"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gold." -Kid Cudi

So... BB is back with his wife. Ha! I may or may have been doing some creepin' on myspace and discovered that for myself. More power to them for trying to make their family work out, but I'm pretty sure that was the reason for the break up and I wish he would've just been honest with me about it instead of using my kids as an excuse. LAME!

I had a bittersweet moment with M on Sunday. He came to get the kids for a bit because it was his grandmother's birthday. He came inside to use the bathroom and he was killing time before heading out to family fun time and we were just sitting on the couch with the kids, talking, shooting the shit... just like old times. It's so comfortable with him. When he was leaving he gave me a hug and I remembered how perfectly I fit there, in that hug, with him.

It could've made me sad and it could've made me doubt my decision, but it didn't. If anything, it made my heart kind of happy. I know that M is still M and he still has his issues and those issues are what stands in the way of us having a happy, healthy marriage. I've been so caught up in just getting this divorce over with that I think I had forgotten the feelings I once had for M. Sunday reminded me that at one point I was madly, madly in love with him and that A and C were most definitely created by two people who loved each other dearly. At least I can tell A and C that with whole hearted honesty. I need someone to lean on for support and that will share the burden of finances, child care... everything. M hasn't been able to give me that for a long time and he can't right now and isn't really making an effort to change his way of life. I miss the way I fit in his arms and I miss having that comfortability, ease, assurance in a partner. I don't miss the fights, the stress, the tears. I'm still 100% sure of my decision... but I still miss the good M.

C is teething and has been a hot screaming mess since Friday evening. I feel like I am living with a foreign exchange student. He can not communicate to me what he wants and he gets pissed off and I get frustrated because I can not make my baby happy and it's just awful. I have like a 60% success rate of picking up the actual object he wants, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know what he wants so I feel like I'm doing exceptional in my interpretation skills.

A turns 4 on Saturday. Holy shit. Where did the time go? I'm not gonna have a baby and a toddler anymore... I'm gonna have a baby/almost toddler and a kid. I'm just kind of speechless and if I try and get out any thoughts I'm gonna start getting all nostalgic and weepy and I'm already about to lose my shit due to the angry drunk old man that has currently possessed my son's body... so I'll just leave it at that.

"Should I give up or should I just keeping chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere?" -Adele

I've decided I'm for sure dating Mr Man. The question that I do not know the answer to is if it's exclusive or non exclusive. Honestly, I would rather just play ignorant and believe that we are exclusive and never have to actually have the conversation.

Saturday we went shooting and then went to this benefit for a woman whose husband had been killed by a drunk driver and then hung out and watched football and sat in the hot tub for about 8 hours.

I enjoy the time I spend with Mr Man immensely. I have feelings for him, but I feel like this whatever-it-is is progressing at a much more comfortable rate then it was with Crazy D and BB. We go on dates, have fun, text when we have something to say and there's no drama. I kind of like where things are right now.

E-Spang thinks I'm in a fantasy relationship. The fact that he hasn't met my kids and I've spent all of 5 minutes around his negates any significance between Mr Man and I. She thinks we should throw real world time in there to make it real.

This is where I run into a conundrum.

At this point, I do not feel it necessary to introduce the kids to Mr Man or to spend lots of Q.T. with his kids. I don't feel that we're at the level of seriousness. When do you reach that point though? The more time I spend with Mr Man and the more we learn about each other, the more I like him. It's only logical to think that if things keep progressing as they do, I'm eventually going to fall in love with him.

So... say I fall in love with him, the kids get introduced and he pulls a BB and decides he can't hack it with the kids. What then?

On the flip side of that is, so you start off each relationship with kids being introduced immediately and you basically start off playing "one big happy family" from the beginning and everyone gets attached. What happens when you break up?

I just don't think it's healthy for the kids to meet every guy I date. I guess it's just a risk I'm going to have to take in the dating world that some people are going to love me, but not the rest of the package, some people are going to love me and the idea of the package, but not the reality of it... and a special few will love me and the rest of the package.

I'd rather prefer to get my heart broken later down the road, then to subject my kids to getting let down if something doesn't work out with someone that they've formed an attachment to. They're already going through that with their dad and I just... I can't do that again. I probably won't ever be 100% sure that someone is "The One"... but I want to be as close to that as possible before I let them have the privilege of meeting my kids.

So, here's the deal. I'm gonna roll with this Mr Man deal. I'm not going to force this relationship to be serious faster than it should. I'm gonna concentrate on getting done with school and getting the divorce finalized (Nov 3 is the final hearing!!!!!!!!!!!!) and getting the kids and I settled. Maybe Mr Man and I will become something more serious. Maybe it'll work out that the first guy that I dated post marriage will be Lucky #2 and I won't ever have to enter the dating world again. Maybe Mr Man is nothing but a temporary distraction. Maybe Mr Man and I will fall madly in love but the extra baggage on both sides is just too much. I don't know... there's a shit load of maybes. The point is, I'm happy right now and I don't really see any reason to rock the boat.

I know this, it's a hell of a lot harder to date as a single parent then it is just as a single.

"Oh, all that I know there's nothing here to run from, 'cause yeah, everybody here's got somebody to lean on." -Don't Panic/Coldplay

I am in this fantastic mood that I come across every once in awhile where I feel like my heart is going to explode into rainbows and sunshines because I'm it's so full of love. It's incredibly cheesy, but it's an amazing feeling.

As a mom, a single mom, there are moments when you feel like you can't answer one more "But why?" question, you can't change one more diaper, you can't tell someone to eat dinner one more freaking time, you can't pick the spoon up off the floor for the 438593405843095th time. Then there are days when you feel like everything short of unicorns are flying out of your kids' asses because they are so wonderful. Unfortunately, the unicorn flying days don't come near as often as the mommy-does-not-like days. So I really like to relish in the unicorn flying days.

I haven't talked specifically about the kids in awhile... so get ready.

A's three favorite non-children oriented songs right now are "Swing" by Savage and Soulja Boy, Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright or Jeff Beck and If You're Gonna Play in Texas by Alabama. I love that her taste in music is completely random and off the wall because that is completely how mine is. She talks... OH she talks all the time. She has developed a Texas twang, but living with my mom and myself, she really didn't have a snowball's chance in Hell of not developing one. A lot of the questions she asks don't seem like something a nearly 4 year old should be pondering. She's inquisitive and I love it, even if it means I have to answer a billion and one questions a day. I try and answer her questions to the best of my abilities but I'll admit there are times when my response is "I. Don't. Know." She is sweet and caring and wants everyone to be her friend. She gets along amazingly well with adults. All the teachers at her school love her and she invites them all to come sleep in her bed (which is my bed) for a big party. One of the teachers told A it was her birthday on Saturday and A told the teacher she was going to go buy her some flowers. She is an amazing big sister. AMAZING. She likes to play disciplinarian with C, so I have to watch that. If I get on to him about something and she catches him doing it, she'll swat at his hand or wag her finger at him and give him a stern talking to. She's extremely maternal, which makes my heart soar. She takes after my mom A LOT personality wise and my mom's not the most nurturing of people, so I like that she possesses the strong female side of my mother but also has a soft side to her. The kid is stubborn as all hell. Dinner time is absolutely ridiculous. She could go days without eating and you could put a huge bowl of her favorite food in front of her and tell her to eat and she will go on a hunger strike out of principle. She will eat when she damn well pleases to apparently. I've had to be a little bit more strict with her eating habits as we are not living in a third world country and should not be training for our new life in Ethiopia. She's very open with her emotions and I'm completely dreading the teenage years because, you know, that whole extremely emotionally expressive at THREE bodes well for ten years down the road. She'll hear a song that's mellow and get really solemn about it. It amazes me how intensely she feels. I will never get tired of her telling me that I'm "a berry berry good mommy."

I knew that there would be a difference with the two kids. They're two different people and one's a boy and one's a girl. I never knew how dramatically different my feelings for them would be. I love them both with my whole heart, but the relationship or bond or something that I can't put my finger on is just so insanely different. A has always been so independent, from the time she was born she was doing her own thing and everyone else was along for the ride. C is the complete opposite. He's content to hop aboard and go for the ride, no need to conduct it. A has a complete Type A personality and C is a total Type B personality. It makes me laugh because A looks just like me and C looks just like M, but as far as their personalities go... complete opposite.

C is my buddy. The word "mama" comes out of his mouth 95% of the time he's chattering about and it is awesome. He loves to make people laugh and is into this thing where he'll make himself fall down on purpose and make this noise that sounds like it should be coming out of a surfer's mouth when he wipes out. The kid LOVES music. Dancing With the Stars was on last night and he was spinning around in circles with his hands up in the air, just performing right along with them. I've turned him into quite the football fan. Anytime anyone cheers during a football game on TV his arms automatically go up to signal a TD and he says "Tu-down!" He also is very good at getting his guns up and shaking his hand at the TV while yelling "Go go go!" He's a lot more hesitant than A was. I know you're not supposed to compare your kids, but how can you not? A jumps into everything head first without looking back... C likes to take his time with things. The boy loves boobs. LOVES them. He loves people with boobs and the bigger, the better. There's a lady at their school that has huge, insanely big boobs and 90% of the afternoons that I go to pick them up, his nuzzled up in her chest just happy as can be. No doubt that kid is going to be a boob man. He's started to do this drama queen thing that is so ridiculous though. When he's not getting what he wants or something isn't working the way he wants to or life as a nearly 17 month old just gets too overwhelming he'll throw himself on the floor and lay on his back and just wail like the world is coming to an end. I treat these episodes much like I did when A had them... by looking at him and walking away. I figure everyone likes to have a pity party every once in awhile and that's just C's version of a pity party. He runs with his arms swung behind him like he's trying to be as aerodynamic as possible, hoping he grows out of that. He wants to be outside 24 hours of the day and when he's inside and it's still light out, he goes to the window and just watches outside. There's no way I can get just an apartment when I move out, I'm gonna have to rent a house, with a yard. He loves animals and he loves sitting in small C-sized chairs. He has a blankie, officially. He has to have to it when he gets out of bed and when he gets in bed and preferably within close range during all the other hours of the day. He'll grab it and throw it on the ground and then throw himself on top of it and just bury his face in it. Cutest thing ever. When he's not cuddling with it, he's biting it with his teeth like a puppy. He's absolutely all boy and is ornery already. He knows what he is and isn't supposed to get into, but he still gets into it, while looking right at you, and smiling. It's infuriating and adorable all at the same time. He "jumps" by bending his legs and popping up really fast... I wouldn't say he has mad hops yet.

People that I talk to that have gone through a divorce without kids always tell me how much harder it must be with kids. Financially, it's gonna be harder, but really... I bet it's infinitely harder to go through a divorce without kids. With the kids around there's something to focus your energy on, there's a constant reason to keep moving forward... A and C have been my true North and I know without them this whole thing, these past 4 years would've been infinitely harder and I honestly may not have made it out alive. I love them for that and I love that I will always always have something incredible, two somethings!, that I've done right in my life.

Don't you forget about me :)

Wow... it's been awhile.

So, the BB thing is officially done. It's a good thing though. I don't want the two most important people in my life to ever be seen to anyone as dealbreakers. I realize I come with a lot of baggage, but my babies are precious cargo and the person that I'm supposed to wind up with will love me because of the kids... not in spite of.

If anything it made me feel closer to the kids and really treasure them... it kind of sucks that it took someone not wanting them to make me realize how freaking kick ass they are.

Anyway, I need to get everything with myself settled before I go jumping into something serious. My silly heart... falling hard and fast.

Not to say that I'm off the dating scene... come on now, this is me we're talking about. The first guy I talked to/dated after M and I split kind of fell off the face of the planet. Ironically, he happened to pop back up when BB and I split.

Mr Man is 30, works an insane amount of hours, has two kids... one of which is about to be 14... yes, 14... meaning he became a daddy at 16. He has full custody of his son. Our schedule's don't coordinate often, due to me having the kids every other weekend and during the week and him not wanting to parade chicks around his son and he rarely gets kid-free weekends.

We went on a date a few weeks ago... had a blast. Went to a wedding with him Saturday as his plus one. I have fun with him and things aren't serious. I know that this will probably never progress to a serious relationship and I'm all right with that.

Things with the divorce are still at a stand still. My lawyer sucks big donkey balls. HUGE. Apparently, he's tied up in jury trials constantly and can't deal with little peon divorce cases. Hate him.

The kids are brilliant. A is really into pushing her boundaries so that's been... trying. However, she is becoming more and more of a little adult everyday and it's awesome carrying on actual conversations with her. I've been sick the past couple days so I was laying on the couch after I put them to bed. She got out of bed to sing me a song about how I was the best and she loved me and if I was sad all I had to do was think about Santa Claus coming.

C is my human wrecking ball. I can't get over how much of the stereotypical boy he already embodies. He wants to get into everything he's not supposed to and he wants to destroy it all. He is completely a Mama's boy and is the best cuddler ever in the history of man.

School is going... I've missed a lot because of kids being sick and me being sick and life... but we're getting there. I'm just ready to make that skrilla!

And another one bites the dust

This weekend BB and I had all four kids together for the first time.

Overwhelming? Yes.

Exhausting? Yes.

Did it change my mind at all about wanting to be with him? No.

Did it change his mind? Yes.

Right now, he's "mulling things over". Apparently, he underestimated the challenge that four children would bring and in his words right now he, "doesn't want this weekend."

Fuck.

I had my whole future dreamed up with him. I actually believed that he was "the one".

Apparently, the two most important people in my life are deal breakers in his eyes.

I know that he was overwhelmed and freaked out, but why throw away our entire future over one weekend? Of course, it's going to be crazy... it was the first weekend they were all together. Jesus, give it another chance...

My heart hurts... but at the same time, I'm glad I found out now instead of moving down there and then him figuring out that he couldn't do it.

Honestly, I can't fault him for feeling like this. However, I do think it's kind of hypocritical. He always bitched about how his exes left him because things got too tough and they just couldn't handle the Army bullshit or whatever. He's doing the exact same thing to me... he can't handle the kids... even though he fucking has kids.

Maybe he just needs more time to process and he'll decide that this is something he could do, or rather something he wants to do. Jesus Christ, it sure does sting though. He thinks I am utterly perfect for him and kept telling me over and over if it was just me and him, but it's not and it never will be, so the point is moot.

With this whole fiasco brought the realization that a single mother with two kids that can't have anymore kids is not exactly a prime catch... I thought I'd just hit the jackpot with BB and that he was going to accept and love the whole package. Obviously, I gave him a little too much credit.

"I spend my life on this broken crutch and you believe I can fly." -Hayes Carll

This week has been hellacious. It has been a rollarcoaster of emotions.

Basically, Sunday afternoon I brought down M's house of cards made up of all his lies. I did it because M has absolutely nothing going for him. I think he needs inpatient help somewhere and if he's going to be in my kids' life, I want him to have a positive influence.

In response to that, he wrote me a suicide email, which he didn't follow through with. Now I'm on his most hated list. You know, it's whatever. I'm not trying to fuck up his life. I'm not trying to make him out to be the bad guy... I just want him to get help. He's been lying to his family for so so long and now that they know what's really going on, I'm cutting all ties with M. I'll only deal with him if it's directly related to the kids... otherwise, I'm out.

I had a job interview at HEB. Oh the lows I have reached when I'm 26 and applying at HEB. Once again, it's whatever. I'll make a little money. Pay some bills, help out with day care. I actually think I may somewhat enjoy it. It's people watching at it's finest; getting to see what people buy and what not. I'm trying to be optimistic about it. I'll have to play with my hours so that I'm not missing out on too much time with my kids... try and fit one weekend off so that I can see BB.

I asked him if I got a job that required me to work most weekends if he would still love me and not break up with me. He said I was silly, so I guess that means he'll stick around.

His temporary hearing is on the 24th and he's going for custody of his son. If he gets custody, that house is going to be insane. I absolutely can not wait for it. I love his kids.

A is obsessed with princesses and talks about them constantly. Today she was pretending to be Belle and Lamby was a prince that was going to rescue her. When her "prince" rescued her she gave him a huge hug and spun around and the look on her face gave me a peek 1o years (God, please let it at least be 10 years) in the future when she gets that puppy love over some silly boy who will inevitably be a silly boy and dick her over.

I can't believe my little girl is growing up this fast. I want to stop time. Cs all about his mama right now and is just giggly and happy. A is imaginative and friendly and wears her heart on her sleeve. She talks and talks and talks. I don't want them to change. I don't want C to become a nasty, stinky boy. I don't want A to be all bitchy and hormonal.

My goal is just to be as positive as possible. Find the silver lining in everything... you know, the usual.

"Ever Thine, Ever Mine, Ever Ours." -Beethoven

So, went MIA for a bit.

Just got back from a slightly extended vay-cay at BB's.

Every moment I am around him, I love him more and more. Everything is so natural. I love him not in spite of his flaws, but because of them. I see his faults and know they are there. I don't overlook them because I'm totally infatuated with him.

I've tried to keep my eyes as wide open as possible. When something comes up, I think to myself, is this something I could live with forever... or is it something that's going to become an issue after the newness wears off. So far, no issues.

My grandmother told me something whenever I was gushing about an old love... I was telling her how we could just talk and talk and talk. She said that it was great that we could talk because communication was wonderful, but it was the easy silence that you need to make sure you have.

I never put a lot of thought into that, but now I get it. With M, I had to fill the empty air with words, whether or not they had any significance... I couldn't just be with him.

Tuesday night there was a meteor shower and BB and I sat in the bed of his truck and watched the sky. We talked about love and kids and life and God... then there were moments where we sat, holding hands, our heads turned up to see another shooting star and I had no urge to say a word. All I wanted to do was sit there with BB and feel how overwhelmingly in love I was... I am.

"And everyone is running and I come to find a refuge in the easy silence that you make for me. It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me, and the peaceful quiet you create for me, and the way you keep the world at bay for me" -Easy Silence/Dixie Chicks

In other news, M's wanting to only pay $200 a month in child support... as opposed to $500. Apparently, he can demean my parenting abilities because I go to school and work... but he's some awesome dad because when he has the kids he has them all day. Great, he spends loads of time with them because he's unemployed and not going to school. That's not real life. Being a parent is an emotional, time, and financial commitment. You can't pick and choose.

I can not wait until this legal crap is done with and I get those papers saying I am officially divorced. Being in limbo sucks major ass.