But, baby, how we spoon like no one else. -You and I/Ingrid Michaelson

I'm going to be reeeeeeeeeeeal freakin' happy when my day consists of something more exciting than finding a neat website (http://mashupbreakdown.com/) because I have been stuck in bed all the days. To add to my general feeling of suck assness, I now am constantly nauseous, but hungry. I finally decided tonight that I'm going to be nauseous whether or not I eat, so I might as well make myself REALLY nauseous and eat because at least then I will not be worried about being nauseous and hungry.

Praise Baby Jesus Jeremy was able to get off work tomorrow and is taking me to the doctor. I have no problem going to doctor appointments once I'm in an established relationship, but I do NOT like going on that first visit... especially if it's a lady-parts doctor. There's a lot of personal business to be handing out to someone and THEN you have to pay for it. Ugh... Anyhow, had Jeremy not been able to accompany me, I probably would not have gone and remained miserable until he was able to take me. I'm such a baby.

I have to give Jeremy a bit of props for taking care of me and the kids this past week. I am extremely fortunate that I have someone that loves me and the kids so much and works hard to provide for us. Plus he makes my heart so very happy and I know that I can always count on him for anything... even if I suddenly decide I want food 5 minutes after he gets home.

Jeremy got to spend lots of quality time with the girls this weekend, due to my invalidness. They had a slumber party Friday night, which I took part of the first half. Ren is little Miss Social Butterfly and was texting all night long, which consisted of gossipping about one of the girls at school. Oh my goodness, there is a mini teenager living here, at the grand ol' age of 9. I am slightly disturbed by this. Ava is only 4 years behind and I'm not ready for her to be gossipping via text with one of her friends. It's already weird enough that she is in luuuuv with one of the little boys in her class.

Gah... our house is in shambles again. We finally got all the parts for our kitchen table and we rearragned our kitchen and I'm all disoriented when I walk into that part of the house. I was trying to find my Soul Pancake book and I could vividly remember just having seen it somewhere, but it was nowhere to be found... until I looked on top of the microwave. Well. Of course. Why wouldn't it be on the microwave?

What drains your soul? What recharges it?
Drainers:

• being sick
• money - or lack thereof
• lack of sleep/too much sleep
• being on the receiving end of tattling
• things breaking - me, the car, etc.
• comparing myself to others - you know, getting hung up on thinking that so and so is doing so and so and why am I not doing so and so
• dirtiness/clutter

Rechargers:

• hearing/seeing the kids playing together
• random "I love yous"
• full tank of gas and full kitchen of groceries/no clothes in the laundry
• getting to sleep in and waking up at a half way decent hour and feeling rested, or if I have to be woken up, getting woken up by a happy baby saying "Hi Mommy"
• going out of town
• laughing
• spending time with Jeremy/Erin/family/friends

List 5 questions you hate not having an answer to:

1. Is there a God and what exactly is he/she/it?
2. Will I ever get that degree/dream job that I want?
3. What happens when you die, and does it allow me to meet Jimi Hendrix, Bob Marley, Tupac, Jim Morrison and Stevie Ray Vaughan?
4. What the fuck is wrong with me? (at the present moment, I'm talking physically, but on other days, that can pertain to mental/emotional state)
5. What do I need to be reading/listening to/watching? (I feel like I'm out of the loop on good tunes/books/movies and so desperately want to educate myself.)

And now a song:

Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have been completely worthless since Sunday night. I'm 99% sure that I have some kicking endometriosis going on and it is causing my life to be less than pleasant. I feel like I've been in labor for DAYS and it is no good for me.


However, it is working wonders for my diet. Partly because I'm not hungry and partly because I needed to go grocery shopping last Thursday and never went so even if I was hungry, the cupboards are bare.

Jeremy's been a wonderful caretaker and has pretty much taken care of the kids since I've been out of commission. The house is in complete shambles, but since I'm alive and kicking, I guess I'll tackle that.

Brooke is coming over tonight for wedding planning!!!! I think that any final decisions as to what I like are going to be posted here; that way I can keep up with what's been figured out and what hasn't.

No working out thus far... Think that will start next week, but I haven't had one cup of coffee and I've had less than one whole can of coke since Sunday.
 
Okay after that mundane-ness, now we move onto more pressing questions from Soul Pancake:
How do you reconcile discrepancies between reason and faith?
Ha. I don't. I think this is the reason that I'm having such a hard time finding my faith. I can't just take things at face value, I have to delve deeper. I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing, but when it comes to trying to put reason behind something that I can't see, hear, touch, small or taste... it gets to be impossible. I have faith in the people I love. I know Jeremy will always be true to me and always love me just the way I am. I know that he will always tell me the truth (just as long as I ask him). I know that my kids will always love me, but they will have times that they won't like me. I know this because this is how I'm raising them. I know Erin will always just be a phone call away. I can't say that I have faith in a higher being to lead me out of hardship or that will welcome me with open arms into the afterlife. Hell, I don't even know if I believe in an afterlife. I think to have faith, you have to put a certain bit of reason aside and I'm just not there yet.
 
What is the interplay between fate and free will?
I am a firm believer in free will. Fate... not so much. I think I believe more in the power of impeccable timing. Take Jeremy and I for instance. We met each other at my dad's retirment party June 09. I have no recollection of us meeting, but he is insistent that we did. He was still with Brandy and I was in looooooooooooooove with Ben. If one of us were single at that time, it wouldn't have made a difference. If both of us were single at that time, I still don't think it would've made a difference. I wasn't at the place I needed to be for a serious relationship (though I thought I was with Ben). Then, we both got single around the same time and were introduced and the rest was history. Impeccable timing, not fate. I think that everybody has the opportunities to have their "dreams come true" but sometimes it comes at a time or a form that we're less than thrilled with because they're not what we imagined.
 
How do thoughts affect reality?
HUGELY! I believe you can think yourself happy and magically, your life is filled with nothing but sunshine and rainbows. If so inclined, you can think yourself into despair and your life is one big huge tragedy. Thinking that I could keep my marriage together and that things would get better kept me married for far far longer than it should've. It's easy to be overwhelmed by things that get thrown at you, but if you don't let them consume you and deal with what you can, when you can... things get A LOT easier.

A moment, a love / a dream, aloud / a kiss, a cry / our rights, our wrongs - Sweet Disposition/Temper Trap

School starts tomorrow and I'm feeling quite torn about it. I'll miss lounging around with the kids, but I won't miss being at 2, sometimes 4, little folks' beck and call. I'll miss not having to rush out of the house in the morning, but I am ever so happy that the lovely children are going to be back in school.

One of my Christmas presents that I asked for was a book called "Soul Pancake" by Rainn Wilson (the guy who plays Dwight on The Office). It "urges you to explore philosophy, creativity, spirituality, love, truth, science and so much more", apparently. I've been reading a lot about religions lately. I think because I'm trying to figure out what my stance is on religion/spirituality/God/Flying Spaghetti Monster/whatever. My childhood was spent being a Jehovah's Witness and my mom's side, minus my mom, is still practicing. I did the whole Baptist thing in high school. Had a sudden "spiritual awakening" whenever Matt's mom died and kindda sorta did the church thing because I felt I needed to find Jesus since I had a kid and one on the way.

Since splitting from Matt, I have been less than moved to find Jesus... I guess if I had to classify myself at this point in time, I would say I was agnostic. It's not that I don't want to believe in something, I just don't know what's true and what's not... if there is anything that is exactly true. There just seems to be a lot of picking and choosing and how do you know which one has picked and chosen the exact right combination.

Meh... anyway, you're supposed to ponder on "life's big questions" in this Soul Pancake book, so I figured that I might as well get it all in writing because sometimes I don't think you really know how you feel until you try and verbalize it.

So onto question #1:
How do you determine truth?
For the simple things in life, I rely on Google. The bigger questions get a little bit more complicated. I used to just go for what I was told. The older I become, the more inquisitive I am. I like to make an informed opinion and it may change the next day, but at least I feel like I'm trying to educate myself instead of just being spoon fed information. Other things, I think it just comes down to how you feel in your heart, your gut.

Funny thing when it comes to truth, even though Matt and I are divorced, I spent so much time figuring out when he was lying that I can still call his bullshit over a phone call. I sometimes think I should be a private detective.

Don't let the man get you down. -Empire Records

So it's a whole new year, some are saying its a whole new decade, but I think that's up for debate. Kind of a tomato/tomato thing.

Ive been wanting to start writing again, but i like clean beginnings and decided that new years day was the day I was going to start.

Life is good. As a line from one of my recent favorite songs goes, "we may not have any money/but we've got our love to pay the bills." Christmas with four kids is riiiiiidiculous, but completely worth it. Overall, I can't complain. I love our little house and the kids and of course Jeremy. There are things that if I could wave my magic wand, I would change (ahem, new transmission for the suburban) but, I think that's life.

No Jan 1 post is complete without a little new years resolution action, so here goes:

1. Get healthy. I'm not going to put my normal "lose xx pounds" because that's not really indicative of being healthy. I'm talking about working out, being active, at least 5 times a week. Eating better! Less fast food, less convenience food, less red meat, more fresh veggies/fruits, less cokes and more water!

2. Better handling of money. We have the wedding coming up and eventually I would reeeeeaaaally like to buy our own house so we need to get a handle on our debt and start saving!

3. Pay off my stupid tickets so as to not go to the pokey and be able to replace my long lost license.

4. Be patient; with the kids, Jeremy, life. Most of the time that I feel harried and feel like the kids are dragging ass is because I'm not allotting enough time. Plus, I just need to chill every once in awhile.

5. Organization! I've been working on this a bit already, but I definitely want to keep it up.

6. I would really like to start taking some classes to fill in the gaps in my missing basics through OC. I need to get in touch with tech and see what needs to get done.

7. More experiences with the kids. Were slightly limited as far as "adventures" go, due to being down to one car and our limited income, but I want to start doing more stuff with the kids. The internets is bound to have something to inspire my cheap adventure seeking self!

8. Plan my freaking wedding!!!!

9. Keep up with writing. I got overwhelmed a lot last year and I think if I use this as an outlet, it'll really help out and maybe keep me from having to get a prescription of Xanax.

10. Read more! Anything and everything, but I think focusing on non fiction is a good start.

There we go. A nice even 10.

Shit. I came up with another one, but that's okay. 11 for 2011

11. Be more social. I have turned into a hermit. I need to keep in better contact with friends and make more of an effort to see them, live and in person.

Likes:

• Jeremy and I went to the fair yesterday and got to eat corndogs and roasted corn and fried cheese (yuck), watch Zumba (which I'm totally going to do once I get this GODFORSAKEN boot off of my foot), and then watched a roller derby bout
• We also went and hung out with my mom and her manfriend to watch the UT-TTU game. The game was not so much a like, but I think my mom knows that J is not some evil man looking to take her daughter from her and she hugged him as we left, much better
• Sleeping until noon today. OMG it is so good. I'm still laying in bed.
• Ava throwing her guns up in between plays during her soccer game yesterday

Dislikes:

• I miss Mike Leach. TTU games are just not as exciting to watch as they used to be. They're just a subpar college team that are a dime a dozen. Boo.
• GODFORSAKEN boot
• Learning that just the actions (sometimes quite thoughtless) of J's ex are out of his control and that even though I didn't choose to have her in my life, I chose to have J in my life and she comes along with that because she is his baby mama after all.
• Ava's coach needs to start coaching, perhaps teaching some concepts of the game. She played a team of 4-5 yr olds yesterday that kicked their aaaaaaaaaass. Had one little girl that would go jump in goalie spot whenever Ava's team got close to scoring. They were off the chain and everyone knows I don't like getting beat, even if it's my daughter's team getting beat.

Next time I see you, I'm giving you a high five, cause hugs are overrated. -S.O.S./Jonas Brothers

Baby Jesus

We survived the Camp Rock 2: Final Jam concert extravaganza.

There were a few tiffs here and there, but overall, for our first family (minus Corbin) outing, it was pretty good. Definitely memorable.

Jonas Brothers aren't the coolest band, but it's making music accessible to younger kids and I want Ava to develop the same kind of love for music that I have, so I'm all right with her swooning over them right now... I just hope in the future, she'll develop a bit of a more educated love of music instead of what the radio feeds here. /end music snob rant

The girls all had their first soccer games on Saturday and it was insanity. Emma's was filled with DRAMA from the parents and the coaches and completely made it 100% entertaining. Ren's team is pretty good and she got to be the captain. Ava scored ELEVEN goals. ELEVEN. She was on fire. She goes for that ball and does not let up AT ALL. She's not quite getting that the team is on her side and she doesn't have to get the ball away from them, but she'll get it. I was bursting with pride for sure and probably need to work on my sideline mom-ness, but HELLO, my kid rocked it.

We've listened to more of life's end gong than the sound of life's sweet bells. -Missed the Boat/Modest Mouse

I will be attending the Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam LIVE! concert in Dallas on Sunday.

My music soul is crying a little bit.

Thankfully, I will be in the company of 3 little girls aged 4-9, so I feel as though the music gods will spare me a lashing or two.

This will be our first "family" trip, minus a Corbin since he's not really of Camp Rock age and pray to God he's never in the Camp Rock fan club. He's already got 3 big sisters to influence him, no use egging it on.

So, I stepped in a hole on Ava's first day of school and jacked up my ankle. Jacked up meaning I tore all the ligaments in it and possibly fractured one of the bones but to get a definite answer on the fracture, a MRI would have to be done and, uh, I'm uninsured. Shit don't come cheap. Anyway, I've been in this God forsaken boot for two weeks. Jesus Christ, I thought we were already almost in 3 week territory, boo. I. Am. Over. It. I know that it could be much worse and there are people in far worse situations, but I am used to walking normally wearing shoes on both feet, or no shoes on both feet, but certainly not constantly wearing a boot that weighs 30 lbs to lug around day and night. I will have this boot on for at least 2 more weeks and for the first time in many months, I am SO fired up to work out and can not. Less than thrilled.

Jeremy and I are trying this whole budgeting thing and we did REALLY good the paycheck before last, but then we got a little extra money this paycheck and it's gone on freakin' fast food and a date night outing, which consisted of a TWELVE dollar shot. We live in West Texas, there is NO need for a TWELVE dollar shot. Jeremy faced the wrath of me after that one. We need to realize that extra money does not mean, WOO HOO JACKPOT, but rather, Hey, let's do something productive with this, like, perhaps buy pots and pans so that we can eat at home. I hate being an adult sometimes.

The end is near with the shanty! I guess Mike got his end finished up this weekend, so we need to do a little painting here and there and bada bing bada boom... we can move in. Hallelujah! It's going to be soooooooooo very nice to have our own place. I can hardly wait. I have not had my own place since Jan 3, 2009 and that is a LONG. FREAKING. TIME. when you have 2 kids and a Jeremy and sometimes his 2 kids.

This is random, but Keira was watching some show on her Rural Farming channel (gotta love country life) and apparently, it was/is the 20th anniversary of Lane Frost's death. Lane Frost was a bull rider who got stepped on, I believe, and the movie 8 Seconds is about him. ANYHOW, the guys were saying that he was a giant of a man and he believes that people like him are put on the Earth for only a short period of time and if we ever get a chance to spend time with someone like that, we need to grasp that opportunity. It just reminded me of Travis and how very fortunate I was to have been able to have known him. Instead of griping about having to wear a boot Travis would probably rig up some contraption to make it work for him instead of against him. It's nice to have him as a reminder every once in awhile when I start taking life a little too serious.

Corbin is this active, talking, little person now. It is just blowing my mind. He continues to steal my heart on a daily basis. It's so very true about how there's just something special about a relationship between a daughter and a father and the relationship between a mother and a son. I think mother and daughters, however strong the relationship may be, will clash heads until the daughter grows on into adulthood and then suddenly they are the best of friends. I also think, sons and fathers are the same way. But growing up, daddys will always have their baby girl's back and mamas will always have their baby boy's.