Don't you forget about me :)

Wow... it's been awhile.

So, the BB thing is officially done. It's a good thing though. I don't want the two most important people in my life to ever be seen to anyone as dealbreakers. I realize I come with a lot of baggage, but my babies are precious cargo and the person that I'm supposed to wind up with will love me because of the kids... not in spite of.

If anything it made me feel closer to the kids and really treasure them... it kind of sucks that it took someone not wanting them to make me realize how freaking kick ass they are.

Anyway, I need to get everything with myself settled before I go jumping into something serious. My silly heart... falling hard and fast.

Not to say that I'm off the dating scene... come on now, this is me we're talking about. The first guy I talked to/dated after M and I split kind of fell off the face of the planet. Ironically, he happened to pop back up when BB and I split.

Mr Man is 30, works an insane amount of hours, has two kids... one of which is about to be 14... yes, 14... meaning he became a daddy at 16. He has full custody of his son. Our schedule's don't coordinate often, due to me having the kids every other weekend and during the week and him not wanting to parade chicks around his son and he rarely gets kid-free weekends.

We went on a date a few weeks ago... had a blast. Went to a wedding with him Saturday as his plus one. I have fun with him and things aren't serious. I know that this will probably never progress to a serious relationship and I'm all right with that.

Things with the divorce are still at a stand still. My lawyer sucks big donkey balls. HUGE. Apparently, he's tied up in jury trials constantly and can't deal with little peon divorce cases. Hate him.

The kids are brilliant. A is really into pushing her boundaries so that's been... trying. However, she is becoming more and more of a little adult everyday and it's awesome carrying on actual conversations with her. I've been sick the past couple days so I was laying on the couch after I put them to bed. She got out of bed to sing me a song about how I was the best and she loved me and if I was sad all I had to do was think about Santa Claus coming.

C is my human wrecking ball. I can't get over how much of the stereotypical boy he already embodies. He wants to get into everything he's not supposed to and he wants to destroy it all. He is completely a Mama's boy and is the best cuddler ever in the history of man.

School is going... I've missed a lot because of kids being sick and me being sick and life... but we're getting there. I'm just ready to make that skrilla!

And another one bites the dust

This weekend BB and I had all four kids together for the first time.

Overwhelming? Yes.

Exhausting? Yes.

Did it change my mind at all about wanting to be with him? No.

Did it change his mind? Yes.

Right now, he's "mulling things over". Apparently, he underestimated the challenge that four children would bring and in his words right now he, "doesn't want this weekend."

Fuck.

I had my whole future dreamed up with him. I actually believed that he was "the one".

Apparently, the two most important people in my life are deal breakers in his eyes.

I know that he was overwhelmed and freaked out, but why throw away our entire future over one weekend? Of course, it's going to be crazy... it was the first weekend they were all together. Jesus, give it another chance...

My heart hurts... but at the same time, I'm glad I found out now instead of moving down there and then him figuring out that he couldn't do it.

Honestly, I can't fault him for feeling like this. However, I do think it's kind of hypocritical. He always bitched about how his exes left him because things got too tough and they just couldn't handle the Army bullshit or whatever. He's doing the exact same thing to me... he can't handle the kids... even though he fucking has kids.

Maybe he just needs more time to process and he'll decide that this is something he could do, or rather something he wants to do. Jesus Christ, it sure does sting though. He thinks I am utterly perfect for him and kept telling me over and over if it was just me and him, but it's not and it never will be, so the point is moot.

With this whole fiasco brought the realization that a single mother with two kids that can't have anymore kids is not exactly a prime catch... I thought I'd just hit the jackpot with BB and that he was going to accept and love the whole package. Obviously, I gave him a little too much credit.

"I spend my life on this broken crutch and you believe I can fly." -Hayes Carll

This week has been hellacious. It has been a rollarcoaster of emotions.

Basically, Sunday afternoon I brought down M's house of cards made up of all his lies. I did it because M has absolutely nothing going for him. I think he needs inpatient help somewhere and if he's going to be in my kids' life, I want him to have a positive influence.

In response to that, he wrote me a suicide email, which he didn't follow through with. Now I'm on his most hated list. You know, it's whatever. I'm not trying to fuck up his life. I'm not trying to make him out to be the bad guy... I just want him to get help. He's been lying to his family for so so long and now that they know what's really going on, I'm cutting all ties with M. I'll only deal with him if it's directly related to the kids... otherwise, I'm out.

I had a job interview at HEB. Oh the lows I have reached when I'm 26 and applying at HEB. Once again, it's whatever. I'll make a little money. Pay some bills, help out with day care. I actually think I may somewhat enjoy it. It's people watching at it's finest; getting to see what people buy and what not. I'm trying to be optimistic about it. I'll have to play with my hours so that I'm not missing out on too much time with my kids... try and fit one weekend off so that I can see BB.

I asked him if I got a job that required me to work most weekends if he would still love me and not break up with me. He said I was silly, so I guess that means he'll stick around.

His temporary hearing is on the 24th and he's going for custody of his son. If he gets custody, that house is going to be insane. I absolutely can not wait for it. I love his kids.

A is obsessed with princesses and talks about them constantly. Today she was pretending to be Belle and Lamby was a prince that was going to rescue her. When her "prince" rescued her she gave him a huge hug and spun around and the look on her face gave me a peek 1o years (God, please let it at least be 10 years) in the future when she gets that puppy love over some silly boy who will inevitably be a silly boy and dick her over.

I can't believe my little girl is growing up this fast. I want to stop time. Cs all about his mama right now and is just giggly and happy. A is imaginative and friendly and wears her heart on her sleeve. She talks and talks and talks. I don't want them to change. I don't want C to become a nasty, stinky boy. I don't want A to be all bitchy and hormonal.

My goal is just to be as positive as possible. Find the silver lining in everything... you know, the usual.

"Ever Thine, Ever Mine, Ever Ours." -Beethoven

So, went MIA for a bit.

Just got back from a slightly extended vay-cay at BB's.

Every moment I am around him, I love him more and more. Everything is so natural. I love him not in spite of his flaws, but because of them. I see his faults and know they are there. I don't overlook them because I'm totally infatuated with him.

I've tried to keep my eyes as wide open as possible. When something comes up, I think to myself, is this something I could live with forever... or is it something that's going to become an issue after the newness wears off. So far, no issues.

My grandmother told me something whenever I was gushing about an old love... I was telling her how we could just talk and talk and talk. She said that it was great that we could talk because communication was wonderful, but it was the easy silence that you need to make sure you have.

I never put a lot of thought into that, but now I get it. With M, I had to fill the empty air with words, whether or not they had any significance... I couldn't just be with him.

Tuesday night there was a meteor shower and BB and I sat in the bed of his truck and watched the sky. We talked about love and kids and life and God... then there were moments where we sat, holding hands, our heads turned up to see another shooting star and I had no urge to say a word. All I wanted to do was sit there with BB and feel how overwhelmingly in love I was... I am.

"And everyone is running and I come to find a refuge in the easy silence that you make for me. It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me, and the peaceful quiet you create for me, and the way you keep the world at bay for me" -Easy Silence/Dixie Chicks

In other news, M's wanting to only pay $200 a month in child support... as opposed to $500. Apparently, he can demean my parenting abilities because I go to school and work... but he's some awesome dad because when he has the kids he has them all day. Great, he spends loads of time with them because he's unemployed and not going to school. That's not real life. Being a parent is an emotional, time, and financial commitment. You can't pick and choose.

I can not wait until this legal crap is done with and I get those papers saying I am officially divorced. Being in limbo sucks major ass.

"Oh, you know what? Next week's no good for me... The Jonas Brothers are in town. But any week after that, it's totally fine." -The Hangover

I may have possibly illegally watched The Hangover at school today because I'm so far ahead and we were so insanely slow that I had nothing better to do. That movie was so fucking hilarious. It made me want to be a man so that I could go to Las Vegas and act a complete fool with my two best friends and my retarded future brother in law in tow.

BB gets to spend the whole weekend down here. I keep trying not to completely plan on that because he's getting done earlier than he thought so in my mind there's a possibility that he may decide to head back to SA and get his kids. He told me he's just going to get them next weekend, but for some reason I just have it in my head that this weekend isn't going to pan out.

For some reason when it comes to BB, I get so girly (in the not positive way). I keep it on the DL when I'm actually with/talking to him, but I get in these needy moods where if he's not 110% all about me I turn into a Grumpalumpagus. I went from one extreme to the other in my past two relationships. M was completely inattentive... couldn't give two shits about how my day was and Lord knows he wasn't interested in telling me about his (at least the truth about his days... he was more than happy to BS me). Crazy D was OVERLY attentive. BB falls pretty much right in the middle, but with him, the physical attention isn't always there, obviously, since he lives so freakin' far away. I'm not talking just about sex (though the distance enforced dry spells suck ASS). I'm talking about the little looks, kisses on the forehead, hands on the small of your back as they walk by... those things. I am a very expressive person... I can show you exactly how I feel as I tell you exactly how I feel. Most men can't really tell you how they feel so when you can't see it... it sucks.

Blah.

Anyway, now that I vented all that I feel much better. I'm just being a silly girl.

My dad is coming into the salon tomorrow and I'm giving him a haircut and his first pedicure. It's weird how for 9 years we didn't see each other and now, suddenly, we have this relationship. We make plans to see each other. I feel very comfortable with him... it's still freakin' weird.

But you can wait a lifetime and I'd still be lovin' you. -Kyle Bennett Band

My mood has vastly improved since Thursday. Hooray!

BB came in town Friday, even though he still felt pretty crappy. I tried to put on my happy voice when he told me that he didn't think he was going to be able to come down on Friday, but I kind of suck at masking my true feelings so he decided to man up and drive down anyway.'

I was walking on air... marvelous!

Took him to the salon and halfway did a good ol bald fade on him. I kept getting scared and had to get Adrian to come help me with the clippers. I so did not want to jack up his hair. Fortunately, I did a pretty good job so all is well.

He met the kids and A was absolutely smitten with him. BB rough houses all the time with his daughter and she's completely used to it. My little A though... she's kind of a delicate flower so BB was playing around with her like he does his daughter and A winds up crying because her arm hurt. BB felt HOOOOOOOORRIBLE. He was doing everything in the world to appease her... didn't change A being completely smitten with him so that's good. C was just happy to be wandering around messing with random crap as per usual, so all in all the first encounter was a good one.

BB met Mama and they gave each other shit back and forth all freaking night long. Mama said that he was far more entertaining than my past loves and had a whole lot of personality which was a good thing... so far so good!

BB and I had Mexican food for dinner which was a huge mistake because his stomach was not having any of it, so I got to play nurse all night. I really actually loved doing it. I've missed taking care of a significant other when they need me. M liked to suffer in solitude... BB is very much open to being taken care of and I like that a lot. I think that shows a lot about how people handle obstacles in other areas rather than health. If someone is willing to let you take care of them when they're sick and vulnerable and want you to be with them, I think that they will want you around when they're having other problems and want to take on things together instead of by themselves. I dunno... just my personal opinion.

Anyway, BB was feeling better by Saturday morning after I got back from my run and what not. We did lunch with Mama and went to this hole in the wall dive for a few beers and a game of shuffleboard. Absolute blast! Mama and BB just were complete smart asses to each other which is totally how to win them both over. I loved that they got along so well.

BB had to report for duty for this juvenile boot camp thing at 7, so I rode down with him, got checked into the hotel and hung out while he did his little meeting. The dry streak finally got broken afterwards! Then there was swimming and dinner. Our entertainment for the evening was listening to music in the room, while drinking Bud Lite and playing Hang Man when I wasn't somehow grooming him. It was the most uneventful night, but we both had a complete blast... just telling random stories and singing along to songs and talking about all sorts of stuff. I laugh so much with him and the second that we're together after we've been apart... it feels like we've never been seperated.

I am so ready to start our life together, but I am thankful for this time that we have to really get to know each other and make sure that this is right. Every time I see him, my feelings are reconfirmed.

He was supposed to have the early morning shift, so I was just going to ride back with him after he got off today but the schedule got changed up so I drove his truck back and head back on Friday to get him so that he can spend the whole weekend with me again! Hooray!

"We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.” -Calvin and Hobbes

I'm in a shitty mood and I'm trying to unfunkify my day.

Not going so well.

I've spent 75% of this week trying not to vomit due to some unknown bug that I caught from who knows where.

BB was supposed to come in today, but apparently he managed to contract the same bug I had. Today's appearance is a no go. More than likely, I'll see him tomorrow so I should just suck it up. I just haven't seen him in almost three weeks and I got used to seeing him every week there for a bit. I miss his ass.

This is why I don't like expectations. I tried this whole optimistic business but goodness gracious, I hate getting disappointed. I'd rather plan on not seeing him again until I move up there (if I move up there) in January. Then everytime I saw him in between now and then would just be a welcome surprise. Kind of a defeatist attitude, but whatever.

Then M had to be an ass and bring up what a shit move it was me moving the kids' furniture out of the house MONTHS ago. Okay, yeah that sucks that the kids' don't have their furniture up in Lubbock anymore, but myself or my mom purchased all their furniture, he let the kids' rooms stay trashed and I'm not going to let their stuff be ruined. It just pisses me off that the one outright semi-shitty thing that I did in our whole marriage has to be brung up continuously.

Nevermind the dozens of days/nights that he stayed out drinking and came home belligerantly drunk while I had to put the kids to bed and get them up without his help... nevermind the horrible things he told me... nevermind the fact that when I told him that all I needed from him to make me stay was to at least act like he gave a shit and he couldn't do that. I don't throw that in his face.

As far as I'm concerned, the day that I filed for divorce, the past was the past. I want what's best for him and I want him to get better. I don't want to run him into the ground by constantly bringing up his failures...

Maybe it makes him feel better because I'm actually on track to doing something with my life and I'm handling my business while he's sitting in the house doing absolutely NOTHING.

I think my iTunes is on a conspiracy to try and make my mood suck worse because it's picking some really depressing songs to listen to.

Damn the man, yo.