"I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know. Make my wish come true, all I want for Christmas is you..."

Best. Christmas. Song. Ever. Mariah Carey's version, OF COURSE.

It's been hard getting in the holiday spirit this year. My favorite part of Christmas is figuring out the PERFECT present for each person and then seeing their face when they open it and instead of the, ".... ohhh, you shouldn't have... really... you shouldn't have" look, they have the "Holy crap! How did you know?!" look.

Due to my non existent monies that I have, I don't think I'll be able to pull that off for anyone. I'm gonna download some new CDs I know my mom will like so that I can put something in her stocking and have the kids draw her some pictures. I feel if anyone in my life deserves a little present, it's her. God bless her for keeping us around.

I'm working all next week (minus New Years' Day) so at least I'll have a little money from that. Good lord, I can not tell you how much I want a job.

I'm starting to feel more holly, jolly and bright, in spite of the lack of gifts. I started my period so this horrible mood that I had been in finally went away. Whenever I start getting a little frustrated with the kids, I try and take a breather and remind myself that they are only 4 and 19 months. And my God, they are so cute and wonderful that it makes a lot easier to like them. Haha...

It's starting to come to the period where when I think back to where I was a year ago, it won't entail being in Lubbock as a family any more. I can't believe it. This time last year I was throwing myself into Christmas as part of my "fake it til you make it" plan. Things with M and I were all right, though strained. I knew that if just a couple things went wrong that it would be the end of us. Fortunately, he was kind enough to wait until after Christmas for the couple of things to go wrong.

Speaking of M... he's still in love with me and would do anything and go anywhere to prove that point to me. It breaks my heart, honestly. I wish that I could even try to reciprocate the feelings, try and give him another shot... but once I'm done... I'm done. I just want him to find someone that inspires him and makes him happy. Someone that he wants to pull all the strings together and get back on track. I know as well as the next guy how much unrequited love SUCKS and I don't want M to have to go through that. He deserves better than that.

As for the other man in my life, Mr Man invited me to crash their family gathering for Christmas since the kids and my mom will be out of town. If Mama winds up going that way with her man, than I'll probably hitch a ride and go hang out... otherwise I may just hang out here.... doing... nothing.

Other than that, due to the happiness in my relationship I have put on several lbs so I'm trying to not completely pig out like I've been doing so that when we go to Ruidoso for New Years weekend I don't look like a complete cow. I'd like to start 2010 looking halfway decent. Less than 10 days before this GOD FORSAKEN YEAR is OVER!

Wow... so, long time, no post...

I am officially divorced... as of Nov 20th.

It. Is. Glorious!

M still has his days when he wants to spew hate at me and when he wants me to be his friend. It's a very rough rollercoaster ride and perhaps it's my fault that I can't just disregard his need for me in his life. He has no support from his father and he's never been the type to confide in his guy friends. I am still very at peace for proceeding with the divorce and I know I'm in a much much better place, but I still want the best for M and if that means I'm a shoulder to lean on every once in awhile... I'm all right with that. Fortunately, the less than charming words are becoming much easier to brush off.

Mr Man and I are still going strong. Still have yet to have "the talk" but at this point I think it's pretty moot. He had to go out of town on short notice and needed someone to stay at the house with his son and I did. I've spent quite a bit of time with both of his kids... but I'm taking it very very slowly when it comes to A and C. They've both met him, but the amount of time they've spent with him is maybe an hour, collectively. A knows him as "my friend" and I'm good with that.

I don't know where this will wind up and I'm trying to not think too far in the future. I'm enjoying getting to know him and I like the fact that I have someone to randomly text throughout the day and when I need it... gripe to. He makes me very happy and he's a very good spooner. For now, that's good enough.

On a related and exciting note, he's taking me to Inn of the Mountain Gods for New Years' weekend. We're going snowboarding. I just hope I don't bring serious injury to myself considering the fact I have no insurance. Oh boy!

The kids are doing fabulously. C has really started adding a lot of words to his vocabulary. It seems his frustration level has somewhat risen and I think it's partly because he's so close to being able to communicate with actual words but his vocabulary is still limited. He is so amazing though... such a loving, happy boy (when he's not screeching). It still amazes me the difference in the relationship with him and A... equally as satisfying... yet completely different.

A is getting so big. She's a little kid now... not a toddler. I look at her sometimes and I'm like WHOA... when did you get so big?! She's still stubborn, stubborn, stubborn, stubborn, stubborn and she pushes her boundaries. Oh my GOD she pushes my buttons. At the same time, I love the fact that she'll carry this trait (hopefully in a productive manner) and not be a female that bows down, but rather stands up for what she believes in. For all her steadfastness/headstrong/stubbornness she is still insanely affectionate and so loving and has a very empathetic side to her.

Christmas is next week and it's a little bittersweet. I can't wait to see the magic of it through A's eyes again. I'll get the kids Christmas Eve and M gets them Christmas morning through Jan 3. I've always liked Christmas Eve more... so I'm happy that's my night. However, Christmas day will be... different. Mama is going out of town that morning and the kids will be gone and I'll be... alone. Mr Man will be out of town with his family. It just makes me wish I had brothers and sisters and what not that would be able to distract me so that I wouldn't be doing that day by myself. I mean, I have Daddy and what not but being as how they are J-Dubs... not real festive people on Christmas.

School is going well... the end is nearing and I'm excited/anxious. I wish I knew for sure what my job was going to be and that it was secured.

I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent. -Gandhi

I love chaos.

I stay glued to the news whenever the shit hits the fan.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want anybody to get hurt, or worse killed.

When disaster strikes, whether it be natural, accidental or carried out by man, I am absolutely captivated. I find myself wondering what it would be like to be waiting to hear that a loved one is okay and all the emotions and thoughts that must be running through their heads. Wondering what it would be like to be going about your day as normal and all the sudden some crazy tragedy is taking place right where you are.

Today there was a mass shooting at Ft Hood. A soldier was one of the shooters. Not just any soldier, an Army psychiatrist. I'm not one to be emotionally affected by these events... just captivated. I didn't cry when 9/11 happened. Maybe it's because I have that military tie. Maybe it's the fact that BB was at one point stationed there and despite his abrupt exit, I still can't help but imagine what he must be feeling. He still knows people back there. He lived there. I'm just bothered by this event and I can't really figure out why.

They keep talking about the mental strain this war is taking on the soldiers, the multiple deployments and PTSD and what not. Ft Hood is where soldiers are sent to "reset" from combat stress. I've seen the effect that combat and the war have on people, my people. This war... whatever it does or doesn't do... no matter how good the outcome is (which, in my opinion, isn't going to be a world changing positive outcome)... there's still thousands of troops who will suffer mentally for the rest of their lives. Some will suffer so badly that they will end their lives, and apparently the lives of others, because the mental suffering is just too much to deal with.

It's so fucking unfair, but at the same time it's what these guys sign up for. Why the Hell isn't the government doing more? Yeah, there's the VA but the military is so prone to having this hard ass attitude that the ratio of people that need help and the actual number of people getting help is so skewed. The exit counseling is a joke. So many of the guys straight up lie just so that they won't be labeled as crazy. Military personnel shifting to civilian life are basically fucked because they have been in this insanely structured environment for so long that they don't know how to act like a normal person.

I'm just... flabbergasted.

I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Haley's comet. -The Hangover

I want to keep Alan from The Hangover in my pocket with me at all times because he just really makes me happy. He wouldn't even need to talk. Just stand there all beardy, poorly dressed with a baby strapped on him.

I've had this kind of epiphany lately and I feel the need to document it.

I tripped balls whenever I turned 25. Like, had a REAL freakin' hard time with it.

Possibly due to the fact that I hadn't graduated college, had no job, nor job prospects, yet was married with two children... I don't know. I just didn't feel like my life equaled 25. Some kind of mental disconnect or something.

For some reason I had this perception that 30 is some magical grown up age. Kind of like game over... it's srs business time. Anywho, after dating two guys in their 30s... I've realized that is not true.

Basically, as long as you've got your shit together, can pay your bills and take care of your responsibilities you can still partake in activities that are not all srs business.

Anyway, it makes me quite excited about the future. Since leaving M, I think I've let a lot of the newfound single mother responsibility age me mentally. I feel A LOT older than 26. Instead of feeling like my young days are far behind me, I'm trying to take it one day at a time with the responsibility thing while still enjoy as much of that day as I can.

There has been a lot of crap going on, just in the last week alone, and I could really be in a bad place right now, but I'm so cool with life now. I was a ball of nauseous nerves on Monday due to the fact that I thought I was getting divorced the next day and then I had a two hour crying/pissed off as all hell moment when I learned I was not getting divorced the next day. I however, took lemons (in reality, limes) and turned them into partners of tequila shots with Mr Man and had a splendid end to a really really really shitty day.

I've made a new hobby of harassing my lawyer's assistant multiple times a day to see when the new court date will be. Honestly, I probably won't have a final hearing until 2010, but whatever, I'll get there. I just am trying really hard to not stress out about the stuff that I have little to no control over and take care of the stuff that I do.

I'm in a good place.

Yeah... that whole thing about the final hearing being tomorrow?

Don't worry 'bout it.

Fucking piece of shit lawyer dropped the fucking ball.

Final hearing: TBA

F.M.L.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. -Marilyn Monroe

My final hearing is tomorrow.

I feel like I should feel different.

Sad?

Angry?

Relieved?

Happy?

I just feel kind of numb.

Things have been hashed and rehashed and hashed again. I've said my I'm sorry's. M's said his. Basically, M and I couldn't get our shit together at the right time. Maybe if I had left earlier when I wasn't completely beat down I would've had something left inside me to give as a second chance. Instead I stayed until I could not stay anymore. I stayed until I lost who I was as a person and could not recognize my own face in the mirror. I stayed until I could physically feel the weight of the relationship lift off my shoulders as I backed out of our driveway on Jan 3.

I'm so nauseous. I just want this to be over with. I want this *thing* to stop hanging over my head.

Fuck.

I hugged M today and I smelled him and it was so familiar. I can't even begin to count all the times he held me in that exact spot. Times when I was happy, sad, crazy, mad, lost...

It just pisses me off that after everything that we went through together (which is more than most people go through in a lifetime and we hit it all in less than 5 years) that it just fell apart.

I know I'm making the right decision for myself and the kids. M is the exact same person that he was in Jan and I'm not. It doesn't mean that it makes it any easier to know that tomorrow I'm walking into a courtroom to legally end my marriage to the man that is the father of my children... the man that at one time I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

I don't want you to go, I'll eat you up I love you so. -Where the Wild Things Are

My final hearing is in a week. INSANE. I'm so ready to get this over with. M is going back and forth from being friendly and easy to get along with and then the next minute he's telling me all of my character flaws and how he doesn't know how not to hate me. I just pray that he actually shows up to the hearing that way we don't have to do the whole dog and pony show with the judge if he doesn't.

A turned FOUR on Saturday. Can not believe that. She's a little kid now. Not a toddler... a little kid. I took her on a date for her bday yesterday since M had her this weekend. We got nails and toes done, did some Halloween shopping, went out to eat and took her to her first movie in a theater. Went and saw Where the Wild Things Are... not exactly what I expected. It was actually kind of a downer in a lot of parts. I'm loving watching her develop into her own little person. Absolutely independent and headstrong and at times frustrating as all get out, but it's like she already knows exactly who she is. I am already so proud of her.

My Great Granny got life flighted into OD yesterday after her heart rate dropped and they couldn't get her back up after what was supposed to be a minor procedure removing some lumps from her breast. Being as how my mom is disfellowshipped from the whole J-Dub organization, she is essentially cut off from her family. Since I was never baptized, I get to be as worldly as I want to be and they'll still associate with me. It's the most bass-ackwards arrangement ever. Anyway, my mom went to the hospital last night and saw her dad for the first time since mine and M's wedding and saw her sister, who she didn't even recognize, for the first time in 15 years. My mom's best friend came over to watch the kids so I could go offer some moral support. It was an emotional evening. The last time I was in the ICU of that hospital was when M's mom died. Walking down the hallway I had flashbacks of that day and it just made my stomach turn. When my mom and I talked to my granny her heart rate spiked and she was fidgeting so much because she wanted to hug us. It was absolutely heart wrenching. I'll be surprised if she leaves the hospital... she's 94... I just feel for my mom. I can't imagine how much her heart is just aching right now.

This weekend I spent a lot of Q.T. with Mr Man. Friday we did dinner at the house with his kid, went to a haunted house, I gave him a pedicure, did some hot-tubbing. I went to Lubbock with my mom and her best friend for the A&M/Tech game. We had an extra ticket so at 6pm, Mr Man decided to drive up. He made it there after halftime and tailgated with us afterwards. He had to be back in town fairly early, so I rode back with him so he didn't have to drive back by himself so late. We had a heart to heart on the way home... failed marriages, life, what not. My feelings for him are definitely growing the more time we spend together. They aren't overpowering though, like they were with BB. I don't feel this urge to push some kind of serious title for whatever we're doing. I look forward to the time we get to spend together... have no clue where this may or may not be going, but I think it's just what I need right now.

"Ain't that just like the present to be showing up like that?" -Bon Iver

Sick kids... no fun.

Actually, I don't think C is sick. He's either teething or generally pissed off about life or having some kind of strange mid-infancy/toddler crisis. Basically, it's like being at home with a hormonal teenager/menopausal woman/angry drunk little old man. Fortunately when he's having his good moments he cheeses it up and makes me remember to "take a break don't shake."

A is puke-y. No fever and she's in a generally good disposition. I told her she was doing a good job by throwing up in the potty and she turned to me as she was closing the lid and said, "Well thank you!" Like it was some huge compliment she'd been waiting for all night.

She's laying in bed watching Disney. C is asleep in the stroller in the living room. Yesterday he didn't want to be set down at all and hello, I am a wee person with no upper body strength and dude is a chunk! After carrying him around for, no lie, 3 hours and trying to decide how to quiet the possessed child that I was on the verge of breaking up with I remembered how M's mom said she would walk him around in a stroller at night to get him to calm down. Holy mother of Jesus! It worked. We did some laps yesterday and he never called it a night. This morning though, right after breakfast when he wanted to be held immediately after getting out of his chair, I busted out that stroller... did some laps and wham bam thank you ma'am... the kid is snoozing.

It's overwhelming at times doing this single mom gig... especially when I know that the more days I miss of school the further back I'm pushing my final day... which means the further away from a viable income I am. I'm really just trying to take on the obstacles as they come instead of getting all bent out of shape. Yes, school's gonna take a little bit longer (like a month or two). Yes, my bills are... well, we're not even going to talk about those. Life is not perfect, but as I sit here in the house with the rain coming down outside, Bon Iver on the stereo, my precious kids sick... but still being amazing... I am content.

"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gold." -Kid Cudi

So... BB is back with his wife. Ha! I may or may have been doing some creepin' on myspace and discovered that for myself. More power to them for trying to make their family work out, but I'm pretty sure that was the reason for the break up and I wish he would've just been honest with me about it instead of using my kids as an excuse. LAME!

I had a bittersweet moment with M on Sunday. He came to get the kids for a bit because it was his grandmother's birthday. He came inside to use the bathroom and he was killing time before heading out to family fun time and we were just sitting on the couch with the kids, talking, shooting the shit... just like old times. It's so comfortable with him. When he was leaving he gave me a hug and I remembered how perfectly I fit there, in that hug, with him.

It could've made me sad and it could've made me doubt my decision, but it didn't. If anything, it made my heart kind of happy. I know that M is still M and he still has his issues and those issues are what stands in the way of us having a happy, healthy marriage. I've been so caught up in just getting this divorce over with that I think I had forgotten the feelings I once had for M. Sunday reminded me that at one point I was madly, madly in love with him and that A and C were most definitely created by two people who loved each other dearly. At least I can tell A and C that with whole hearted honesty. I need someone to lean on for support and that will share the burden of finances, child care... everything. M hasn't been able to give me that for a long time and he can't right now and isn't really making an effort to change his way of life. I miss the way I fit in his arms and I miss having that comfortability, ease, assurance in a partner. I don't miss the fights, the stress, the tears. I'm still 100% sure of my decision... but I still miss the good M.

C is teething and has been a hot screaming mess since Friday evening. I feel like I am living with a foreign exchange student. He can not communicate to me what he wants and he gets pissed off and I get frustrated because I can not make my baby happy and it's just awful. I have like a 60% success rate of picking up the actual object he wants, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know what he wants so I feel like I'm doing exceptional in my interpretation skills.

A turns 4 on Saturday. Holy shit. Where did the time go? I'm not gonna have a baby and a toddler anymore... I'm gonna have a baby/almost toddler and a kid. I'm just kind of speechless and if I try and get out any thoughts I'm gonna start getting all nostalgic and weepy and I'm already about to lose my shit due to the angry drunk old man that has currently possessed my son's body... so I'll just leave it at that.

"Should I give up or should I just keeping chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere?" -Adele

I've decided I'm for sure dating Mr Man. The question that I do not know the answer to is if it's exclusive or non exclusive. Honestly, I would rather just play ignorant and believe that we are exclusive and never have to actually have the conversation.

Saturday we went shooting and then went to this benefit for a woman whose husband had been killed by a drunk driver and then hung out and watched football and sat in the hot tub for about 8 hours.

I enjoy the time I spend with Mr Man immensely. I have feelings for him, but I feel like this whatever-it-is is progressing at a much more comfortable rate then it was with Crazy D and BB. We go on dates, have fun, text when we have something to say and there's no drama. I kind of like where things are right now.

E-Spang thinks I'm in a fantasy relationship. The fact that he hasn't met my kids and I've spent all of 5 minutes around his negates any significance between Mr Man and I. She thinks we should throw real world time in there to make it real.

This is where I run into a conundrum.

At this point, I do not feel it necessary to introduce the kids to Mr Man or to spend lots of Q.T. with his kids. I don't feel that we're at the level of seriousness. When do you reach that point though? The more time I spend with Mr Man and the more we learn about each other, the more I like him. It's only logical to think that if things keep progressing as they do, I'm eventually going to fall in love with him.

So... say I fall in love with him, the kids get introduced and he pulls a BB and decides he can't hack it with the kids. What then?

On the flip side of that is, so you start off each relationship with kids being introduced immediately and you basically start off playing "one big happy family" from the beginning and everyone gets attached. What happens when you break up?

I just don't think it's healthy for the kids to meet every guy I date. I guess it's just a risk I'm going to have to take in the dating world that some people are going to love me, but not the rest of the package, some people are going to love me and the idea of the package, but not the reality of it... and a special few will love me and the rest of the package.

I'd rather prefer to get my heart broken later down the road, then to subject my kids to getting let down if something doesn't work out with someone that they've formed an attachment to. They're already going through that with their dad and I just... I can't do that again. I probably won't ever be 100% sure that someone is "The One"... but I want to be as close to that as possible before I let them have the privilege of meeting my kids.

So, here's the deal. I'm gonna roll with this Mr Man deal. I'm not going to force this relationship to be serious faster than it should. I'm gonna concentrate on getting done with school and getting the divorce finalized (Nov 3 is the final hearing!!!!!!!!!!!!) and getting the kids and I settled. Maybe Mr Man and I will become something more serious. Maybe it'll work out that the first guy that I dated post marriage will be Lucky #2 and I won't ever have to enter the dating world again. Maybe Mr Man is nothing but a temporary distraction. Maybe Mr Man and I will fall madly in love but the extra baggage on both sides is just too much. I don't know... there's a shit load of maybes. The point is, I'm happy right now and I don't really see any reason to rock the boat.

I know this, it's a hell of a lot harder to date as a single parent then it is just as a single.

"Oh, all that I know there's nothing here to run from, 'cause yeah, everybody here's got somebody to lean on." -Don't Panic/Coldplay

I am in this fantastic mood that I come across every once in awhile where I feel like my heart is going to explode into rainbows and sunshines because I'm it's so full of love. It's incredibly cheesy, but it's an amazing feeling.

As a mom, a single mom, there are moments when you feel like you can't answer one more "But why?" question, you can't change one more diaper, you can't tell someone to eat dinner one more freaking time, you can't pick the spoon up off the floor for the 438593405843095th time. Then there are days when you feel like everything short of unicorns are flying out of your kids' asses because they are so wonderful. Unfortunately, the unicorn flying days don't come near as often as the mommy-does-not-like days. So I really like to relish in the unicorn flying days.

I haven't talked specifically about the kids in awhile... so get ready.

A's three favorite non-children oriented songs right now are "Swing" by Savage and Soulja Boy, Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright or Jeff Beck and If You're Gonna Play in Texas by Alabama. I love that her taste in music is completely random and off the wall because that is completely how mine is. She talks... OH she talks all the time. She has developed a Texas twang, but living with my mom and myself, she really didn't have a snowball's chance in Hell of not developing one. A lot of the questions she asks don't seem like something a nearly 4 year old should be pondering. She's inquisitive and I love it, even if it means I have to answer a billion and one questions a day. I try and answer her questions to the best of my abilities but I'll admit there are times when my response is "I. Don't. Know." She is sweet and caring and wants everyone to be her friend. She gets along amazingly well with adults. All the teachers at her school love her and she invites them all to come sleep in her bed (which is my bed) for a big party. One of the teachers told A it was her birthday on Saturday and A told the teacher she was going to go buy her some flowers. She is an amazing big sister. AMAZING. She likes to play disciplinarian with C, so I have to watch that. If I get on to him about something and she catches him doing it, she'll swat at his hand or wag her finger at him and give him a stern talking to. She's extremely maternal, which makes my heart soar. She takes after my mom A LOT personality wise and my mom's not the most nurturing of people, so I like that she possesses the strong female side of my mother but also has a soft side to her. The kid is stubborn as all hell. Dinner time is absolutely ridiculous. She could go days without eating and you could put a huge bowl of her favorite food in front of her and tell her to eat and she will go on a hunger strike out of principle. She will eat when she damn well pleases to apparently. I've had to be a little bit more strict with her eating habits as we are not living in a third world country and should not be training for our new life in Ethiopia. She's very open with her emotions and I'm completely dreading the teenage years because, you know, that whole extremely emotionally expressive at THREE bodes well for ten years down the road. She'll hear a song that's mellow and get really solemn about it. It amazes me how intensely she feels. I will never get tired of her telling me that I'm "a berry berry good mommy."

I knew that there would be a difference with the two kids. They're two different people and one's a boy and one's a girl. I never knew how dramatically different my feelings for them would be. I love them both with my whole heart, but the relationship or bond or something that I can't put my finger on is just so insanely different. A has always been so independent, from the time she was born she was doing her own thing and everyone else was along for the ride. C is the complete opposite. He's content to hop aboard and go for the ride, no need to conduct it. A has a complete Type A personality and C is a total Type B personality. It makes me laugh because A looks just like me and C looks just like M, but as far as their personalities go... complete opposite.

C is my buddy. The word "mama" comes out of his mouth 95% of the time he's chattering about and it is awesome. He loves to make people laugh and is into this thing where he'll make himself fall down on purpose and make this noise that sounds like it should be coming out of a surfer's mouth when he wipes out. The kid LOVES music. Dancing With the Stars was on last night and he was spinning around in circles with his hands up in the air, just performing right along with them. I've turned him into quite the football fan. Anytime anyone cheers during a football game on TV his arms automatically go up to signal a TD and he says "Tu-down!" He also is very good at getting his guns up and shaking his hand at the TV while yelling "Go go go!" He's a lot more hesitant than A was. I know you're not supposed to compare your kids, but how can you not? A jumps into everything head first without looking back... C likes to take his time with things. The boy loves boobs. LOVES them. He loves people with boobs and the bigger, the better. There's a lady at their school that has huge, insanely big boobs and 90% of the afternoons that I go to pick them up, his nuzzled up in her chest just happy as can be. No doubt that kid is going to be a boob man. He's started to do this drama queen thing that is so ridiculous though. When he's not getting what he wants or something isn't working the way he wants to or life as a nearly 17 month old just gets too overwhelming he'll throw himself on the floor and lay on his back and just wail like the world is coming to an end. I treat these episodes much like I did when A had them... by looking at him and walking away. I figure everyone likes to have a pity party every once in awhile and that's just C's version of a pity party. He runs with his arms swung behind him like he's trying to be as aerodynamic as possible, hoping he grows out of that. He wants to be outside 24 hours of the day and when he's inside and it's still light out, he goes to the window and just watches outside. There's no way I can get just an apartment when I move out, I'm gonna have to rent a house, with a yard. He loves animals and he loves sitting in small C-sized chairs. He has a blankie, officially. He has to have to it when he gets out of bed and when he gets in bed and preferably within close range during all the other hours of the day. He'll grab it and throw it on the ground and then throw himself on top of it and just bury his face in it. Cutest thing ever. When he's not cuddling with it, he's biting it with his teeth like a puppy. He's absolutely all boy and is ornery already. He knows what he is and isn't supposed to get into, but he still gets into it, while looking right at you, and smiling. It's infuriating and adorable all at the same time. He "jumps" by bending his legs and popping up really fast... I wouldn't say he has mad hops yet.

People that I talk to that have gone through a divorce without kids always tell me how much harder it must be with kids. Financially, it's gonna be harder, but really... I bet it's infinitely harder to go through a divorce without kids. With the kids around there's something to focus your energy on, there's a constant reason to keep moving forward... A and C have been my true North and I know without them this whole thing, these past 4 years would've been infinitely harder and I honestly may not have made it out alive. I love them for that and I love that I will always always have something incredible, two somethings!, that I've done right in my life.

Don't you forget about me :)

Wow... it's been awhile.

So, the BB thing is officially done. It's a good thing though. I don't want the two most important people in my life to ever be seen to anyone as dealbreakers. I realize I come with a lot of baggage, but my babies are precious cargo and the person that I'm supposed to wind up with will love me because of the kids... not in spite of.

If anything it made me feel closer to the kids and really treasure them... it kind of sucks that it took someone not wanting them to make me realize how freaking kick ass they are.

Anyway, I need to get everything with myself settled before I go jumping into something serious. My silly heart... falling hard and fast.

Not to say that I'm off the dating scene... come on now, this is me we're talking about. The first guy I talked to/dated after M and I split kind of fell off the face of the planet. Ironically, he happened to pop back up when BB and I split.

Mr Man is 30, works an insane amount of hours, has two kids... one of which is about to be 14... yes, 14... meaning he became a daddy at 16. He has full custody of his son. Our schedule's don't coordinate often, due to me having the kids every other weekend and during the week and him not wanting to parade chicks around his son and he rarely gets kid-free weekends.

We went on a date a few weeks ago... had a blast. Went to a wedding with him Saturday as his plus one. I have fun with him and things aren't serious. I know that this will probably never progress to a serious relationship and I'm all right with that.

Things with the divorce are still at a stand still. My lawyer sucks big donkey balls. HUGE. Apparently, he's tied up in jury trials constantly and can't deal with little peon divorce cases. Hate him.

The kids are brilliant. A is really into pushing her boundaries so that's been... trying. However, she is becoming more and more of a little adult everyday and it's awesome carrying on actual conversations with her. I've been sick the past couple days so I was laying on the couch after I put them to bed. She got out of bed to sing me a song about how I was the best and she loved me and if I was sad all I had to do was think about Santa Claus coming.

C is my human wrecking ball. I can't get over how much of the stereotypical boy he already embodies. He wants to get into everything he's not supposed to and he wants to destroy it all. He is completely a Mama's boy and is the best cuddler ever in the history of man.

School is going... I've missed a lot because of kids being sick and me being sick and life... but we're getting there. I'm just ready to make that skrilla!

And another one bites the dust

This weekend BB and I had all four kids together for the first time.

Overwhelming? Yes.

Exhausting? Yes.

Did it change my mind at all about wanting to be with him? No.

Did it change his mind? Yes.

Right now, he's "mulling things over". Apparently, he underestimated the challenge that four children would bring and in his words right now he, "doesn't want this weekend."

Fuck.

I had my whole future dreamed up with him. I actually believed that he was "the one".

Apparently, the two most important people in my life are deal breakers in his eyes.

I know that he was overwhelmed and freaked out, but why throw away our entire future over one weekend? Of course, it's going to be crazy... it was the first weekend they were all together. Jesus, give it another chance...

My heart hurts... but at the same time, I'm glad I found out now instead of moving down there and then him figuring out that he couldn't do it.

Honestly, I can't fault him for feeling like this. However, I do think it's kind of hypocritical. He always bitched about how his exes left him because things got too tough and they just couldn't handle the Army bullshit or whatever. He's doing the exact same thing to me... he can't handle the kids... even though he fucking has kids.

Maybe he just needs more time to process and he'll decide that this is something he could do, or rather something he wants to do. Jesus Christ, it sure does sting though. He thinks I am utterly perfect for him and kept telling me over and over if it was just me and him, but it's not and it never will be, so the point is moot.

With this whole fiasco brought the realization that a single mother with two kids that can't have anymore kids is not exactly a prime catch... I thought I'd just hit the jackpot with BB and that he was going to accept and love the whole package. Obviously, I gave him a little too much credit.

"I spend my life on this broken crutch and you believe I can fly." -Hayes Carll

This week has been hellacious. It has been a rollarcoaster of emotions.

Basically, Sunday afternoon I brought down M's house of cards made up of all his lies. I did it because M has absolutely nothing going for him. I think he needs inpatient help somewhere and if he's going to be in my kids' life, I want him to have a positive influence.

In response to that, he wrote me a suicide email, which he didn't follow through with. Now I'm on his most hated list. You know, it's whatever. I'm not trying to fuck up his life. I'm not trying to make him out to be the bad guy... I just want him to get help. He's been lying to his family for so so long and now that they know what's really going on, I'm cutting all ties with M. I'll only deal with him if it's directly related to the kids... otherwise, I'm out.

I had a job interview at HEB. Oh the lows I have reached when I'm 26 and applying at HEB. Once again, it's whatever. I'll make a little money. Pay some bills, help out with day care. I actually think I may somewhat enjoy it. It's people watching at it's finest; getting to see what people buy and what not. I'm trying to be optimistic about it. I'll have to play with my hours so that I'm not missing out on too much time with my kids... try and fit one weekend off so that I can see BB.

I asked him if I got a job that required me to work most weekends if he would still love me and not break up with me. He said I was silly, so I guess that means he'll stick around.

His temporary hearing is on the 24th and he's going for custody of his son. If he gets custody, that house is going to be insane. I absolutely can not wait for it. I love his kids.

A is obsessed with princesses and talks about them constantly. Today she was pretending to be Belle and Lamby was a prince that was going to rescue her. When her "prince" rescued her she gave him a huge hug and spun around and the look on her face gave me a peek 1o years (God, please let it at least be 10 years) in the future when she gets that puppy love over some silly boy who will inevitably be a silly boy and dick her over.

I can't believe my little girl is growing up this fast. I want to stop time. Cs all about his mama right now and is just giggly and happy. A is imaginative and friendly and wears her heart on her sleeve. She talks and talks and talks. I don't want them to change. I don't want C to become a nasty, stinky boy. I don't want A to be all bitchy and hormonal.

My goal is just to be as positive as possible. Find the silver lining in everything... you know, the usual.

"Ever Thine, Ever Mine, Ever Ours." -Beethoven

So, went MIA for a bit.

Just got back from a slightly extended vay-cay at BB's.

Every moment I am around him, I love him more and more. Everything is so natural. I love him not in spite of his flaws, but because of them. I see his faults and know they are there. I don't overlook them because I'm totally infatuated with him.

I've tried to keep my eyes as wide open as possible. When something comes up, I think to myself, is this something I could live with forever... or is it something that's going to become an issue after the newness wears off. So far, no issues.

My grandmother told me something whenever I was gushing about an old love... I was telling her how we could just talk and talk and talk. She said that it was great that we could talk because communication was wonderful, but it was the easy silence that you need to make sure you have.

I never put a lot of thought into that, but now I get it. With M, I had to fill the empty air with words, whether or not they had any significance... I couldn't just be with him.

Tuesday night there was a meteor shower and BB and I sat in the bed of his truck and watched the sky. We talked about love and kids and life and God... then there were moments where we sat, holding hands, our heads turned up to see another shooting star and I had no urge to say a word. All I wanted to do was sit there with BB and feel how overwhelmingly in love I was... I am.

"And everyone is running and I come to find a refuge in the easy silence that you make for me. It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me, and the peaceful quiet you create for me, and the way you keep the world at bay for me" -Easy Silence/Dixie Chicks

In other news, M's wanting to only pay $200 a month in child support... as opposed to $500. Apparently, he can demean my parenting abilities because I go to school and work... but he's some awesome dad because when he has the kids he has them all day. Great, he spends loads of time with them because he's unemployed and not going to school. That's not real life. Being a parent is an emotional, time, and financial commitment. You can't pick and choose.

I can not wait until this legal crap is done with and I get those papers saying I am officially divorced. Being in limbo sucks major ass.

"Oh, you know what? Next week's no good for me... The Jonas Brothers are in town. But any week after that, it's totally fine." -The Hangover

I may have possibly illegally watched The Hangover at school today because I'm so far ahead and we were so insanely slow that I had nothing better to do. That movie was so fucking hilarious. It made me want to be a man so that I could go to Las Vegas and act a complete fool with my two best friends and my retarded future brother in law in tow.

BB gets to spend the whole weekend down here. I keep trying not to completely plan on that because he's getting done earlier than he thought so in my mind there's a possibility that he may decide to head back to SA and get his kids. He told me he's just going to get them next weekend, but for some reason I just have it in my head that this weekend isn't going to pan out.

For some reason when it comes to BB, I get so girly (in the not positive way). I keep it on the DL when I'm actually with/talking to him, but I get in these needy moods where if he's not 110% all about me I turn into a Grumpalumpagus. I went from one extreme to the other in my past two relationships. M was completely inattentive... couldn't give two shits about how my day was and Lord knows he wasn't interested in telling me about his (at least the truth about his days... he was more than happy to BS me). Crazy D was OVERLY attentive. BB falls pretty much right in the middle, but with him, the physical attention isn't always there, obviously, since he lives so freakin' far away. I'm not talking just about sex (though the distance enforced dry spells suck ASS). I'm talking about the little looks, kisses on the forehead, hands on the small of your back as they walk by... those things. I am a very expressive person... I can show you exactly how I feel as I tell you exactly how I feel. Most men can't really tell you how they feel so when you can't see it... it sucks.

Blah.

Anyway, now that I vented all that I feel much better. I'm just being a silly girl.

My dad is coming into the salon tomorrow and I'm giving him a haircut and his first pedicure. It's weird how for 9 years we didn't see each other and now, suddenly, we have this relationship. We make plans to see each other. I feel very comfortable with him... it's still freakin' weird.

But you can wait a lifetime and I'd still be lovin' you. -Kyle Bennett Band

My mood has vastly improved since Thursday. Hooray!

BB came in town Friday, even though he still felt pretty crappy. I tried to put on my happy voice when he told me that he didn't think he was going to be able to come down on Friday, but I kind of suck at masking my true feelings so he decided to man up and drive down anyway.'

I was walking on air... marvelous!

Took him to the salon and halfway did a good ol bald fade on him. I kept getting scared and had to get Adrian to come help me with the clippers. I so did not want to jack up his hair. Fortunately, I did a pretty good job so all is well.

He met the kids and A was absolutely smitten with him. BB rough houses all the time with his daughter and she's completely used to it. My little A though... she's kind of a delicate flower so BB was playing around with her like he does his daughter and A winds up crying because her arm hurt. BB felt HOOOOOOOORRIBLE. He was doing everything in the world to appease her... didn't change A being completely smitten with him so that's good. C was just happy to be wandering around messing with random crap as per usual, so all in all the first encounter was a good one.

BB met Mama and they gave each other shit back and forth all freaking night long. Mama said that he was far more entertaining than my past loves and had a whole lot of personality which was a good thing... so far so good!

BB and I had Mexican food for dinner which was a huge mistake because his stomach was not having any of it, so I got to play nurse all night. I really actually loved doing it. I've missed taking care of a significant other when they need me. M liked to suffer in solitude... BB is very much open to being taken care of and I like that a lot. I think that shows a lot about how people handle obstacles in other areas rather than health. If someone is willing to let you take care of them when they're sick and vulnerable and want you to be with them, I think that they will want you around when they're having other problems and want to take on things together instead of by themselves. I dunno... just my personal opinion.

Anyway, BB was feeling better by Saturday morning after I got back from my run and what not. We did lunch with Mama and went to this hole in the wall dive for a few beers and a game of shuffleboard. Absolute blast! Mama and BB just were complete smart asses to each other which is totally how to win them both over. I loved that they got along so well.

BB had to report for duty for this juvenile boot camp thing at 7, so I rode down with him, got checked into the hotel and hung out while he did his little meeting. The dry streak finally got broken afterwards! Then there was swimming and dinner. Our entertainment for the evening was listening to music in the room, while drinking Bud Lite and playing Hang Man when I wasn't somehow grooming him. It was the most uneventful night, but we both had a complete blast... just telling random stories and singing along to songs and talking about all sorts of stuff. I laugh so much with him and the second that we're together after we've been apart... it feels like we've never been seperated.

I am so ready to start our life together, but I am thankful for this time that we have to really get to know each other and make sure that this is right. Every time I see him, my feelings are reconfirmed.

He was supposed to have the early morning shift, so I was just going to ride back with him after he got off today but the schedule got changed up so I drove his truck back and head back on Friday to get him so that he can spend the whole weekend with me again! Hooray!

"We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.” -Calvin and Hobbes

I'm in a shitty mood and I'm trying to unfunkify my day.

Not going so well.

I've spent 75% of this week trying not to vomit due to some unknown bug that I caught from who knows where.

BB was supposed to come in today, but apparently he managed to contract the same bug I had. Today's appearance is a no go. More than likely, I'll see him tomorrow so I should just suck it up. I just haven't seen him in almost three weeks and I got used to seeing him every week there for a bit. I miss his ass.

This is why I don't like expectations. I tried this whole optimistic business but goodness gracious, I hate getting disappointed. I'd rather plan on not seeing him again until I move up there (if I move up there) in January. Then everytime I saw him in between now and then would just be a welcome surprise. Kind of a defeatist attitude, but whatever.

Then M had to be an ass and bring up what a shit move it was me moving the kids' furniture out of the house MONTHS ago. Okay, yeah that sucks that the kids' don't have their furniture up in Lubbock anymore, but myself or my mom purchased all their furniture, he let the kids' rooms stay trashed and I'm not going to let their stuff be ruined. It just pisses me off that the one outright semi-shitty thing that I did in our whole marriage has to be brung up continuously.

Nevermind the dozens of days/nights that he stayed out drinking and came home belligerantly drunk while I had to put the kids to bed and get them up without his help... nevermind the horrible things he told me... nevermind the fact that when I told him that all I needed from him to make me stay was to at least act like he gave a shit and he couldn't do that. I don't throw that in his face.

As far as I'm concerned, the day that I filed for divorce, the past was the past. I want what's best for him and I want him to get better. I don't want to run him into the ground by constantly bringing up his failures...

Maybe it makes him feel better because I'm actually on track to doing something with my life and I'm handling my business while he's sitting in the house doing absolutely NOTHING.

I think my iTunes is on a conspiracy to try and make my mood suck worse because it's picking some really depressing songs to listen to.

Damn the man, yo.

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

Last night, I was laying in bed, A was cuddled up next to me and I could hear C squirming in his sleep. I found myself wondering how in the world I ever got so lucky. Here I am, sharing a room with my two kids in my mother's house. I have not a cent to my name, I'm in the middle of a divorce with a boyfriend living 5 hours away... yet I still feel like I am so insanely blessed.

Even when M and I had money in the bank and all the little pieces of the puzzle seemed like they were fitting together I never remember feeling this content. I never remember stopping and just taking a survey of my life and feeling utterly satisfied with it.

M is in need of a lot of help. I'm dreading this little family conference, especially because I know it's going to break his dad's heart. You know, I'm probably going to be blamed for not bringing every detail to light, but whatever... put all the blame on me if it will get M some help.

I want to help him, but I'm still pissed off that I still have to take care of his ass. Feels like all I've done for the majority of the last 4 years is take care of his ass or cover his ass.

BB comes down this weekend and he is pumped to meet the kids. I am elated. I know I'm going to fall in love with him all over again when I see him with my kids. He is such a good dad to his own, I know that he'll be good to my babies.

"There's always been a bigger plan, but I don't need to understand." -Gary Allan

Last night took a much unexpected turn for me. M for some reason couldn't get down here to get the kids until late so I dropped them off with his brother at his dad's house. N, his brother, asked about M's drinking. I told him that yes, M was definitely a drinker (pretty sure a full blown alcoholic) and that was a driving force behind our seperation. This proceeded to turn into a 2 hour conversation about exactly how far off M has fallen. N was devastated and pissed, oh my goodness was he mad. He was around M for less than three days and realized there was a problem and M's dad and grandmother have seen this going on for much, much longer and are just in serious denial. Anyway, looks like he's beseeching me for my help in one last effort to help M.

There's not a snowball's chance in Hell of M and I reconciling, but I feel like M is getting closer and closer to losing what little bit of chance of success he has left and once he loses that, I know he will give up and the odds of him making a horrible decision that will ultimately take him out of his own children's lives will grow exponentially. It would devastate me if my children didn't have their father in their lives because he was too God damn stubborn and prideful to admit that he needs help and that he needs to readjust his hopes and dreams and plans.

Onto a lighter subject, did my mom's hair yesterday... it came out awesome. Love it. Love what I do.

Going with her and the girls to a wine tasting this afternoon for one of their birthdays. I'm excited to do something with grown ups outside of school.

I still miss the shit out of Ben, but I'm not quite as disgruntled as I was. I'm counting on the second weekend of August as to when I will see him next. If I see him between now and then, that's just an added bonus. I like to keep my expectations low, can you tell?

"Kiss the rain whenever you need me. Kiss the rain whenever I'm gone too long..." -Kiss the Rain

Ugh... feeling the not so fun side of long distance relationships right now.

Between the miles and the lack of funds for spontaneous road trips... I'm missing the shit out of BB. He told me today that him and another guy have to take one of the government cars down to this juvenile boot camp that they're being drill instructors at and will not be leaving until Friday...

He's gonna try and work something out where the other guy will take the government vehicle and he'll take his own, but I'm not holding my breath.

I'm trying to not be mopey about this. Really, I am.

I know that this distance is good for us because it's forcing us to take things slow. I know if I were closer we'd be moving a lot faster than we need to. BB told me last night that he wanted nothing more than for me to be with him right now, but he'd rather wait 6 months and have me come down and be with him forever, rather than it happening right now and 6 months down the road we find that we're really not that good of a fit and I'm gone.

Just because it makes sense logically does not mean that it makes me any happier. We all know logic has never been my strong suit.

"Love is not love until love's vulnerable." -Theodore Roethke

When M was overseas I worried about losing him. I prepared myself mentally for his absence should the worst possible scenario occur. That was the only time that I was ever fearful of him not being around. Even at the worst points of our marriage, when I knew that divorce was probably inevitable, it wasn't something that I never really feared. I guess I was so afraid of losing him overseas because my kids would be losing their father and that is something that would absolutely break my heart.

With BB I have this vulnerability, this realization, that despite how wonderful things are right now... that doesn't mean that things are going to pan out. Maybe it's the fact that I went into mine and M's marriage with as much optimism as I could muster, even though in the back of my mind, I knew it was a crapshoot. Maybe it's because we live 5 hours away and sometimes I need just a hug, Hell, a pat on the back to let me know that he's still totally into this as I am. Our conversations reflect that things are perfectly fine, but I've always been an actions, not words type of person.

I don't ever remember feeling almost scared of losing someone emotionally. I've talked to BB briefly about it, but I also want him to know that I am secure in this whole long distance relationship, because I am. It's just a whole new territory. I love that I feel this strongly for someone... that I've let my heart open up so much after it was devastated by everything M put me through. I also hate that this could all come back and totally bite me in the ass.

I stopped messing with music there for a long time... the only time I would really listen to it was when I was in the car. I have rediscovered by love for music and I'm so happy. I have headphones in my ear for most of the day at school and the kids and I listen to music during dinner and before they go to bed. A, poor girl, is most likely tone deaf, but C has almost perfect pitch. It's insane. Insane. Every melodic sound he hears, he imitates and it is right on. I am absolutely in awe everytime he does it.

Some people dream of their kids being doctors, lawyers, professional athletes... I dream of my kids being rock stars.

"I run the streets all night and day, I can't stay away." -Slim Thug

Day one of my 5K training started today. I did not make my early morning appt with the jogging park, but after I got the kids down and Mama got home I headed out. I ran/jogged for 30-60 seconds and then walked for 2 minutes. It's nothing to write home about, but I did that for an hour so it's better than the cardio I've been getting.

Main drawback of this running business? Due to the glorious miracle of childbirth my bladder control ain't what it used to be... so I may or may not have pissed my pants one stride at a time. Awesome.

In other news... Mama and I had another clashing today. There's a crazy balance that totally gets thrown off when one moves away from home and lives their life very independently and then suddenly finds themselves back at home (with their two children, no less) and losing pretty much all of their independence.

Don't get me wrong, I am and will always be eternally grateful for the help that my mother has offered me during this super stressful time of my life. However, I am 26 and I have 2 kids and I feel like I can't make my own decision without running it by my mom first. Otherwise, I'm being selfish or irresponsible or something or other.

I'm not saying that every decision I've made since I moved down here has necessarily been the smartest one, but I also want my mom to see me as an adult and stop treating me like a child. Yeah, when I was a teenager and making stupid decisions, that was more than her place to tell me I was being an idiot and needed to get my act together. I feel that now, as long as my decisions aren't putting the kids or I in immediate danger (emotional, physical or mental)... then let me make my own mistakes. I have NEVER liked someone telling me not to do something on principle alone. It's kind of like the line in Sweet Home Alabama, "What's wrong with you Southern women? Can't make a right decision until you've made all the wrong ones?"

I know if I move in with BB, it's not going to be all sunshine and flowers and it's going to be a big adjustment, but good Lord... at least I'll be living with someone that looks at me like their equal and that's a big f'n deal.

School here lately has been almost a joke. Once summer hit, everyone stopped coming... except me... I suddenly upped my attendence. So far, I have the most hours clocked this month... that doesn't ever happen... ever. The afternoon hits and it is so ungodly hot at my station, since it's right in front of the window that I can't muster enough energy to do anything productive. I also hate working on my mannequin so I wait until I get an actual client. I LOVE working on actual clients and I am really coming into my own with all the techniques and stuff (except clipper cuts... no sir). I have no doubts that I will absolutely love this job and excel in the real world, but for right now... it takes a lot to muster much passion when you keep having to comb a damn doll's head.

Today I caught up on True Blood and Weeds. When I was done with that I started going through my music library and trying to weed through the 4000 songs I have and delete the ones I don't like. It's ridiculous.

Laughter is an instant vacation. ~Milton Berle

Lot of ground to cover here... keep up with my kids. I have quite the humorous story at the end of this if you make it through.

So, my father and I have had an estranged relationship for the past 9 years. Recently, in June, he invited me, out of the blue, to his retirement party. Deciding to let bygones be bygones, I went ahead and went. I was very nervous, but it turned out to be a really good thing. Yesterday the kids and I went out to their place. We got to hang out with the new miniature donkey, the kids got to ride a big ol' John Deere tractor and A got to ride on a horse.

My dad and I had a really good heart to heart and I had a pretty good convo with my step mom.

I've had father figures in the past 9 years, but there is nothing like having that connection with the person that you are half of. I haven't realized how deeply I wanted that relationship to be there until I've had a glimpse of the possibilites that could be.

My step mom even came into the salon today and I did a cut and color on her (which I totally rocked)... made a nice $40 tip so I'm not complaining one bit.

As a kid, I was raised Jehovah's Witness... because of this I missed out on holidays, birthdays... the whole thing. When my mom stopped doing the J-Dub thing, I was already a teenager, so I guess she didn't really think I ever wanted the whole birthday celebration business.

Today... I finally got my first official birthday cake. I blew out 26 candles after everyone at school sang me happy birthday.

Happy that I finally got to take part in a ritual that most everybody takes for granted, a rite of passage if you will.

Happy that I have met some wonderful people in the past 6 months that I can call my friends.

To top it all off, our school is located next to a dollar store place... all the students frequent it, so we're good buds with the employees there. They know me because I have a slight obsession with Honey Roasted Peanuts so I stroll my happy ass over there once a day to get my 2 for $1 bags of that savory goodness. One of the girls and I took some cake over to the manager and one of the employees on shift and I got a WHOLE CAN of honey roasted peanuts. I could've exploded with happiness.

I managed to clock in over 9 hours at school today and I'm elated. I am so so ready to get out of school. I'm ready to be able to get a job and start paying bills and not have to depend on other people for money. I'm getting over 40 hours a week at school and working at the salon on weekends when available. I'm not just sitting on my butt wasting time, but I'm also not making a significant amount of money.

I'm ready to not live under my mom's roof. God love her. I could never ever get through this time without her, but I am 26 and I do have 2 two kids and I'm ready to be an adult living in a house without my mom. I would be lying if I said that this isn't putting a bit of stress on our relationship because it is. It's a huge financial burden to suddenly have to financially support three more people and I hate feeling like I'm a burden.

There may be a little bit more motivation that's lighting a fire under me.

I've met someone.

I may have joined a dating site *cougheharmonycough* and taken a bit of a leap and actually met someone off of it. Apparently their little system they have going is working. BB is absolutely everything I have ever looked for in a man, in a significant other. He is funny, God, he is funny. He thinks I'm hilarious. He has two beautiful children and is a loving, devoted father. He adores my kids and hasn't even met them. He has been through a lot, a whole lot, and still has this fantastic attitude that you should embrace every bit of life you're given. He has a fantastic job that offers a lot of stability and perks. He has a fantastic relationship with his parents and OH his parents... I LOVE THEM. He's spontaneous and adventerous and makes me want to try and go to all sorts of places I've never done or seen. I am completely comfortable with him and am more myself than I've ever been with anybody I've ever been in a relationship with (including Matt).

He lives 5 hours away and if all keeps going as it is, the general plan is that I graduate from school and the kids and I move to Hill Country. Sometimes it seems like maybe we should slow it down... after all both of us are getting our divorces finalized... but I have an overwhelming feeling of coming home everytime I see him.

On an unrelated note... I've decided to grow my hair out and run a 5K. I just put that in here so that if I do cut my hair and don't run a 5K (Dec 5th, Reindeer Run, Austin, Tx) then someone can call me out... and there's nothing more I hate than being called out.

So here's the story as your reward...

Today I pick A up from school and her dress is covered with blood and she's toting around a huge wad of tissue. She proudly tells me she has had a bloody nose. Her teacher tells me that she has been rooting around her nose, fiercely trying to get at SOMETHING... perhaps trying to pull a small child out of her nose. This action caused her nose to bleed, obviously.

We get home and she tells me that she has to go potty so I go grab a towel from the bathroom for C. I see A standing on her stool, going to town at picking her nose and peering in the mirror as she's doing it. I'm like, What. The. Hell. I swat her hand, tell her that's not what we do and tell her to go eat dinner. So she's there whimpering about picking her damn nose and I'm trying to get C all bathed. I go to the bedroom to get him diapered up and what not when I hear my mom dying laughing and asking A why she stuck something up her nose and that now she was going to have something stuck in her brain and she was going to have brain damage.

My mom kind of has a special approach to parenting.

After I get C all diapered, I go to the kitchen to see what the hell my mom is talking about. Mama informs me, through her bouts of laughter, that A stuck a heart up her nose. I'm thinking a nice arts and crafts sequin heart... nothing too major. I figure it got stuck up there because it's so small and what not. A little boy gifted her with a heart and she chose to honor his gift by shoving it up her nose. I asked her if that was his idea or hers... my three year old's response, "I don't want to talk about it."

Then, my mom points to a napkin and tells me that the heart is in there. There is a freakin' piece of heart shaped candy... the same size as the heart shaped Runt... except this one is purple.

Not. Little.

I guess while I was getting C all diapered up, Mama asked A if she had something up her nose, thinking it was a huge booger or something. A told her that she had a heart up her nose. Mama got her to blow her nose and was quite taken aback when instead of seeing the monster of all boogers there was a purple piece of candy that flew out instead.

This. This right here... this is my life.

The more I look back on my life, the more miracles I see

I turned 26 today.

Nothing spectacular happened. I got birthday muffins with candles. I listened to 95.9 The Ranch on the internet while sitting outside with my mom and the kids, watching my daughter blow bubbles and my son navigate the terrain that is grass and dirt. I spent the rest of my day doing not much of anything. Listening to music, catching up on True Blood, taking a nap with the little ones, scolding the little ones, loving the little ones... there was even a Dance Party USA session to old country music in the living room with the little ones.

It was one of the best birthdays I've ever had.

I was with the two people closest to my heart. I was/am happy... genuinely genuinely happy.

25 was filled with every range of human emotion. A baby being born, a marriage ending...

26 so far has been nothing but absolute contentment.