to have a little break where I can rest and recharge and maybe have adult time so that I can be a better mom to my kids. I know there are moms who thrive on their time with their kids and whose world revolves around them. I LOVE my babies, they are amazing. I can't imagine my life without them, but I need a break from time to time. I need to know when I'm going to be taking care of two kids or four kids and for what duration of time. Not because I don't love having all four kids here, but because I need to get my mind right.

I just want to be a good mom and I feel like I'm backsliding in the step parent area.