It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. ~Benjamin Disraeli

God. Bless. Tax refunds.

I just filed our tax returns and talk about feeling Oprah rich for a minute. It's seriously going to help so insanely much and pretty much already spent but WHO CARES!! We'll have two cars again and no tickets and Jeremy can get new glasses and YAY!

I'm watching some show on 9/11 right now and Corbin's sitting with me talking about airplanes. It's weird to think that he'll only learn about 9/11 in school and he'll come home and ask me about it and wonder where I was or how it affected me.

On a completely different note, yesterday was Jeremy's birthday. I was in a horrible mood yesterday; not exactly sure why. It was one of those days where I just needed everyone to give me a pass on being grumpy for a sec and then I would've gotten over it. However, being as how it was Jeremy's birthday he did not want one second of grumpiness from anyone. Basically it was an afternoon/evening of bickering, apologizing for bickering, followed by some more bickering.

You know how there are people that say to never go to sleep angry? Yeah, that's great in theory, but I think in some cases calling it a night and sleeping on it can bring a much needed change of perspective on things. We're all better now so life is good.

Winter is Nature's way of saying: "Up yours."

I am so over winter it's not even funny. Today is the first day in almost a week that the temp is expected to get out of the teens. Over it! We had to break down and come stay at Jeremy's parents house the past two nights because our house was fuh-reezing and there's the whole pipes being frozen as well, which made for a less than fabulous time.

Good lord, I went to the house to get some clothes for the kids because they're spending the night with Matt's dad. Anyway, so our humble abode has no central heating (I know, 21st century and no central heating... What can ya do?) Thus far it hasn't been a problem, given that we live in Texas and all. Space heaters and blankets get the job done on chilly nights. Then Hell decided to freeze over and we haven't been home since Wednesday afternoon. This also means no space heaters have been going on. We now have a sink full of dishes encased in ICE due to our dripping faucet not doing their job of keeping water going and the pipes freezing so water froze. Our toilet has a big ol block of ice in there. I mean, seriously. Only my house would be capable of making it's own ICE. INDOORS!

This will all be worth it when we have our beautiful house in a couple of years and we will sit with the heater cranked up and a fire going and we'll laugh about the olden days in the shanty.

Reason #7 For Not Getting a Tattoo: People will know you are running your own life, instead of listening to them! -Sailor Jerry

I am reeeeeeeeeeeally wanting a new tattoo. Actually, I'm really wanting a lot of tattoos. I have a bunch of ideas and now I just need to come up with the funds, BOO! I want a dandelion on my foot/ankle, the treble clef/heart design from our wedding invites on the inside of my wrist, "bella vida" on the inside of my other wrist (to remind me that no matter how crazy and hectic everything is, my life really is beautiful), a gypsy woman, the quote "not all those who wander are lost"... perhaps on my upper right shoulder. I know for sure I need to get my bird tattoo touched up before the wedding because that thing is faded as can be. I need to find someone that does a kick ass job so that I can just go to the same person instead of changing artists every single time.

It is sleeting outside and supposed to snow through out the night with a windchill of -5 in the morning. I don't care what ECISD says, tomorrow is a snow day. I am SO ready to be done with stupid winter it's not even funny. I like snow when I'm on a mountain, staying in a resort. I do not like the snow when I'm in Odessa and people clean out the grocery stores like it's the Snowpocalypse. Ski towns know how to act when it snows; Odessa just comes to a stand still. 

Sunday we went over to my dad's and got A LOT of wedding stuff figured out. We changed where the actual ceremony is going to take place. I had wanted it under the willow trees, but it would take a lot of work to get the background ceremony ready. Now we're just doing it in the backyard under these two oak trees that kind of form an arch. It's cool though because those trees were grown from acorns that were by my grandpa (dad's dad) grave the day that he was buried. 

We went to a birthday party Saturday night and while I was there I got numbers for a hairdresser, baker, photographer and DJ. Very productive along with being a VERY fun night. We stayed the night over there in Elliott's son's room since we had imbibed in one or seven drinks. I woke up in the middle of the night and had NO idea where I was. I haven't had that feeling in a loooooong time. It's especially unsettling when you wake up on outer space sheets with a Nirvana poster over the bed. Kind of like What. The. Fuck. just happened. Ha.

Now I feel like I'm on top of this wedding planning or at least have some kind of direction so I'm much, much less overwhelmed. In 131 days I'm going to marry Jeremy. I can't believe it. I met him a year ago. I figured he was just going to be a dude to hang out with and holy shit, have my expectations been exceeded. I love that man!

Music is my religion. -Jimi Hendrix

So, there's this blog and I got the idea to make a "Life List" from it. I'm working up to 100 things and they can be found right over here on the right. I got a little lax on finding new music after I had the children folk and since music is something I've always been SO passionate about... that's NO good. I want to seek out music, stumble upon it, soak it in. Stuff with feeling, stuff that is shallow but puts a little pep in my step, stuff that just sounds awesome. I want a new song for every day of the year for a grand total of 365, obviously. Here's the beginning...

1. Jezebel - Iron and Wine


2. Hoppipolla - Sigur Ros


3. Chandeliers - Summer Fiction


4. Block After Block - Matt and Kim


5. All Summer - Kid Cudi ft. Rostam Batmanglij and Bethany Cosentino



6. As We Enter - Nas and Damian Marley



7. Brand New Colony - The Postal Service



8. In the Cold, Cold Night - The White Stripes



9. Jesus Christ - Brand New



10. Clementine - Washington



11. Comes and Goes - Greg Laswell



And that's enough new material for now. BUT, a song came on that I've been in love with for over a year and every time I hear it, it takes my breath away, if only for just a second.

Some people feel the rain, others just get wet. -Bob Marley

I am soooooooooo ready for us to be back to two cars. This dropping off, picking up every single family member all day long is driving me nuts! If I had errands to run, or was a kept woman and could just go shopping in between it wouldn't be as bad. Instead I drop off, back to house, drop off, back to house, pick up, back to the house, drop off, back to the house, pick up, back to the house, pick up, back to the house. I am a straight up taxi service.

While I'm on my mommy-talk kick, I know I have like 2 followers, but this has worked WONDERS for Corbin, so I had to give it a shout out for anyone who has eczema or has a kid with it. Corbin's eczema started flaring up when we moved to Midland in Jan 09 and while it is exponentially better than what it was back then, he still gets flare ups behind his legs and his ankles. We have used every. single. OTC for eczema or dry skin out there. Eucerin does fine for maintanence, but Cortizone 10 Intensive Healing Lotion for Eczema is magical. His legs can be HORRIBLE and if I put it on him at night, by the morning, they are soft and smooth and not bothering him at all.

In other news, I have finally done something wedding related, I got wedding invitations/RSVP cards designed and they will be paid for/ordered this weekend. They look a little something like below, except changes to color and text.

I had been looking for concert-poster style invites, but I couldn't find anything for a price that fit our dirt cheap budget. I looked on etsy and found this store, InvitingMoments, and am soooooo happy. I got 75 invites, RSVP postcards, envelopes and address labels for $135, which includes design fee and printing. Could not be happier. She was super duper fast with everything and had no trouble making all the changes I asked for.

On to other dirt cheap wedding business... I have found my dress. I've had it in mind for awhile, but I've kept perusing to see if that was what I really wanted because it was one of the first ones I looked at. I found it on ebay. That's right. I think with shipping and everything it should cost about $159. I'm taking a gamble here, by getting something I've never tried on, made for dirt cheap in Singapore, but I've read lots of reviews and everyone has been more than happy with their results. So now for the unveiling...

I am in love with it. Just need to get really started on the diet/workout so it'll be on point. It's custom made, so I'll be putting my order in April 1 and should get in early May, which will leave times for alterations and all that. So in a few months, everyone can either call me a dumbass or a genius depending on the outcome of this ebay dress adventure.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."


— Bob Marley

We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same. -Anne Frank

Ah the children folk... God love 'em!

I've stepped back from the freak out I was having with the stepmother-ing. I just get all overwhelmed and hit my limit and then I decompress and am ready for another dose of stress! Yay life.

So far this week has been full of hanging out with the kids. Ava is so her own little independent person. She's started on a kick with coming and telling me that I am the best mommy out of all the other mommies, which is an awesome compliment. She's definitely comfortable with Jeremy and has become much more affectionate with him. She's starting to read and is soaking up everything she learns in school. I can't believe that she's going to be starting big girl school in August.

Corbin is a busy dude. He's always putting things together or has some make believe play world going on where the inhabitants are all sorts of chatty. It makes me laugh that about a year ago, Matt and I were worried he had some form of autism because the boy wouldn't speak and now he talks ALL. THE. TIME. We got him a Hot Wheels track pack for Christmas and that thing keeps him entertained for hours. It's amazing. He's still a super affectionate Mama's boy and I'm not ready for that to go away so I'm soaking that up.

This weekend I'm going out to Daddy's so that I can get some help working on the wedding. I am like a shotgun blast as far as my planning goes. I have a lot of ideas but they are not in any kind of cohesive form. I need direction, dammit.

This weekend we went to a birthday party for one of Jeremy's nursing school classmate's daughter. It was quite the experience because we were the only white folks there. Everyone else was Egyptian, Iranian, Iraqi, Armenian, Pakistani, Afghanis. The girls were informed that they were the only kids who could only speak one language. Not many kids in West Texas get to experience that kind of diversity and if there's anything that I want my kids to learn, is that there are all different types of people in the world and that is something to be embraced.

There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings. ~Hodding Carter, Jr.

Parenting is hard.

Being a step parent is even harder.

When you have your kids you can parent them as you want, hopefully in a productive manner, and carry on. Normally, both the parents of the kid have each other backs. If you're divorced and lucky, which I am in this area, you both have the kids' best interests in mind so you still have each other's backs.

When you have step kids... WHOOOOOOOOOOLE different ball game.

My kids were a year and a half and 4 when Jeremy came along so they're pretty used to him telling them what to do. Ava butts her head from time to time, but for the most part, they seem him as just another person in their parenting world that handles all the same business as the other two.

Jeremy's girls were 6 and 8 when I came in the picture and a year later, I feel like I have less of a handle on it then I did back then. That's not to say that I'm not up to it or that I'm going to jump ship, I'm just somewhat frustrated. Jeremy had his way of parenting up until now, I had mine and they are very different.

It's an adjustment for everyone. How do you choose which parts to compromise on and which ones to stand firm? How do you parent your children and your step children equally without being a hypocrite to yours and sending your stepkids into a culture shock? How do you merge not only the parenting styles of yourself and your new partner and also your kids' other parents so that even if they are going from one house to the other you still manage to give them some semblance of continuity?

OY VEY!

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the girls don't have a set schedule as to when they will be here and when they won't, so there's no structure for them or for me. I know when my kids are going to be here and when it's coming up on Matt's weekend, I'm not going to lie, I look forward to it. I like having a little time to myself. I like knowing that every other weekend, I'm going to have a little break where I can rest and recharge and maybe have adult time so that I can be a better mom to my kids. I know there are moms who thrive on their time with their kids and whose world revolves around them. I LOVE my babies, they are amazing. I can't imagine my life without them, but I need a break from time to time. I need to know when I'm going to be taking care of two kids or four kids and for what duration of time. Not because I don't love having all four kids here, but because I need to get my mind right.

I just want to be a good mom and I feel like I'm backsliding in the step parent area.