Juliet, I'd do the stars with you anytime. -Romeo and Juliet/Dire Straits

I feel a sinus infection/sore throat/ear infection coming on. NO ME GUSTA!

So, last night we all decided that we were going to have The Biggest Loser: Family Edition going on with my pop's side of the family. The dad, step mom, step sister, brother in law and I are all going to see who has the biggest percentage weight loss by my birthday, 7/11. We're all throwing money in the pot and whoever wins, gets the cash.

I have GOT to get rid of this damn weight. It's ridiculous. I need to start doing some kind of physical activity and that'll help it come off, plus not eating like I'm trying to feed a set of octuplets growing inside me would be good too.

I'm so excited about this weekend. I have the kiddos and I think we're going to go to a hockey game on Friday and then Saturday we're going bowling. Bachelor Man and maybe his girls will be joining us. Holy shit. Can we say "cluster fuck"?

Speaking of Bachelor Man, the Bro-in-law was talking to him on the phone the other night and was asking what he was up to. Jerm (Bachelor Man) said that he was coming over to my place and BIL was like, well you can come over for a beer before, but I doubt that'll be happening. Jerm was like, nah, I'll come hang out... later... I just have tunnel vision right now.

I had to give him shit for that, but I was also uber-flattered by it. I am digging him hardcore, man. His personality is just awesome... While I'm not saying that I'm in loooooooove with him, whenever it does hit that point and I'm ready to let my heart go, I will pin the moment on when I fell for him to the night that we started talking about Degrassi and realized he was some kind of Degrassi savant.

Sans Crazy Dave, the guys that I have dated post M have been pretty kick ass to hang out with, regardless of how they might have ended.

How I don't know what I should do with my hands when I talk to you. How you don't know where you should look, so you look at my hands. -Pamphleteer

I should really make our meetings more frequent.

It's a snow day outside. Huzzah!

I'm so burnt out on school and realize that I have less than a third of my hours to get but I feel like there is no. end. in. sight. and I am over it. The salon is slow and if I have to do one more gah damn thing on a mannequin I will scream. Thus, I am embracing snow day even if it means being holed up with the children folk who apparently snorted lines of crack when I wasn't looking and are indulging in their new favorite hobby of tattling. Woooooooooooooo!

In other news...

Bachelor Man and I are getting along very well. We had a fabulous first date at a lovely restaurant and have proceeded to hang out every night since then, except for Friday when I went to go see the Randy Rogers Band.

It seems this is how I roll with relationships. Just thrust myself full on in there.

He's been around the kids minimally still. He comes over either right before they go to bed, right after they go to bed or when M has them. Last night he was over watching a movie with me and C woke up. Normally, if that happens late at night I'll just shut it down and go lay down in bed with C, but I couldn't so much do that. I got C out of his crib and put him on the couch with the two of us. I was laying in Bachelor Man's lap and C laid all his blankets on my lap and burrowed in.

Dating with kids is so odd. I can't help but look at a little moment like that and wonder if this will be the guy that will be a main male figure in the kids' lives. Will this be the guy that helps A learn how to ride a bike? That will teach C how to drum (he's a drummer)? That will meet A's first date at the door and tell him to have A back by midnight? That will teach C how to shave or give him "the talk" before his first date with a girl?

I know it's only a month in, but I'm tired of pursuing relationships with people and giving them my heart and then things falling through after I'm already in it. I'm not saying that I'm looking for Number 2, but if I'm gonna date someone, I at least want to be semi-sure that I would be okay with them being in my kids' lives for a substantial period of time.

Meh, I'm just enjoying it for right now. He's much more on my level personality/interest wise than my past endeavors. Once again, we shall see...

My kids are so freakin adorable. A just walked in here wearing her Sleeping Beauty dress and told me she was sorry she was late because her dance was taking too long. Then she wanted to show me her "prince" who just happens to be C. C is just following her around as she keeps his ass in line. Hilarious. A also apparently got fed up with M's unusual chattiness last weekend that she told him "for the love of God will you please be quiet." Have no clue where she got that from...

I need to go on a diet like Fo' Real. My winter coat keeps expanding and I'm not doing a damn thing to stop it, which needs to change, otherwise summer is not going to be pretty.

So, it looks like I'll be making a move out to my pop's in March. I haven't quite yet broached that subject with the moms, but I feel that this will be the best for everyone involved. I'm pretty excited actually. I can not believe how wonderful it's been since Daddy's come back in my life.

How long can you pray and still not see a change? I faithfully remain. -Faithfully Remain/Ben Harper

I just watched the most retarded movie ever, "Wedding Daze", but it made me get a big "what if" in my mind. The two main characters decide on a whim to get married after a spontaneous proposal from the lead male within seconds of meeting the lead female.

The completely illogical, spontaneous side of me wants to just go get married to the next dude that I click with during introductions. Honestly, if I didn't have kids, it wouldn't be so hard to imagine myself doing that. At this point in my life, I feel like marriage is such a crap shoot anyway.

I mean, M and I looked good on paper, but in reality... not so much.

I invested my emotions in BB and Mr Man and wound up getting royally screwed on both of those.

Guess I'm just a little on the bitter side when it comes to relationships. Mr Man messed with me more than I initially thought. I miss him. I miss curling up in bed with him. I miss talking about random crap together. I miss being able to text him my random thoughts throughout the day. Ugh... so frustrating. I feel like I just got written off and yet, I can't help thinking that last Valentine's Day I was having dinner at Wall Street and then going to Jaguar's with him. That was the BEST V-Day ever.

I have a date on Thursday with my brother in law's buddy. He just turned 34, has two girls (6 and 8), a good job... Here's the kicker though, while he has been in relationships (he was with his baby mama until a year or so ago, they never got married) he has never formally courted a girl. Which means, this will be his first formal first date. Oh Em Gee.

Like, seriously? I honestly can not do anything the easy way. I can't just find a normal dude, with a normal dating history, with no kids or if he has kids, manages to have a normal relationship with baby mama, with a good job, with no mental problems, who manages to act like a grown ass man. I guess when you start dating guys that are older then you start dating people that are prone to have a bit more of a "history" than guys in their younger 20s.

My BIL assures me that Bachelor Man is a good guy and I'm sure he is, but Jesus Christ... I was also M's first formal relationship and look at how well that one turned out.

I'm just rolling with it and right now we're just hanging out as friends. I think the most physical contact we've had is me patting him on the leg after the Superbowl because the Colts lost. Should be interesting...

I can handle a lot, But one thing I'm missing is in your eyes. - Eyes/Rogue Waves

Mr Man and I are no mas.

I'm saddened.

I wrote an email basically calling him out on his MIA-ness in a very well worded, non dramatic way.

He responded, acknowledging his asshole-y, douche baggy behavior and said, "Apparently I am horrible at relationships, prioritizing, and caring about anyone other myself... You are a truly awesome girls and deserve more that I can give." Which when it all comes down is basically, "It's not you... it's me."

I let myself have real feelings for him AND on top of that, got attached to his kids.

And now... I'm sick (kidney stone, kidney infection) and single.

This is probably what I need to do. Be single, not sick.

But it SUCKS.

And let's be honest here... the soon to be dry spell I'm about to hit is not going to be any ball park either.

The only dude that is showing remote interest me is my ex husband.

My prospects are non existent being as how all the guys I associate with are of the homosexual persuasion.

Which, in a slightly related note, I have promised one of my eggs to a beautiful bisexual Puerto Rican should he not have children by 35 because he is convinced we would have the most beautiful babies ever.

Dear Lord, what has my life become?

Put down your sword and crown / Come lay with me on the ground - Moth's Wings / Passion Pit

Oh life... you are one confusing mother.

Things with Mr Man are... complicated? I got so used to spending so much time with him over the Christmas holidays, which I should've known wasn't going to be par for the course. I didn't have the kids, I didn't have school, the oil field pretty much shuts down...

Anyhow, January rolled around and life got back to normal and I've seen Mr Man twice since the Monday after New Year's. Once for about an hour on a Monday night, then last weekend when we went to the rodeo with my dad and step mom and C.

I talked to him about it... it's not that he's checking out, he's just got a lot of shit to do. He's kind of a big deal at the office and that means that people depend on him, which equals lots of pressure. In theory, I understand all that. And I've tried to stop being the needy girl, but it's getting a little bit old. Especially when I don't know if I'll see him this weekend since I have the kids... (he tends to be scarce during my weekends with my kids... even though I hang out with him no prob when he has his kids), he's supposed to go to Houston for some marketing conference thing next weekend and then I'm going to Ft Stockton the weekend after that... so yeah... that's three weekends without anything?

I understand he's busy. I understand he has work commitments. I just want him to think enough of me that he sets aside time for me because he wants to. I don't want to just be the excess baggage that gets thrown to the side whenever work and his kids start taking up more of his free time. I don't want to be the backburner girl... I want to be a priority. I don't need him to drop everything for me, but... shit...

I feel like I'm letting him have the best of both worlds. He gets to go about his business without worrying about me, but at the same time knows that if he were to text me today and ask to come over tonight, I'd say yes... no problem. Personally, I think I deserve more than that.

Then... there's M. Oh M. He wants another chance so badly I can taste it. After being out in the dating world for about a year, I'm starting to wonder if that isn't such a bad idea after all. Honestly, if M moved down here and finished school/got a job (preferably both) and got his mental shit straightened out... I think things could actually work. Maybe... I dunno.

Maybe I'm just so jaded on the dating scene that I'm going back to my safety. I know M loves me more than anything in the world and that at one point in time I felt the same, so how hard could it be to get back to that point?

GAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

I think I just need to quit the dating thing for awhile and concentrate on the kids and I. I really haven't been single this whole past year and perhaps I need to figure out what I really want/need instead of just jumping from guy to guy.

I also think M needs to go out and experience different relationships before he just decides I'm the shit. It would devastate me if we did wind up getting back together (which is a far far far cry from actually happening) and then 15 years down the road he's like Oh wow... there's other women out there.

I also probably need my period to just go ahead and start because these hormones are a-ragin' and they are making me slightly emotional/crazy.

"I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know. Make my wish come true, all I want for Christmas is you..."

Best. Christmas. Song. Ever. Mariah Carey's version, OF COURSE.

It's been hard getting in the holiday spirit this year. My favorite part of Christmas is figuring out the PERFECT present for each person and then seeing their face when they open it and instead of the, ".... ohhh, you shouldn't have... really... you shouldn't have" look, they have the "Holy crap! How did you know?!" look.

Due to my non existent monies that I have, I don't think I'll be able to pull that off for anyone. I'm gonna download some new CDs I know my mom will like so that I can put something in her stocking and have the kids draw her some pictures. I feel if anyone in my life deserves a little present, it's her. God bless her for keeping us around.

I'm working all next week (minus New Years' Day) so at least I'll have a little money from that. Good lord, I can not tell you how much I want a job.

I'm starting to feel more holly, jolly and bright, in spite of the lack of gifts. I started my period so this horrible mood that I had been in finally went away. Whenever I start getting a little frustrated with the kids, I try and take a breather and remind myself that they are only 4 and 19 months. And my God, they are so cute and wonderful that it makes a lot easier to like them. Haha...

It's starting to come to the period where when I think back to where I was a year ago, it won't entail being in Lubbock as a family any more. I can't believe it. This time last year I was throwing myself into Christmas as part of my "fake it til you make it" plan. Things with M and I were all right, though strained. I knew that if just a couple things went wrong that it would be the end of us. Fortunately, he was kind enough to wait until after Christmas for the couple of things to go wrong.

Speaking of M... he's still in love with me and would do anything and go anywhere to prove that point to me. It breaks my heart, honestly. I wish that I could even try to reciprocate the feelings, try and give him another shot... but once I'm done... I'm done. I just want him to find someone that inspires him and makes him happy. Someone that he wants to pull all the strings together and get back on track. I know as well as the next guy how much unrequited love SUCKS and I don't want M to have to go through that. He deserves better than that.

As for the other man in my life, Mr Man invited me to crash their family gathering for Christmas since the kids and my mom will be out of town. If Mama winds up going that way with her man, than I'll probably hitch a ride and go hang out... otherwise I may just hang out here.... doing... nothing.

Other than that, due to the happiness in my relationship I have put on several lbs so I'm trying to not completely pig out like I've been doing so that when we go to Ruidoso for New Years weekend I don't look like a complete cow. I'd like to start 2010 looking halfway decent. Less than 10 days before this GOD FORSAKEN YEAR is OVER!

Wow... so, long time, no post...

I am officially divorced... as of Nov 20th.

It. Is. Glorious!

M still has his days when he wants to spew hate at me and when he wants me to be his friend. It's a very rough rollercoaster ride and perhaps it's my fault that I can't just disregard his need for me in his life. He has no support from his father and he's never been the type to confide in his guy friends. I am still very at peace for proceeding with the divorce and I know I'm in a much much better place, but I still want the best for M and if that means I'm a shoulder to lean on every once in awhile... I'm all right with that. Fortunately, the less than charming words are becoming much easier to brush off.

Mr Man and I are still going strong. Still have yet to have "the talk" but at this point I think it's pretty moot. He had to go out of town on short notice and needed someone to stay at the house with his son and I did. I've spent quite a bit of time with both of his kids... but I'm taking it very very slowly when it comes to A and C. They've both met him, but the amount of time they've spent with him is maybe an hour, collectively. A knows him as "my friend" and I'm good with that.

I don't know where this will wind up and I'm trying to not think too far in the future. I'm enjoying getting to know him and I like the fact that I have someone to randomly text throughout the day and when I need it... gripe to. He makes me very happy and he's a very good spooner. For now, that's good enough.

On a related and exciting note, he's taking me to Inn of the Mountain Gods for New Years' weekend. We're going snowboarding. I just hope I don't bring serious injury to myself considering the fact I have no insurance. Oh boy!

The kids are doing fabulously. C has really started adding a lot of words to his vocabulary. It seems his frustration level has somewhat risen and I think it's partly because he's so close to being able to communicate with actual words but his vocabulary is still limited. He is so amazing though... such a loving, happy boy (when he's not screeching). It still amazes me the difference in the relationship with him and A... equally as satisfying... yet completely different.

A is getting so big. She's a little kid now... not a toddler. I look at her sometimes and I'm like WHOA... when did you get so big?! She's still stubborn, stubborn, stubborn, stubborn, stubborn and she pushes her boundaries. Oh my GOD she pushes my buttons. At the same time, I love the fact that she'll carry this trait (hopefully in a productive manner) and not be a female that bows down, but rather stands up for what she believes in. For all her steadfastness/headstrong/stubbornness she is still insanely affectionate and so loving and has a very empathetic side to her.

Christmas is next week and it's a little bittersweet. I can't wait to see the magic of it through A's eyes again. I'll get the kids Christmas Eve and M gets them Christmas morning through Jan 3. I've always liked Christmas Eve more... so I'm happy that's my night. However, Christmas day will be... different. Mama is going out of town that morning and the kids will be gone and I'll be... alone. Mr Man will be out of town with his family. It just makes me wish I had brothers and sisters and what not that would be able to distract me so that I wouldn't be doing that day by myself. I mean, I have Daddy and what not but being as how they are J-Dubs... not real festive people on Christmas.

School is going well... the end is nearing and I'm excited/anxious. I wish I knew for sure what my job was going to be and that it was secured.